Similar to other forms of trauma, betrayal trauma may occur after you have experienced an event or betrayal of your spouse (or partner) that you consider extremely disturbing or damaging. According to Bessel van der Kolk, an expert on trauma and author of a renowned book, The Body Keeps the Score, trauma is defined as, “an event that overwhelms the central nervous system, altering the way we process and recall memories.”

New data published by the CDC estimate that on any given day in 2018, 1 in 5 people in the U.S. had a sexually transmitted infection (STI). The CDC estimate is a few years old, and the transmission rate and risk are more than likely on the rise. This means, that the more people who have STDs and STIs there are, and the more they have sex, the more they risk sharing their STDs and STIs.

Research suggests betrayal trauma symptoms are deeply impactful and may have long-term effects on one’s mental health. Experiencing betrayal, a form of emotional abuse may cause post-traumatic stress disorder. Symptoms such as flashbacks, nightmares, impaired sleeping, depression, anxiety, confusion, distrust, and dissociation, are common. Betrayed spouses (or partners) often feel as if their life and reality were violently ripped from their grasp. This betrayal and trauma may be intensified by the transmission of sexually transmitted disease (STD) or sexually transmitted infection (STI) by an unfaithful spouse.

“Infidelity is on the rise in our culture. Women and men are having affairs in equal numbers, and it is destroying the American concept of marriage,” says Dr. Sherrie Campbell

Your spouse’s infidelity may have exposed you to life-long medical issues from STDs or STIs. Whether you decide to forgive your spouse or move on to a healthier relationship — you should know whether you have been exposed to an STD or STI. If your spouse has been with another sexual partner, both of you should be tested as soon as possible.

Infidelity is an assault on the sanctity of marriage. Being victimized is a defining aspect of an affair for the cheated-on spouse or partner. The betrayed (i.e., victim) spouse becomes powerless and feels physically and emotionally assaulted. Many couples cannot make it; others stay together but not without many permanent wounds to the relationship. One of the worst outcomes of infidelity, however, is the transmission of a sexually transmitted disease — STD. The emotional turmoil of being the betrayed and cheated-on spouse creates lifelong damage to trust, self-love, and emotionally and mentally healthy.

No one ever wants to imagine their spouse sharing bodily fluids, emotions, or sensations with another person. With or without an STD, the betrayed spouse may see the offending spouse as vile and evil. When an STD is passed as a result of the affair, the betrayed spouse now has to live with decisions he or she never made. They have been betrayed and violated by their spouse. The STD, which has already damaged the marriage, now creates anxiety, worry, fear, and anger. The unfaithful spouse’s affair quickly moves from being emotionally destructive to physically dangerous for the betrayed spouse.

One of the most important elements of the reconciliation process after marital infidelity — arguably the most important element — is a willingness on the part of the unfaithful spouse to take responsibility for his or her actions and face the real-life consequences. Those consequences can take on several different levels — physical, mental, and psychological. Both the betraying (i.e., perpetrator) spouse and the betrayed (i.e., victim) spouse cannot put their marriage back on track without dealing with them.

The Grim Reality of Sexually Transmitted Diseases and Infections

If a spouse’s affair brought him or her into contact with sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), both spouses need to know about it right away. An STD may have profound implications for the sexual dimension of marriage for as long as it exists. Some STDs can lie dormant in a woman’s body for a long time before manifesting any symptoms.

When the STD is a more permanent illness such as Herpes or HPV, or worst-case scenario HIV, this disease marks the victim for life. With each outbreak or physical symptom, another emotional wound reopens. This makes it very difficult for the person who was cheated on to stay in the marriage.

Dealing with a Spouse’s Betrayal and Their Transmission of STDs and STIs

Your spouse’s infidelity may have exposed you to life-long medical issues from an STD. You might choose to forgive your spouse or move on to a healthier relationship — but you should also know whether you have been exposed to an STD or STI. If your spouse has been with another sexual partner, both of you should be tested as soon as possible. If you have filed for a divorce and your spouse refuses to be tested for STDs, you may be able to ask the judge to order that a diagnostic test be completed. This may help you and your doctors respond to any risk of infection.

The betrayed spouse must look after his or her health by, first, trying to improve his or her immune system. Dietary and lifestyle changes may help. Exercise, eating well, getting plenty of rest, and learning stress reduction techniques help. In doing this, the cheated-on spouse comes to terms with anger and depression and concentrates on healing. Emotional healing is crucial because no amount of anger, stress, suffering, resentment, or tears will change the situation.

Is Their Infidelity and Transmission of STDs and STIs Criminal?

If your spouse knew they had an STD and withheld that knowledge from you, you may be able to file a separate civil claim or even criminal charges related to the intentional transmission of an STD or STI. The possibility of a lawsuit or criminal charges may encourage a spouse to settle the divorce quickly and avoid a record of testimony about the disease.

Remember, if your unfaithful spouse transmitted STDs or STIs to you, you owe it to yourself and your children to be tested and treated. You not only need to care for your mental well-being but also your physical well-being.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.