By definition, cheating is acting dishonestly or unfairly to gain an advantage. Marital or romantic relationship cheating is the breaking of a promise made to a spouse or partner by having an intimate relationship or sex with someone else. Cheating and infidelity are similar. Infidelity is the act or fact of having a romantic or sexual relationship with someone other than one’s husband, wife, or partner — unfaithfulness to a moral obligation. It is disloyalty and dishonor.

Cheating is the ultimate romantic relationship violation of trust, fidelity, honor, and integrity. Imagine working with or starting a business with someone you trusted and respected and then later finding out that they were cheating and stealing from you and your business. You find out that they were working with a competitor and stealing your money, product, and intellectual property. Your trust in them would immediately be lost and you would likely take legal action against them for cheating and stealing.

In marriage, cheating happens too frequently with equally detrimental results and outcomes. However, science now offers us new insight into infidelity. As research has demonstrated, cheating is rarely a simple issue. People cheat for many reasons, and the patterns are more complex than some common stereotypes might suggest. A fascinating new study sheds some light on these motivations.

The recent study included nearly 500 people who were recruited through a participant pool at a large U.S. university and Reddit message boards with relationship themes. The participants admitted to cheating in their relationship and answered the question at the root of the issue: Why did you cheat in your relationship? Based on the study, further analysis revealed eight key factors for their romantic relationship infidelity:

1. Anger
2. Low self-esteem
3. Lack of love
4. Low commitment
5. Desire for variety
6. Neglect
7. Sexual desire
8. Situation or circumstance

The motivations for the cheaters and their infidelity not only influenced why the cheaters cheated but how long they cheated. These motivations for infidelity extended to emotional investment in the affair, their sexual enjoyment, and whether their primary relationship ended as a result of the infidelity. Several interesting findings from the study include:

• It’s not just about sex — Though most cheating and infidelity involve sex, it is not just about the sex itself.
• Emotional attachment — While most participants felt some emotional attachment to their affair partner it was significantly more common in those who reported suffering from neglect or lack of love in their primary relationship.
• Expressing affection — Nearly 63 percent admitted to expressing affection toward their new partner.
• Sexually explicit dialogue — Six of 10 engaged in sexually explicit dialogue with their affair partner
• Intimate conversations — Nearly four of 10 had intimate conversations, while only one out of 10 said, “I love you.”

However, the study participants who had cheated had varying levels of satisfaction with sex. Their satisfaction varied depending on the reason for their affair. Participants reported feeling more sexually fulfilled when they cheated because of desire, lack of love, or a need for variety. Those participants who cited a situation as the primary cause were far less satisfied.

Ironically enough, the reason or justification for the infidelity significantly impacted the length and duration of their infidelity. In some cases, the affair relationship was a brief fling, while others were a longer and deeper “affair”. Those who cheated because of anger (i.e.: seeking revenge), lack of love, or need for variety had a longer affair, while those motivated by the situation (such as “not thinking clearly”, “drunk”, “overwhelmed”, etc.) ended their affair and infidelity earlier.

The Cloak-and-Dagger Nature of Infidelity

Infidelity is typically a cloak-and-dagger affair but some cheaters are less careful than others. It’s not clear if this is intentional or not. According to Gary W. Lewandowski, Jr., “Those cheating because of a lack of love went on more public dates and displayed more public affection toward their partner.” Public display of affection (PDA) was also typical for those seeking variety or looking to improve their low self-esteem. On the other hand, situational cheaters were less likely to cheat publicly.

Based on the study, only one out of 10 of the affairs ultimately turned into a commitment — one of the preconceptions that turned out to be true. In general, the study suggests infidelity doesn’t lead to committed relationships.

How Long Do Affairs Last and How Many End in Marriage?

Typically, affairs will last as long as it suits the cheaters’ purpose. Some affairs last hours, while others last a lifetime. Research suggests an average affair lasts two years while others suggest they last between 6–18 months.

For cheaters who are considering leaving their marriage for their affair partner, issues of trust will most likely become serious and constant considerations down the road. Most spouses who leave their marriages for their affair partners have made life-changing sacrifices — both personally and regarding their families. Their sacrifice includes enduring public and personal shame, resentment, and uncertainty. Most of these sacrifices are unwittingly self-inflicted. Affairs burn hot and then out because they require secrecy, deceit, lies, and betrayal. Affairs require a sacrifice of one’s integrity. Affairs survive more on what each partner withdraws from the relationship rather than what they deposit or invest.

The probability of an affair ending in marriage is very, very low. Some data suggests it is between three and five percent. Others suggest it is five to seven percent. While fewer than 25 percent of adulterers (i.e. cheaters) leave a marriage for an affair partner, most of those relationships are statistically unlikely to endure. Second marriages that begin as affairs typically fall into the “75 percent chance of divorce” category. This research suggests that marriages that start as affairs have only a fractional chance of stability and happiness.

Key Takeaways

Adultery and affair partners are far more likely to get what they want from the affair and move on. Their commitment only goes as far as the convenience and thrill of the experience. There is a growing body of research and evidence that infidelity is increasing and contributing to the rise in divorce. In general, infidelity does not lead to marriages that begin as affairs. Most marriages that last are not built on infidelity or affairs. Most marriages that begin as affairs end in divorce or another affair.

Cheating is a relationship destroyer. The goal of a cheater is to deceive and gain while also avoiding getting caught. The cheater typically gets out of their affair more than they put into it. The very elements that create an exciting and intoxicating affair are the fuel that consumes the relationship when it becomes a marriage. This is because the affair is fueled by lust and not love. Such marriages begin on extremely weak foundations eventually collapsing under the strain of everyday life. When affairs are at their peak, the ‘adultery’ partners are blinded to the inevitability that the ‘romance consumes itself’ because it is based on lust rather than love. Those caught up in the lust of an affair nearly always imagine that they are the exceptions to an established pattern of human affairs. They are almost always wrong.

Issues of lost trust and integrity are a common theme with married former affair partners. The resulting distrust is a natural byproduct of relationships borne out of lies, deceit, betrayal, and infidelity. Furthermore, recent research also suggests that those who have cheated in marriage or romantic relationships previously are three times more likely to cheat again.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.