(This article is a contributed article.)

There seems to be a significant increase in personal and public justification for parental and romantic relationship infidelity these days. Movies, television shows, music, and articles are rich with excuses and justifications for infidelity, affairs, and adultery. So why is there so much intentional effort and intensity around such justification? It’s simple, there is no justification for their infidelity so they seek to excuse it as a matter of seeking happiness or connection outside of their committed marriage or romantic relationship. This media onslaught is simply an attempt at blame transference.

Just in the last week or so, I have seen countless articles parading around people’s proud claims and justifications for infidelity. These articles unabashedly promote and attempt to justify infidelity. Why? Because they weren’t happy in their marriage or committed romantic relationship. They were no longer satisfied in their marriage or relationship. So, the solution they came up with was choosing to be unfaithful and a life of infidelity. Problem solved. No more unhappiness. Infidelity equals happiness and satisfaction — or so they would lead you to believe. It simply isn’t true.

The truth is, that infidelity rarely leads to happiness or satisfaction with one’s life or self. Sure, there seems to be some short-term happiness and escapism for those lost in infidelity but eventually, they surface from the depths of fantasy and delusion to the reality of what their infidelity means and the collateral damage it has caused their cheated-on spouse or partner, their affair partner, their families, their lives, and themselves.

For cheaters who are considering leaving their marriage for their affair partner, issues of trust will most likely become serious and constant considerations down the road. Most spouses who leave their marriages for their affair partners have made life-changing sacrifices — both personally and regarding their families. Their sacrifice includes enduring public and personal shame, resentment, and uncertainty. Most of these sacrifices are unwittingly self-inflicted as the cheater didn’t think through their infidelity and the lifelong impact it would have on them.

Affairs burn hot and then out because they require secrecy, deceit, lies, and betrayal. Affairs require a sacrifice of one’s integrity and honor. Affairs survive more on what each partner withdraws from the relationship rather than what they deposit or invest.

Infidelity Equates to Betrayal and Inevitable Guilt

The probability of an affair ending in marriage is very, very low. Some data suggests it is between three and five percent. Others suggest it is five to seven percent. While fewer than 25 percent of adulterers (i.e. cheaters) leave a marriage for an affair partner, most of those relationships are statistically unlikely to endure. Second marriages that begin as affairs typically fall into the “75 percent chance of divorce” category. This research suggests that marriages that start as affairs have only a fractional chance of stability and happiness.

Adultery and affair partners are far more likely to get what they want from the affair and move on. Their commitment only goes as far as the convenience and thrill of the “affair” experience. There is a growing body of research and evidence that infidelity is increasing and contributing to the rise in divorce. In general, infidelity does not lead to marriages that begin as affairs. Most marriages that last are not built on infidelity or affairs. Most marriages that begin as affairs end in divorce or another affair.

Cheating is a relationship destroyer. The goal of a cheater is to deceive and gain while also avoiding getting caught. The cheater typically gets out of their affair more than they put into it. The very elements that create an exciting and intoxicating affair are the fuel that consumes the relationship when it becomes a marriage. This is because the affair is fueled by lust and not love. Such marriages begin on extremely weak foundations that eventually collapse under the strain of everyday life. When affairs are at their peak, the “adultery partners” are blinded to the inevitability that the ‘romance consumes itself’ because it is based on lust rather than love. Those caught up in the lust of an affair nearly always imagine that they are the exceptions to an established pattern of human affairs. They are almost always wrong.

Issues of lost trust and integrity are a common theme with married former affair partners. The resulting distrust is a natural byproduct of relationships borne out of lies, deceit, betrayal, and infidelity. Furthermore, recent research also suggests that those who have cheated in marriage or romantic relationships previously are three times more likely to cheat again.

Parental Infidelity and Its Impact on Children

The long-term effects of parental infidelity can run much deeper than future relationship behavior (i.e., cheating or not cheating). According to clinical psychologist Ana Nogales, author of Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults Are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful, growing up in a family with infidelity has a lasting impact on children in terms of how they view their romantic relationships and their ability to trust future partners.

Nogales’ research found that 75% of children experience lingering feelings of betrayal toward their cheating parent, 80% say that infidelity shapes their outlook on romance and relationships, and 70% describe infidelity as affecting their general trust in others.

Key Takeaways

Typically, affairs will only last as long as it suits the cheaters’ purpose. Some affairs last hours, while others last a lifetime. Research suggests an average affair lasts two years while other research suggests they last between 6–18 months.

The key takeaway here is if you can’t work out your marriage or committed romantic relationship, choose divorce before choosing infidelity. Infidelity isn’t a commitment — it’s a pseudo-escape that will damage you, your reputation and integrity, and those you love. Infidelity comes with a 10% commitment only that will either lead to a damaged marriage, divorce, or a new marriage with a 75% chance of eventual divorce and three times the average rate for repeated infidelity. Worse yet, if you have children, you risk damaging them, their futures, and your relationship with them through your selfish and reckless infidelity. Be brave, work your marriage or relationship out or divorce, and move on. Don’t choose infidelity.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who have been negatively impacted by adultery, affairs, and infidelity. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.