Do any of these comments sound familiar to you?

“I deserve to be happy!”

“I’ve sacrificed too much!”

“You don’t make me happy.”

“I can’t be happy with you.”

“No one advocates for me.”

Take a moment to really think about it. Are they familiar statements because you have found yourself saying these things to your friends, family, colleagues, social network, etc.? Or, do you find yourself expressing these thoughts and feelings to yourself as you excuse your life situation, actions, or inaction? Well, welcome to the “I deserve to be happy” movement — you may be one of its newest members! Yes, this movement is made up of many self-proclaimed happiness crusaders. If you don’t buy into the movement, be careful — the movement is bound to swallow you whole as many of your friends, family, and loved ones are already subscribing members and you may not even know it.

In my circle of influence, I’ve noticed this movement becoming more prominent across my personal and professional network. Of course, COVID-19 has only amplified this movement. I’ve seen dramatic changes in close friends, family, loved ones, and colleagues in how they view their lives and what they expect from their lives, family, friends, religion, and society. Some have chosen to be grateful and giving in the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic while others have turned inward to focus on what they want and what they believe they are owed from life and everyone around them. Ironically, many have done a 180-degree shift from their previous grounded lives, beliefs, principles, and philosophies.

From Happiness Crusade to Emotional and Sexual Affairs

One such close friend, having espoused deep religious beliefs all her life, had in early 2020 read Jordan Peterson’s seminal book, “The 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos” book and started to evangelize the rules and principles the book advocated for to her friends, family, and social network. (I should note, Jordan Peterson’s book and his general philosophy are one of personal responsibility and meaning — despite what the general political consensus may suggest.) However, in her evangelical fervor, she quickly struck up an emotional affair with a married man.

As most affairs start, my friend and her new “intellectual partner” began meeting in secret. They met in secret to discuss principle-centered living teachings from Jordan Peterson’s book and quickly transitioned their secret relationship to an adulterous affair leading to their divorcing their spouses and tearing apart their families. (Their story had an ironic twist as many do. Their relationship started by discussing principles from Jordan Peterson’s book supporting honesty, fidelity, integrity, accountability, and responsibility.) Why? What her behavior revealed was she had spent the last few years of her life going through a personal, religious, and midlife crisis culminating in a horrible end during COVID-19.

While she sought good books and life principles during her midlife crisis she was already well down the path of self-pity, selfishness, resentment, jealousy, bitterness, insecurity, and dissatisfaction with a life that many would sacrifice everything they have for. So, what led her down this path? Well, as in all complex human lives, it can be very complicated to extract with exactness why such a path would be chosen.

That said, she had led a very good life. She was in good standing with her religious institution. She was raised in a good family with both parents present, had caring and fun siblings, a loving and committed husband, and healthy and happy children. She had been healthy her whole life. She didn’t have to work outside the home for most of her marriage. She lived in an affluent neighborhood, participated in community groups, played sports, and had a rather large personal network of friends.

By all reasonable measures, she was ‘privileged’ but had grown bored, complacent, and resentful of the things others had that she believed remained elusive to her. Regardless of what she hadn’t attained yet, she was in the top 1% of the world in terms of wealth, family, opportunity, health, education, etc., and yet she still arrived at a point where she felt she wasn’t happy. She emphatically stated, “I deserve to be happy!”

While acting on this mantra, she knew she was tearing apart her family and the family of her extramarital sex partner in the pursuit of her delusional ‘fantasy’ as she referred to it. She had built and sacrificed long enough and felt she was owed a different, better life. She was convinced that her adulterous affair would translate into a new happy life and marriage. She was convinced she could divorce her husband, have her new partner eventually move into her house, and reboot her life and family without much difficulty. (Apparently, she believed it would be that simple, and her friends, family, children, etc. would embrace the disruptive change easily.)

Unfortunately, I have learned over the last two years that I have several friends, family, and colleagues who have similar sad stories. All of them have betrayed the trust of their spouse even though they had recently considered their spouse to still be their best friend and lifelong partner. Their children have been profoundly impacted by their parent’s selfishness, betrayal, and deceit.

Second Marriages that Begin as Affairs

According to Dr. Frank Pittman, author of Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy and Elizabeth Landers, a second marriage that begins with infidelity will likely fail within two years. Of course, there are no guarantees second marriages that begin as affairs will fail but the available research and data strongly support such outcomes.

