It’s interesting how we confuse lust for love. However, when you think about it, the confusion makes sense. For as long as I can remember, the popular media has presented lust as love.

Distinguishing between the two isn’t always easy since both lust and love come with ‘intense feelings. The connection of love includes emotional closeness or intimacy–not just sex, but all kinds of intimacy. This intimacy may include having an open and vulnerable conversation with your partner about your innermost desires, future goals, ambitions, vulnerabilities, etc. Lust, on the other hand, doesn’t come with that level of commitment or attachment.

How then does one understand fully the distinction between lust and love? Looking at the definitions of each can provide some clarity on the matter:

Lust as a ‘noun’

very strong sexual desire.

“he knew that his lust for her had returned”

Similar: sexual desire, sexual appetite, sexual longing, sexual passion, lustfulness, ardor, desire, passion, libido, sex drive, sexuality, biological urge, lechery, lecherousness, lasciviousness, lewdness, carnality… nympholepsy.

Lust as a ‘verb’

have a very strong sexual desire for someone.

“he really lusted after me in those days”

Similar: desire, be consumed with desire for, find sexually attractive, find sexy, crave, covet, want, wish for, long for, yearn for, hunger for, thirst for, ache for, burn for… drool over.

Love as a ‘noun’

an intense feeling of deep affection.

“babies fill parents with feelings of love”

Similar: deep affection, fondness, tenderness, warmth, intimacy, attachment, endearment, devotion, adoration, doting, idolization, worship, passion… relationship

Love as a ‘verb’

feel deep affection for (someone).

“he loved her dearly”

Similar: be in love with, be infatuated with, be smitten with, be besotted with, be passionate about, care very much for, feel deep affection for, hold very dear, adore, think the world of, be, devoted to, dote on, cherish… treasure

While both lust and love have some overlap, in most ways they are the polar opposite of each other. The distinction is in how the person views what they want from the other person versus what they are willing to do, give, and sacrifice for that person.

What is Lust?

Lust is a feeling that’s driven mostly by physical desire. It can feel very passionate. However, outside of attraction, a relationship fueled by lust has little substance or value. People in lust-centered relationships are often looking to satisfy their own needs.

Lust is rooted in the physical and in the moment. When you’re in a lust-centered mindset, you’re not necessarily thinking about the future. So aside from sex, you’re not engaging in things partners in a loving relationship might, like deep conversations or meeting each other’s loved ones.

Lust exists in the physical realm. Lust is powered by the desire for sexual gratification, typically in the form of a powerful urge. When you are lusting, you don’t think, you just feel. Lust can feel all-consuming — on the physical appearance rather than on who the person really is.

In love, however, you desire the other person, but you don’t need to be with them all the time. When you are in love, you want to be bonded with your partner and spend time with them, but you are also able to accept not being with them.

From a scientific perspective, lust prompts our bodies to produce more testosterone, so when we’re around the person, we feel energized, highly aroused, and physically excited. Lust is defined by intensity and fades over time and with age, whereas love ideally grows stronger over time. We lust after people and that doesn’t turn into love, infatuation, or attachment. This reality is rooted in science. Some research suggests lust lasts between three months to two years.

Affairs and Adultery Are Lust, Not Love

Affairs and Adultery are lust-based, not love-based relationships. When people engage in affairs and adulterous behavior they do not have the best interest in mind or heart of their affair and adultery accomplice, spouse, children, family, or friends. They are in it for what they can get out of it. They risk everything for their affair by gambling away not only their own but also their cheating partner’s reputation, family, friends, children, physical health, and mental well-being. They do not value their cheating partner because they do not love them. Affairs and adultery are lust-based and done in secret through lies, deception, and betrayal.

In the book, Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy, Dr. Frank Pittman outlines nine defects that flaw a second marriage that begins as an affair. A second marriage that begins with infidelity, statistically speaking, will most likely end in divorce within two years.

The very elements that create an exciting and intoxicating affair are the fuel that consumes the relationship when it becomes a marriage. This is because the affair is fueled by lust and not love. Such marriages begin on extremely weak foundations that collapse under the strain of everyday life. When the affair is at its peak, the ‘adultery’ partners are blinded to the inevitability that the ‘romance consumes itself’ because it is based on lust. Those caught up in the lust of an affair nearly always imagine that they are the exceptions to an established pattern of human affairs. They are almost always wrong.

