For as long as I can remember, people have been confusing lust for love. This is understandable given lust is often sensationalized as love.

When you are in a budding relationship it can easily rob anyone of the ability to think straight and clearly. In this mental state, how can anyone see the differences between lust and love? Ironically, it’s a tough question when you’re deep in your feelings.

But it’s important to know which is which to avoid disappointment. If you’re looking for a long-term, meaningful relationship, then you’ll want to stay clear of anything rooted in lust, since relationships built on lust tend to burn hot and then out quickly.

Distinguishing between the two isn’t always easy since both lust and love come with ‘intense feelings. The connection of love includes emotional closeness or intimacy–not just sex, but all kinds of intimacy. This intimacy may include having an open and vulnerable conversation with your partner about your innermost desires, future goals, ambitions, vulnerabilities, etc. Lust, on the other hand, doesn’t come with that level of commitment or attachment.

How then does one understand fully the distinction between lust and love? Looking at the definitions of each:

Lust as a ‘noun’

very strong sexual desire.

“he knew that his lust for her had returned”

Similar: sexual desire, sexual appetite, sexual longing, sexual passion, lustfulness, ardor, desire, passion, libido, sex drive, sexuality, biological urge, lechery, lecherousness, lasciviousness, lewdness, carnality… nympholepsy.

Lust as a ‘verb’

have a very strong sexual desire for someone.

“he really lusted after me in those days”

Similar: desire, be consumed with desire for, find sexually attractive, find sexy, crave, covet, want, wish for, long for, yearn for, hunger for, thirst for, ache for, burn for… drool over.

Love as a ‘noun’

an intense feeling of deep affection.

“babies fill parents with feelings of love”

Similar: deep affection, fondness, tenderness, warmth, intimacy, attachment, endearment, devotion, adoration, doting, idolization, worship, passion… relationship

Love as a ‘verb’

feel deep affection for (someone).

“he loved her dearly”

Similar: be in love with, be infatuated with, be smitten with, be besotted with, be passionate about, care very much for, feel deep affection for, hold very dear, adore, think the world of, be, devoted to, dote on, cherish… treasure

While both lust and love have some overlap, in most ways they are the polar opposite of each other. The distinction is in how the person views what they want from the other person versus what they are willing to do, give, and sacrifice for that person.

Going Beyond the Definition of Lust

Lust is a feeling that’s driven mostly by physical desire. It can feel very passionate. However, outside of attraction, a relationship fueled by lust has little substance or value. People in lust-centered relationships are often looking to satisfy their own needs. Lust is mostly accompanied by a thinking pattern highlighted by demands of self and can result in anxious thinking.

In love, however, you desire the other person, but you don’t need to be with them all the time. When you are in love, you want to be bonded with your partner and spend time with them, but you are also able to accept not being with them.

Lust is rooted in the physical and in the moment. When you’re in a lust-centered mindset, you’re not necessarily thinking about the future. So aside from sex, you’re not engaging in things partners in a loving relationship might, like deep conversations or meeting each other’s loved ones.

What is Lust?

Lust exists in the physical realm. Lust is powered by the desire for sexual gratification, typically in the form of a powerful urge. When you are lusting, you don’t think, you just feel. Lust can feel all-consuming — on the physical appearance rather than on who the person really is.

From a scientific perspective, lust prompts our bodies to produce more testosterone, so when we’re around the person, we feel energized, highly aroused, and physically stimulated.

Tell Me Then…What is Love?

Though love is often too hard to put into words, it is the emotional experience of feeling connected with another person. But what makes it different from lust is that you do not feel as if you need to be with this person to maintain or be yourself. Unlike lust, love isn’t possessive. When you love someone, you’re also considerate of your partner’s interests and needs — lust is more about focusing on your wants and desires.

Love can feel intangible. Simply put, love reflects deep emotional attachment — a romantic connection that, while it includes sexual attraction, is not defined by it as lust is.

Between Lust and Love

Although it seems difficult to tell them apart, there are some simple signs to help distinguish between the two. Simple signs even. Look at how you spend your time together. If every encounter turns into some sexual activity, it is most likely lust and not love. People who are ‘in love’ spend almost as much time getting to know each other by doing things together other than sex, discussing their past, present, and future, and enjoying each other’s company outside of sexual activities.

If you observe a physical, emotional, romantic, and spiritual connection growing that you want to nurture and grow, you’re falling in love.

Lust is defined by intensity and fades over time and with age, whereas love ideally grows stronger over time. We lust after people and that doesn’t turn into love, infatuation, or attachment. This reality is rooted in science. Some research suggests lust can last between three months to two years.

Lust doesn’t last and will not make one happy. Lust is the counterfeit of love and only leads to faulty relationships and heartache.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who have been negatively impacted by adultery, affairs, and infidelity. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or us at CHADIE.org.