Some affairs can end in successful relationships that endure as healthy long-term marriages, but according to many marriage and divorce experts, these are the exceptions that prove the rule. The very compounds that make affairs exciting and intoxicating eventually convert to fuel that consumes the relationship when it becomes a marriage. Marriages that start as affairs generally collapse under the pressure of everyday life. When the affair is at its peak, the partners are blinded to the inevitability that the romance consumes itself, and they almost always imagine they are the exceptions to an established pattern of human affairs and outcomes.

While conclusive research and studies still seem sparse on the matter, the probability of an affair ending in marriage is very low. Around 75% of marriages beginning as affairs end in divorce. (That’s right, 75%.) Some research suggests that three to five percent of affairs lead to marriage. Others suggest it is closer to five to seven percent. No matter which stat you use, that’s a grim statistic for couples hoping their affairs will last forever. Essentially, about 1% of affairs will end up intact and happily married.

Most experts point to several reasons why affairs fail or end. The most common reasons include:

1. Taboo and secret — affairs consume energy because they must be kept secret. They survive more on what each partner gets than what each invests in the relationship.
2. Sacrifice exceeded benefit — because of the dynamics of a forbidden relationship, one or both partners come to realize he or she lost much more than he or she now shares. “As relates to sacrifice, often one will discover (or feel) that his or her sacrifice was much greater than what the other person had to sacrifice, and this can lead to resentment and disillusionment.” Paradoxically, sacrifice sometimes feeds the relationship until there is nothing left to feed the relationship.
3. Stimulating unreality to reality — While still married to others, the affair partners become immersed in “stimulating unreality,” but the second marriage illuminates reality. “Only after their marriage did the divorce become real enough to see that it was a horrible mistake. They were so caught up in the infatuation that they never got around to figuring out if what they were doing was sane.” The cheaters who wrecked a family (or two) and inflicted much pain on innocent people may feel no or little guilt during the affair but become overwhelmed with guilt after they marry.
4. Betrayal and lies — the most obvious principles are that their marriage begins on a foundation of betrayal, deceit, and lies, as is an affair, and cannot easily become one of trust and loyalty, as is marriage.

So, why do so many married people pursue happiness through infidelity and affairs? Why do they end their ‘I deserve to be happy’ crusade through an affair? It’s quite simple. They are blinded by their selfish pursuits of self-gratification and belief that they are an unfortunate victim. The irony is, in their pursuit of happiness they burn down the foundations of trust and fidelity which leads to pain and suffering for their families, kids, and eventually themselves.

Why Didn’t They Listen to Jordan Peterson?

Back to the example of my friend, and where she is today. As a result of her extramarital affair and actions, she has lost and forfeited most of her close relationships with her family, friends, and children. Her partner has as well. Still, they both make excuses for why they lost those relationships and that their actions were unfortunately just bad timing. They were simply “dating before divorce.” It wasn’t intentional and it wasn’t sexual. To be clear, this is the type of thinking that has potentially forever changed the course of their lives financially, physically, mentally, spiritually, and socially. Their spouses are forever scarred from their betrayal. Their kids are traumatized and socially impacted. Their affair is public and known to many now. They have essentially betrayed not only their spouses but their children, family, and friends. Where trust was once abundant, there is none.

My friend and her affair partner didn’t ‘fall into’ their affair or simply ‘end up’ in bed together. They both chose to have an affair. (In fact, they made hundreds of choices along the way — not just one choice as they claim.) And until they both take responsibility for their extramarital and sexual affair, they are unlikely to form a healthy and lasting relationship with each other or others later as the case may be.

As Jordan Peterson so eloquently puts it in his book The 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote for Chaos, “You do not have a life with someone when you have an affair with them. You have an endless array of desserts… You see each other under the best possible conditions… An affair is not helpful, and people end up hurt. Particularly children — and it is to them that we owe primary allegiance.”

Relationships that last are based on mature love, which values responsibility. If one of you can’t own up to your mistakes, you’ll always be blaming someone or something else when things go wrong. If they do marry, time will tell if they will be the happy 1% that transition from an affair to a happy, long-term marriage.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who have been negatively impacted by adultery, affairs, and infidelity. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or us at CHADIE.org.