In the wake of the recent pandemic, we are seeing the emergence of a global epidemic. This epidemic is an epidemic that we have not seen to this extent and threatens to undermine the very social fabric and lives of many innocents. We are seeing the tragic rise of infidelity and the breakup of marriages and families. The worst part is children are the helpless victims caught up in the destructive behavior of affairs.

Many of us can likely point to family, friends, or colleagues who have been impacted by or involved in an affair. Statistically speaking, there is a 1 in 3 chance of cheating or being cheated on in marriage. Some data even suggest it is much higher.

Unfortunately, research is still lacking to a great extent. That said, in one of the most comprehensive studies regarding sexual practices in the United States, 25 percent of men and 15 percent of women admitted to having sex with someone other than their spouse while they were married.

While this study is informative in many ways, it doesn’t address emotional infidelity, nor whether these spouses had children. As some have suggested, if emotional infidelity were considered, the rates could be as high as 70 percent for both genders.

In Dr. Frank Pittman’s book, Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy, he outlines nine defects that flaw a second marriage that begins as an affair. A second marriage that begins with infidelity probably will be heading to divorce within two years, according to Elizabeth Landers, who writes about marriage and family.

The very elements that create an exciting and intoxicating affair are the fuel that consumes the relationship when it becomes a marriage. Such marriages begin on extremely weak foundations that collapse under the strain of everyday life. When the affair is at its peak, the ‘adultery’ partners are blinded to the inevitability that the romance consumes itself, and they nearly always imagine that they are the exceptions to an established pattern of human affairs. They are almost always wrong.

The nine defects that Dr. Pittman outlined, include:

1. Stimulating unreality — While still married to others, the affair partners become immersed in “stimulating unreality,” but the second marriage illuminates reality. “Only after their marriage did the divorce become real enough to see that it was a horrible mistake. They were so caught up in the infatuation that they never got around to figuring out if what they were doing was sane.”

2. Overwhelmed with guilt — The cheaters who wrecked a family (or two) and inflicted tremendous pain on innocent people may feel little to no guilt during the affair but become overwhelmed with guilt after they marry.

3. Disparity in their sacrifice — Divorces drain both financially and emotionally. After affair partners marry, the new couple may feel a disparity in what had to be sacrificed to bring them together.

4. Expectation misalignment — Unfaithful couples who marry may believe that the life after the marriage will be as good as life during the affair, and that “[t]he greater the sacrifices, the greater the expectations for the new marriage.” In short, “[t]he more people enjoy the battles involved in wrecking and escaping marriages, the less they are likely to enjoy the business as usual of the new marriage.”

5. Foundation of Distrust — The affair partners, who were unfaithful, develop a distrust of marriage and for the affair partner who is now a spouse. A marriage that begins on an untruth cannot have a trusting foundation.

6. Betrayers Insulate Themselves — During the affair and the divorce, the unfaithful couple isolates and insulates themselves, and they retreat to a private little world “protected from the devastation that they have created, safe from anyone who tries to pull them apart.” In this regime, memories or even mention of the betrayed spouse can be difficult. Later, the now-married couple may long to reconnect with these people; however, “[e]veryone involved is hurt by the betrayal and not as forgiving as they have expected. They often find that they only have each other and that can be very lonely.”

7. Failure to Nurture Relationship — When the romance fades, as it does in most marriages, romantics do not understand that this is part of the growth of the marriage, and they do not know how to nurture “a deeper more meaningful relationship”; rather, “they believe that they have just fallen out of love.”

8. Betrayal of Fantasies — During the affair and the divorce, the affair couple convinces each other that the defective marriage is the fault of the betrayed spouse. To acknowledge otherwise, now that the remarriage has taken place, seems a betrayal of “the rescue fantasies that fed the affair in the first place.”

9. Jealousy and Insecurity — The absence of a shared history that nurtures a comforting familiarity with relationships that begin earlier in life makes talking about the past difficult. An affair that wrecked the first marriage makes it painful and embarrassing for both spouses to discuss the past because it may promote jealousy and insecurity. Affair partners who marry do not want to hear the good qualities of the previous marriage and spouses, nor about any good times the former partners had. Trying to start over can be lonely and disheartening.

Second marriages that begin with infidelity usually head to divorce within two years, according to Elizabeth Landers, who writes about marriage and family. There are no guarantees second marriages that begin as affairs will end in divorce but the available research and data strongly support such outcomes.

Experts say children who learn about parental infidelity react similarly to children whose parents divorce, except the emotional responses to cheating are deeper and can have greater, longer-lasting impacts. “(Infidelity) violates everything they know about their parents as people,” said Don-David Lusterman, a marriage and family clinical psychologist and author. “(Their parents) have told them to be good, tell the truth…and suddenly they discover that their parent is doing something way out of the promises they know that their mom and dad have made to each other.”

So, why do so many married people pursue happiness through infidelity and affairs? It’s quite simple — they are blinded by their selfish pursuits of self-gratification and the belief that they are an unfortunate victim seeking happiness. The irony is, in their pursuit of happiness they burn down the foundations of trust and fidelity which leads to pain and suffering for their spouses, partners, families, children, and eventually themselves.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! There is hope if you are a spouse who has betrayed your marriage’s trust, love, and fidelity! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy and groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you want to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.