Kate and Tate were having a fun and exciting sexual affair. They were both married with children but they believed their lives were boring and unfulfilling. They had become disenfranchised with their lives, children, and spouses. Both had gone down dark paths of sexual addiction to numb themselves from their marriage commitments, bad choices, and midlife crises.

During our research and interviewing process for a potential upcoming book on infidelity, we had the opportunity to interview Kate and Tate. Both started their affair knowing they were breaking marriage vows and covenants but justified it along the way. Both were religious and had held positions in their respective churches as leaders and knew infidelity and adultery were dangerous “transgressions” and would have a lifelong impact on them, their families, and their children.

Kate and Tate’s “Truth” Conversation

In one of our interviews with Kate, she told us that she had researched online about adultery and parental infidelity and had come to terms with “burning everything down” because she could “rebuild everything with Tate” she thought. She believed that she could build a better life through the destruction of her life, her children’s, her spouse’s, Tate’s children’s, and Tate’s spouse’s life.

She went on to say in the interview that Tate and she had a “heart-to-heart” conversation that went something like this:

Kate: Can you trust me knowing that I cheated on my husband with you? I had always been faithful until I met you.

Tate: I can because what we have is special. Can you trust me knowing that I cheated on my wife with you?

Kate: I can. You are a good person and I love you.

Kate was very proud that they had shared “their truth” about their commitment to each other beyond their current adulterous relationship. She believed they would be faithful together even in their present unfaithfulness and affair. (Somehow her adulterous relationship with Tate was different from her current marriage commitment to be faithful to her husband and children.)

The Conversation Kate and Tate Should Have Had About Their Infidelity

Kate felt by building their relationship on infidelity to their spouses, children, and families they were building a foundation of fidelity and trust with each other. (She never elaborated on her reasoning but it was clear she wasn’t totally convinced of this but had committed adultery with Thad and she had no other strategy left.)

Ironically, a few weeks later, Tate called for a temporary sabbatical from their adulterous affair. He needed to spend time with his family to see if his adulterous relationship with Kate was marriage material or not. Unfortunately for Tate, he never got to find out because his wife discovered his affair and decided to divorce him.

This aside, we conducted additional research and interviews with their spouses to better understand what was “real” and what was a “fantasy” about Kate and Tate’s relationship. To that end, let’s revisit Kate and Tate’s dialogue about trusting each other and interject some honesty and facts into it since they are lacking:

Kate: Can you trust me knowing that I cheated on my husband and children with you? I’ve had other affairs but the one with you is special. I am sure this is the right affair for me. I’ve been running away from being a spouse and parent for several years now. Our affair is exciting and that is what I desperately need. I am unstable and see a therapist regularly. I crave distraction from who I have become and you are that distraction!

Tate: I can trust you because what we have is special — it is based on our lies to each other about who we pretend to be with each other. I am not a good husband or father but I pretend to be for you! Can you trust me knowing that I cheated on my wife and children with you? I’ve had emotional affairs and been addicted to pornography for most of my married life. I’m so proud of this — I keep a fantasy journal that also includes my erotic dreams and desires. Most of these fantasies aren’t about you but that is okay since I was never really faithful to my wife either. You are my current love and addiction!

Kate: I can trust you! I trust you! I do! You are a good person and I love you for it. You’ve proven to me that you are good at cheating on your wife and children. You are a good liar! You lied to them, betrayed them, and damaged their futures all for me! Your parental infidelity to them means so much to me! This shows me that you are a good man to do this for me. Even though you told me early on in our affair that if we crossed certain lines, as we did so regularly, our relationship was doomed to fail. I can’t wait to marry you and see if you can be faithful to me or not.

Unfortunately, the dialogue that Kate and Tate had was nowhere as honest as the one they should have had. Their delusions prevented them from having honest conversations about their dishonest relationship with each other and their spouses. “Their truth” was in fact “their lies” and nothing more.

Marriages That Start as Affairs Usually End By Affairs

According to Dr. Frank Pittman, author of Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy and Elizabeth Landers, a second marriage that begins with infidelity will likely fail within two years. Of course, there are no guarantees second marriages that begin as affairs will fail but the available research and data strongly support such outcomes.

We’ve all heard it said, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” but is it true? According to a study from the University of Denver, research suggests there is solid evidence that it is.

For the study, which was published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers had nearly 500 people answer questions about at least two different romantic relationships. Of the participants, nearly 45 percent reported having sex with someone outside of their current relationship during their study.

People who had cheated before were much more prone to unfaithfulness. A lot more likely. Those who cheated in their first relationship were three times (3x) more likely to cheat again. If you do it once and come to terms with it as something you do, then it may just not seem so bad the next time that you do it.

Many believe that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. (Note, the key word here is “predictor” which is different than a determinant.) Someone with a long history of infidelity, across multiple relationships, is more likely to repeat that past behavior. Either way, science strongly suggests the odds of being cheated on by a cheater are very high.

These predictors are just one of many reasons why marriages that start as affairs fail. Statistically speaking, marriages that start as affairs are rarely successful marriages.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.