The probability of an affair ending in marriage is very, very low — between three and five percent, and many join the 75 percent of second marriages that fail, a rate half again as high as first marriages. While fewer than 25 percent of adulterers (i.e. cheaters) leave a marriage for an affair partner, according to one source, most of those relationships are statistically unlikely to endure. This research suggests that only 1% achieve stability and happiness.

These nine defects include:

1. Stimulating unreality — While still married to others, the affair partners become immersed in “stimulating unreality,” but the second marriage illuminates reality.

2. Overwhelmed with guilt — The cheaters who wrecked a family (or two) and inflicted tremendous pain on innocent people may feel little to no guilt during the affair but become overwhelmed with guilt after they marry.

3. Disparity in their sacrifice — Divorces drain both financially and emotionally. After affair partners marry, the new couple may feel a disparity in what had to be sacrificed to bring them together.

4. Expectation misalignment — Unfaithful couples who marry may believe that the life after the marriage will be as good as life during the affair, and that the greater the sacrifices, the greater the expectations for the new marriage.

5. Foundation of Distrust — The affair partners, who were unfaithful, develop a distrust of marriage and for the affair partner who is now a spouse. A marriage that begins on an untruth cannot have a trusting foundation.

6. Betrayers Insulate Themselves — During the affair and the divorce, the unfaithful couple isolates and insulates themselves, and they retreat to a private little world “protected from the devastation that they have created, safe from anyone who tries to pull them apart.”

7. Failure to Nurture Relationship — When the romance fades, as it does in most marriages, romantics do not understand that this is part of the growth of the marriage, and they do not know how to nurture “a deeper more meaningful relationship” because they relish lust over love.

8. Betrayal of Fantasies — During the affair and the divorce, the affair couple convinces each other that the defective marriage is the fault of the betrayed spouse. To acknowledge otherwise, now that the remarriage has taken place, seems a betrayal of “the rescue fantasies that fed the affair in the first place.”

9. Jealousy and Insecurity — The absence of a shared history that nurtures a comforting familiarity with relationships that begin earlier in life makes talking about the past difficult. An affair that wrecked the first marriage makes it painful and embarrassing for both spouses to discuss the past because it may promote jealousy and insecurity.

Relationships that are free of these defects and last are based on mature love, which values responsibility. Affairs are relationships based on lust and rarely transition to love.

Lust Leads to Cheating and Infidelity

For cheaters who are considering leaving their marriage for their affair partner, they must understand that issues of trust will most likely become front and center down the road. Many people who leave their marriages for their affair partners have made life-changing sacrifices — both personally and regarding their families. Their sacrifice includes enduring public and personal shame, resentment, and uncertainty. Many of these sacrifices are unwittingly self-inflicted to their detriment. Issues of trust and integrity are a common theme with now-married former affair partners. (This is the natural byproduct of relationships borne out of lies, deceit, betrayal, and infidelity.)

Affairs are as exhausting as they appear. They burn hot because they require secrecy, deceit, lies, and betrayal. They require a sacrifice of one’s integrity. Affairs survive more on what each partner withdraws from the relationship rather than what they deposit or invest.

Based on a recent study, people who had cheated before were much more prone to unfaithfulness. Those who cheated in their first relationship were three times (3x) more likely to cheat again. Love doesn’t lead to cheating, lust does.

Lost Between Understanding Lust and Love

Too many remain confused by the high that lust gives them to recognize the lack of love in their relationship. Unlike lust, love isn’t possessive. When you love someone, you’re also considerate of their interests and needs — lust is more about focusing on your wants and desires — like an affair. Simply put, love reflects deep emotional attachment — a romantic connection that, while it includes sexual attraction, is not defined by it as lust is.

Infidelity is the action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse. Infidelity is based on dishonor, distrust, disloyalty, irresponsibility, lies, and deceit. Sustainable relationships, marriage or otherwise, are not built on the foundations of infidelity. Affairs are built on infidelity which is lust.

Fidelity is, on the other hand, faithfulness to a person, cause, or belief, demonstrated by continuing loyalty and support. Fidelity is based on honor, trust, loyalty, responsibility, truth, and honesty. Sustainable relationships, marriage or otherwise, are built on the foundations of fidelity. Fidelity is based on love.

Lust doesn’t last and will not make one happy. Lust is the counterfeit of love. Affairs are built on lust and ruin marriages, families, and lives.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.