If the rich and famous have taught us anything, they have taught us that divorce can be traumatic, embarrassing, and life-altering. Expensive even. Melinda Gates received $76 billion from Bill Gates as a result of their divorce. She ended up with more money from her divorce from Bill Gates than Jeff Bezos’ ex-wife, Mackenzie received through her divorce an estimated $60 billion. Both marriages had lasted for more than 25 years but ended, at least in part, due to marital infidelity and deceit.

Now, these are extremely public and expensive divorces. The public nature of Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos’ affairs made world news and headlines. For the average “Joe” or “Jane”, there isn’t much public discourse or sensationalized news lines about their divorce.

Chade, a less-than-average looking “Joe”, married for 20 years, middle-aged, bald, and educated, decided to have an affair with a married woman. Chade was established in a good-paying career, wasn’t particularly street smart, less than average on the “looks” end of the spectrum, and challenged with personal integrity issues. For most of his marriage, he struggled with pornography addiction and connection with his wife, children, and family — all of which made it easy for him to betray his wife and children for an adulterous affair with another married woman.

Chade’s affair with Shade only lasted a few months before his wife discovered his infidelity and mistress. The interesting thing is, that Chade was able to provide an upper-middle-class life for himself and his family. Between legal fees, divorce asset settlement, alimony, and child support, Chade’s total divorce settlement will most likely end somewhere around $1.6 million. A $1.6 million settlement isn’t Hollywood-level divorce money but it isn’t insignificant either. If one were to do the basic math and quantify the cost of Chade’s adultery from a purely financial perspective, it comes out to roughly $17,000 per day of his affair with Shade— at least before it became public. (That’s $17,000 a day, equating to about $3.6 million a year if it were an annual salary. Chade did well financially but only made a fraction of that annually so it is no small sum.) The truly unfortunate part is that the money (and time) wasted could have been invested in his family, children, their education, and creating positive “family memories” — instead, Chade squandered all of that for an adulterous affair to build a lustful relationship based on lies, infidelity, fantasy, escape, and betrayal. Moreover, he built his future with an adulteress who was equally morally bankrupt and who he felt would be a good role model to his children.

While Chade and Shade may have enjoyed cheating on their spouses, betraying their children, shaming them publicly, and risking transmitting STDs and STIs to their spouses, it’s hard to believe the financial cost was worth the price of their adulterous affair. Financial cost aside, what were the costs to Chade and Shade’s reputation, integrity, their spouses, and children?

The Real Cost of Marital and Family Infidelity

How do you put a value or price on your integrity and reputation? What is the cost to children impacted by parental infidelity and betrayal? How does a parent who has lied to their family about their fidelity, honor, and integrity put a value on the loss of their family’s trust and the pain they will suffer for the rest of their lives as a result?

Chade and Shade put their infidelity above their families’ needs and well-being. When each of their children asked them to stop their adultery, they both ignored their children and continued with their adulterous relationship publicly posting pictures on social media of their adulterous relationship together. Shade’s children then followed up with, “If you really love Chade, you wouldn’t ruin his family and cause his divorce.” Shade ignored her children’s pleas. So what was Chade and Shade’s justification for ignoring their children’s pleas? They both denied that their relationship was damaging to anyone. They selfishly pushed forward with their affair with total disregard for their spouses, children, family, and friends regardless of their warnings of the damage it was doing to them and their families.

So, what did they risk and give up for their adultery:

1. Personal integrity and credibility as a parent
2. Honor, respect, and trust from their spouses, children, parents, friends, and co-workers
3. Their faith, religious standards, and marriage vows
4. Their ability to parent their children with authority and respect
5. Lost moments and memories with their children due to their affair and neglect of their children
6. Lost closeness and relationships with their children
7. The right and privilege to be full-time parents to their children (versus only having split time due to their resulting divorces)
8. Their honorable names and reputations
9. They gave up raising their children in their family homes and created lives where their children had to split time with them and their non-cheating parents
10. Their children had to seek professional counseling to help them manage the parental betrayal and aftermath of two divorces
11. Between their two divorces, they gave up about $3 million which would have been directed at raising their children and future retirement had they not committed adultery

These are just a few of the many things Chade and Shade selfishly threw away for their infidelity and adultery. While society may be more accepting of such selfishness and indiscretion, research shows that most children of parental infidelity suffer the rest of their lives as a result.

Experts say children who learn about parental infidelity react similarly to children whose parents divorce, except the emotional responses to cheating are deeper and can have greater, longer-lasting impacts. Clinicians say that in the past the impact of affairs and adultery on children was overlooked or possibly dismissed. But there is growing interest in this field among clinicians today. This increased interest comes, in part, because of a shift in focus in therapy. This shift is on the “family as a unit” and how the actions of one affect the behavior of everybody in the family.

The Long-Term Effects on Children of Parental Infidelity

“When a parent is unfaithful, it can cause a child to question the stability they felt at home,” Dr. Cassandra LeClair, Ph.D., a relationship expert and author of “Being Whole: Healing from Trauma and Reclaiming My Voice” stated.

When affairs occur, children may feel unsure about who to trust, and more importantly, who to show their love towards. “They may feel a sense of betrayal and confusion about loyalty,” says Dr. LeClair. “If they have been taught to be honest and care about others’ feelings, they may question why their role models did not have to follow the same rules.” So when parents think, ‘My infidelity or adultery doesn’t involve my children. It has nothing to do with my children,’ they’re lying to themselves.

The long-term effects of parental infidelity may run much more profound than future relationship behavior (i.e., cheating or not cheating). According to clinical psychologist Ana Nogales, author of Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults Are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful, growing up in a family with infidelity has a lasting impact on children in terms of how they view their romantic relationships and their ability to trust future partners.

Nogales’ research found that:

1. 75% of children experience lingering feelings of betrayal toward their cheating parent
2. 80% say that infidelity shapes their outlook on romance and relationships, and
3. 70% describe infidelity as affecting their general trust in others.

What about when these children grow up and move on? Do they carry the wounds of infidelity with them, and how does this impact their relationships and marriages? Unfortunately, they do. Studies show that children from cheating parents and homes are twice as likely to be unfaithful. In the study, “Family Background and Propensity to Engage in Infidelity,” children of parents who cheated were more likely to cheat as adults, too.

Of children affected by infidelity, Dr. Frank Pittman stated that the children who have grown up the strongest are those who had the chance to ‘’deal with parental infidelity openly, as an error or a character flaw, rather than normal activity or an appropriate solution to a marital problem.”

Shame, loss of trust, confusion, resentment, ambivalence towards the betraying parent, and acting out are common experiences for children of cheating spouses. These issues manifest themselves in children of all ages, from toddlers to adult children. Young children may act out, withdraw, self-inflict harm, or regress.

When parents think, ‘My infidelity or adultery doesn’t involve my children. It has nothing to do with my children,’ they’re lying to themselves. Unfaithful parents damn themselves and their children to lives of pain, sorrow, insecurity, shame, confusion, and mistrust.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who have been negatively impacted by adultery, affairs, and infidelity. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or us at CHADIE.org.