(The following article is a contributed article.)

Despite what the media and others may say, marriage is much more than a civil contract with legal benefits. Marriage is meant to be a loving, intimate, selfless relationship between spouses. A balanced marriage involves spiritual, emotional, and physical closeness.

Marriage, for many, is spending the rest of your life with your best friend, the person you love wholeheartedly. Marriage can be a sacred, legal, and binding union of two people to journey through adult life as partners in a personal relationship of love, companionship, and fulfillment; and to produce offspring. Marriage is the foundation of family, and family is the fundamental unit of society — even today.

While marriage as an institution may not be as revered as it once was, most enter into their marriage vows to believe their spouse will be faithful to them and their children just as they plan to be faithful to their spouse and children. However, nothing can prepare one for learning that their spouse has been having an illicit adulterous affair. Such revelation is only compounded when one learns they have been having an affair with a married man. Affairs and infidelity usually lead to divorce. In my particular situation, my wife’s final adulterous affair caused two divorces and irreparable damage, trauma, and shame to our children and the children of her adulterous affair partner.

Unfortunately, studies suggest that roughly 30% to 60% of all married individuals (in the United States) will engage in infidelity during their marriage. These numbers are on the conservative side if you consider that close to half of all marriages end in divorce. Another estimate from the Journal of Marriage and Divorce concludes that a mindnumbing 70% of married Americans cheat at least once in their marriage. A happy marriage is no guarantee that a spouse will be faithful. Happily married people may cheat due to a desire for novelty, distraction, and personal insecurities.

Lessons Learned from My Wife’s Affair

While the pain of spousal betrayal is extremely traumatic to the betrayed spouse, it is oftentimes even more traumatic to the children impacted by their parent’s betrayal. In Ana Nogales’ book, Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults Are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful, she writes:

“Regardless of their age, children whose parents have been unfaithful often react with intense feelings of anger, anxiety, guilt, shame, sadness, and confusion. They may act out, regress, or withdraw. They may even feel pressured to win back the love of the unfaithful parent or to become the caretaker of the betrayed parent.”

Anna Nogales’ research shows that 75% of children experience lingering feelings of betrayal toward their cheating parent, 80% say that infidelity shapes their outlook on romance and relationships, and 70% describe infidelity as affecting their general trust in others.

When a parent is unfaithful, it can make children wonder what’s real — and what’s not. “When a parent is unfaithful, it can cause a child to question the stability they felt at home,” Dr. Cassandra LeClair, Ph.D., a relationship expert and author of “Being Whole: Healing from Trauma and Reclaiming My Voice” stated.

Lessons I Learned from My Wife’s Infidelity and Betrayal

Acceptance of Betrayal — Adulterers are cheaters. They lie, deceive, and betray to facilitate their affairs and adultery. It is hard to accept that the person you love would ever be the ultimate liar, deceiver, and betrayer but they are and you and your children have to accept it.
Forever Changed — When a spouse cheats on you and your family you and your family are forever marred by their infidelity, dishonor, and betrayal. While those betrayed can work through the damage and learn to forgive, it is nearly impossible to resume life as it was before marital infidelity. Trust is lost and replaced by distrust, pain, and sorrow.
Risked Exposure to STDs and STIs — Adulterers willfully and negligently risk their spouses’ health and well-being by exposing them to the risk of sexually transmitted diseases and infections (STDs and STIs). (I have yet to find any research that suggests that, before sex, adulterers insist on their extra-marital sex partners being first medically screened for STDs and STIs before engaging in sexual behavior with them.)

Lessons My Wife Learned from Her Infidelity and Betrayal

Midlife Crisis and Chaos — My wife’s midlife crisis and infidelity resulted in her sacrificing her “virtue and morality” (as she eventually referred to it). Her descent into affairs and infidelity was slow but damning in the end.
Commitment to Infidelity is Costly — Her pursuit of infidelity required a hefty price for her, our children, her adultery partner, his family, and our extended families. The price was sacrificing two intact healthy and happy families for fractured, chaotic families. This price will continue to be paid for generations by both families.
Blame-shifting and Transference — When she was caught in her infidelity and neglect of our children and could no longer lie her way out of what she was doing, she resorted to blame-shifting and transference of blame to me, our children, her parents, etc. (This tactic was her attempt to reposition her from an adulterous spouse and perpetrator to that of a victim.)
Burning Bridges Has Consequences — My wife chose to burn bridges with our children, her family, her affair partner’s children, our families, and our friends.
Disregard for Victims and Their Pain — She showed no remorse or shame for her actions and for tearing apart two families. She justified her adulterous affair with a married man and the two divorces that resulted from their affair. No shame or sorrow was ever expressed for what she did to her adultery partner’s spouse, his children, or our children.
Delusional Justification — She justified her adultery and breaking up of her adultery partner’s family because she was convinced she would be a better wife and mother to her adultery partner’s children than their mother.
Public Social Posts — Both of them posted on social media about their affair, dates, and events — embarrassing and shaming their spouses, children, and families.

Lessons Learned by My Wife’s Adultery Partner

Infidelity is Irreparably Damaging — My wife’s adultery partner was in it for sex, fun, and to compensate for his low self-esteem. When his wife caught him, he tried to work his marriage out with her until he realized she wasn’t going to make it easy for him to come back without reconciliation and reparation. As a result, he panicked and decided he would divorce her and pursue his affair full-time.
An Uncommitted “Waffler” — He broke off his affair with my wife several times to supposedly “focus on his family” as he witnessed the damage and mental trauma his adultery had caused his wife and family. In the process, he abandoned my wife showing her and my children she wasn’t his first choice when it came to marriage or divorce.
Abandoned Principles and Faith — My wife’s adultery partner was a leader in his religious faith and church. He justified his marital infidelity and immoral behavior with my wife while still performing his religious duties and responsibilities. (He learned he would do anything to pursue sexual gratification in addition to his other sexual addictions as long as he could pretend to be honorable in his religion and community.)
Lying to Your Children Has a Life-Long Cost — My wife’s adultery partner lied incessantly to his children about his affair and adultery. He lied about the nature of his infidelity, her personal belongings in his home, adopting a dog (i.e. my wife’s dog), why he missed his children’s school and church events, etc. They soon found out about his perpetual lying and hypocrisy.
A Family of Shame and Infidelity — Surprising or not, his parents and some of his siblings supported him in his adultery. His wife noted that most of his family believed he was justified in his infidelity. His extended family taught him that they would support his infidelity and the damage it did to his children.

Lessons Learned for Their Children

Infidelity is Irreparably Damaging — The children from both marriages were seriously impacted. They reacted with intense feelings of anger, anxiety, guilt, shame, sadness, and confusion over their parents’ adultery and infidelity.
Do As I Say and Not as I Do — Our children from both marriages witnessed how both my wife and her adultery partner lied, deceived, and betrayed them without conscience or remorse. They learned that their cheating parents supported parental infidelity and contradicted their upbringing and religious and moral views on marriage and fidelity.
Marriage Vows and Fidelity are Optional — The children learned that marriage fidelity and honor are optional. This lesson also let them know that they should enter into relationships and marriage without expectations of commitment, fidelity, or trust.

These are only a few of the many lessons learned from my wife and her adultery partner’s infidelity. The damage and lessons to both of our recently broken families will require time, work, and hope to heal and move on. Parental infidelity can cause children to question everything that they thought was real or true about their family bringing on depression and anxiety. “Infidelity can have a detrimental psychological effect on kids and lead to a dysfunctional family, which can then disrupt their life and hamper their potential,” said Tatyana Dyachenko, a sexual and relationship therapist.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.