The phrase, “If they will do it with you, they will do it to you”, attributed to Dr. Phil, has become popular in certain circles. This cogent little phrase is offered up as a certainty. It was said about infidelity and affairs — but is it a certainty?

For cheaters who are considering leaving their marriage for their affair partner, they must understand that issues of trust will most likely become front and center down the road. Many people who leave their marriages for their affair partners have made life-changing sacrifices — both personally and regarding their families. Their sacrifice includes enduring public and personal shame, resentment, and uncertainty. Many of these sacrifices are unwittingly self-inflicted to their detriment. Issues of trust and integrity are a common theme with now-married former affair partners. (This is the natural byproduct of relationships borne out of lies, deceit, betrayal, and infidelity.)

Affairs are as exhausting as they appear. They burn hot because they require secrecy, deceit, lies, and betrayal. They require a sacrifice of one’s integrity. Affairs survive more on what each partner withdraws from the relationship rather than what they deposit or invest.

Affairs and their partners exist in an artificial reality. The affair exists as an antidote to what the cheaters see as a “bad marriage” — which often looks a lot better in hindsight. (Some studies suggest that up to 80% of divorcees regret not working out their marriage.) Affairs are fueled by comparison. But once reality sets in and the comparison are rendered irrelevant, the new marriage has to stand on its own merits — or be crushed by the weight of reality.

Most experts point to several reasons why affairs fail or end. The most common reasons include:

1. Taboo and secret — affairs consume energy because they must be kept secret. They survive more on what each partner gets than what each invests in the relationship.
2. Sacrifice exceeded benefit — because of the dynamics of a forbidden relationship, one or both partners come to realize he or she lost much more than he or she now shares. “As relates to sacrifice, often one will discover (or feel) that his or her sacrifice was much greater than what the other person had to sacrifice, and this can lead to resentment and disillusionment.” Paradoxically, sacrifice sometimes feeds the relationship until there is nothing left to feed the relationship.
3. Betrayal and lies — the most obvious principles are that their marriage begins on a foundation of betrayal and lies, as is an affair, and cannot easily become one of trust and loyalty, as is marriage.

If They Will Do It with You, They Will Do It to You

According to Dr. Frank Pittman, author of Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy and Elizabeth Landers, a second marriage that begins with infidelity will likely fail within two years. Of course, there are no guarantees second marriages that begin as affairs will fail but the available research and data strongly support such outcomes.

So, why do so many married spouses pursue happiness through infidelity and affairs? It’s quite simple. They are blinded by their selfish pursuits of self-gratification and the belief that they are an unfortunate victim seeking happiness. The irony is, in their pursuit of happiness they burn down the foundations of trust and fidelity which leads to pain and suffering for their families, kids, and eventually themselves.

Dr. Pittman’s nine defects in the dynamics of affairs that become marriages chart the trajectory of love as it arcs from a forbidden romance to an established marriage to a marital breakup.

These nine defects include:

1. Stimulating unreality — While still married to others, the affair partners become immersed in “stimulating unreality,” but the second marriage illuminates reality. “Only after their marriage did the divorce become real enough to see that it was a horrible mistake. They were so caught up in the infatuation that they never got around to figuring out if what they were doing was sane.”
2. Overwhelmed with guilt — The cheaters who wrecked a family (or two) and inflicted tremendous pain on innocent people may feel little to no guilt during the affair but become overwhelmed with guilt after they marry.
3. Disparity of sacrifice — Divorces drain both financially and emotionally. After affair partners marry, the new couple may feel a disparity in what had to be sacrificed to bring them together.
4. Expectation misalignment — Unfaithful couples who marry may believe that the life after the marriage will be as good as life during the affair, and that “[t]he greater the sacrifices, the greater the expectations for the new marriage.” In short, “The more people enjoy the battles involved in wrecking and escaping marriages, the less they are likely to enjoy the business as usual of the new marriage.”
5. Foundation of Distrust — The unfaithful affair partners, develop a distrust of marriage and of the affair partner who is now a spouse. A marriage that begins on an untruth cannot have a trusting foundation.
6. Betrayers Insulate Themselves — During the affair and the divorce, the unfaithful couple isolates and insulates themselves, and they retreat to a private little world “protected from the devastation that they have created, safe from anyone who tries to pull them apart.” In this regime, memories or even mention of the betrayed spouse can be difficult. Later, the now-married couple may long to reconnect with these people; however, “Everyone involved is hurt by the betrayal and not as forgiving as they have expected. They often find that they only have each other and that can be very lonely.”
7. Failure to Nurture Relationship — When the romance fades, as it does in most marriages, romantics do not understand that this is part of the growth of the marriage, and they do not know how to nurture “a deeper more meaningful relationship”; rather, “they believe that they have just fallen out of love.”
8. Betrayal of Fantasies — During the affair and the divorce, the affair couple convinces each other that the defective marriage is the fault of the betrayed spouse. To acknowledge otherwise, now that the remarriage has taken place, seems a betrayal of “the rescue fantasies that fed the affair in the first place.”
9. Jealousy and Insecurity — The absence of a shared history that nurtures a comforting familiarity with relationships that begin earlier in life makes talking about the past difficult. An affair that wrecked the first marriage makes it painful and embarrassing for both spouses to discuss the past because it may promote jealousy and insecurity. Affair partners who marry do not want to hear about the good qualities of the previous marriage and spouses, nor about any good times the former partners had. Trying to start over can be lonely and disheartening.

Cheaters are Three Times (3x) More Likely to Cheat Again

Some recent studies and research project that 30 to 60% of all married individuals in the U.S. will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage. This translates into nearly 80% of all American marriages being impacted by cheating at some point.

In a study from the University of Denver, published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers had nearly 500 people answer questions about at least two different romantic relationships. Of the research participants, 44 percent reported having sex with someone outside of their current relationship during their study.

People who had cheated before were much more prone to unfaithfulness. Those who cheated in their first relationship were three times (3x) more likely to cheat again. So it may not be that people are learning from their mistakes, instead, they may just be getting used to their bad behavior. If you do it once and come to terms with it as something you do, then it may just not seem so bad the next time that you do it.

Interestingly enough, the study finding is also backed up by past research. A 2016 study found that among people who had cheated in former relationships, 30 percent cheated on their current partners. That’s compared to only 13 percent of those who had never been unfaithful at all.

Most cheaters feel guilty about cheating on their spouses. In addition, they feel like they aren’t true to their own set of morals, even if their partner never finds out. They may feel like they can’t stop themselves, but they’re still tortured by what they’re doing. For many, conscience can serve as an important brake on infidelity and a lesson for learning from infidelity. (By contrast, cheaters with more sociopathic traits won’t feel much guilt for their actions which means they are more likely to take advantage of the next opportunity that presents itself.)

These predictors are just one of several factors for why most marriages that start as affairs fail. Statistically speaking, marriages that start as affairs are only successful about 1–3% of the time. Far more concerning is the impact on the children of such drama and bad decisions.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.