It’s common when you meet a couple or set of new friends to want to get to know them. In getting to know them better, it’s natural to want to understand their story, who they are, what they like, hobbies, work, family, and life experiences.

Oftentimes, you might even ask how the couple met and married. Many couples are excited to share their stories of how they met, courtship, decision to get married, proposal story, etc.

For couples whose marriages started as affairs, their stories are often believed to be ones filled with excitement, fun, and passion. However, they are also based on secrets, deceit, betrayal, and lies. In their minds, they are conflicted about what they believed their affair to be versus what it was.

Whether the cheating couple believed they were justified in cheating on their spouses and children because their marriages were boring, hard, or simply unfulfilling, they chose the most complicated path possible to divorce their cheated-on spouse and eventually marry their adultery partner. They also chose a path of secrets, lies, and betrayal to build their affair and eventual marriage.

For those who start their marriage as affairs, their stories and trust in each other are based on a shaky foundation of infidelity and distrust. This is manifest in how they have to withhold the truth when they talk about their ‘story.’

The Alternative Story of a Marriage That Started as An Affair

Let’s take William and Kaydee’s story as an example. They are at a pickleball tournament and run into another couple at the venue. Their dialogue might go something like this:

The Couple: Hi, I’m Jack and this is my wife, Jill. We just moved here from California a few months ago and are just getting into the tournament scene. This is a great tournament event and we love the atmosphere here.

William and Kaydee: It’s nice to meet you both. I’m William and this is my wife, Kaydee. This is a great venue and tournament. We love playing tournaments together here.

Jill: Are you both from the area?

Kaydee: Yes, we live about 30 minutes North of here.

Jack: That’s very close. We live about an hour away in Sandy. So, how long have you two been playing together?

William: Just a few years. That’s how we met.

Jack: We started playing about two years ago. This is only our second tournament though. How’d you meet playing pickleball?

Kaydee: We were playing early in the morning at a nearby park with a group and eventually started dating.

Jill: Oh, that’s so sweet! You two fell in love playing pickleball and now get to play tournaments together. When did you both realize that you wanted to get married?

William: It didn’t take long really. We both realized we were meant for each other.

Jill: That’s so romantic. How long have you been married?

Kaydee: We just married about a year ago. How long have you been married?

Jill: We’ve been married for more than 20 years now.

The Real Story of a Marriage that Started as An Affair

The above was a simple example of how couples might be introduced to each other. However, in reality, if William and Kaydee were to be honest in their affair story, it would instead go something like this:

The Couple: Hi, I’m Jack and this is my wife, Jill. We just moved here from California a few months ago and are just getting into the tournament scene. This is a great tournament event and we love the atmosphere here.

William and Kaydee: It’s nice to meet you both. I’m William and this is my wife, Kaydee. This is a great venue and tournament. We love playing tournaments together here.

Jill: Are you both from the area?

Kaydee: Yes, we live about 30 minutes North of here.

Jack: That’s very close. We live about an hour away in Sandy. So how long have you two been playing together?

William: A few years. We met while playing pickleball. It’s how we started our extramarital affair together that ended both of our marriages at the time. We were both going through personal identity and midlife crises and decided to have an adulterous affair together. Our adultery caused great sorrow to our spouses and children but it brought us together!

Jack: Uh?!

Kaydee: Yes, it’s such a romantic story. We were playing early in the morning at a nearby park with a group and eventually started our affair. We would meet up secretly in the morning after telling our spouses and children we were just going to play pickleball. We’d meet and have sex in my ex-husband’s car, my car, or in William’s car if we could squeeze into it. It was exciting!

William: It was exciting! My wife and kids just thought I was at work or playing pickleball early in the morning when I was breaking my marriage vows and committing adultery with Kaydee. We enjoyed the excitement, deceit, and endless lies.

Jill: Oh… that’s… um…

William: It didn’t take long for us to believe our lies. We realized we were meant for each other as liars and cheaters. It was so easy to have an affair under the disguise of being married. When my wife found out about my adultery it sped things up for us to go from adultery to divorce to marriage. That’s when I knew I needed to commit to my adulterous affair with Kaydee or I’d end up single and publicly humiliated as an adulterer. That’s when I realized we were meant to be together.

Jill: Umm… meant to be together…?!

Kaydee: Yes. William wasn’t committed to me then as much as the free sex he got from me. He used me for sex and a fun time. The week before our spouses learned of our infidelity and adultery, William broke off our affair for a summer break to be with his wife and kids. He did this because he was such a good husband and father.

William: Well, to be honest, I am not a good husband or father. I never was or likely will be. I lied to Kaydee about that and just about everything else to keep the affair going. My kids hate me and who could blame them? I was unfaithful and lied to them about my affair. They are angry at me for having betrayed my wife and breaking my marriage vows by having adulterous sex with Kaydee. They just don’t understand that I am selfish and have no integrity. My affair was about me and only me. Kaydee was just the sex and distraction I needed at the time. Everyone just needs to get over it and let me live my truth!

Kaydee: If I am honest, I am not a great wife or mother either. The guilt of being a bad spouse and parent drove me to start my affair with William. I believed that my affair would bring me happiness. I was wrong — it just distracted me. I have been in extensive therapy and counseling ever since. I believed my affair would solve ‘my defects’ so much that I would leave my minor children at home alone overnight to sleep with William at his place. When caught, I told my kids that it was just “dating before divorce” and that William was a great man. My older kids asked me how he could be a great man if he cheated with me on his wife and kids and condoned me sleeping with him while abandoning them. I told them William did all of it for me! He cheated and committed adultery for me! That is what true love is.

Jack: Uh… true love…I don’t think that’s love…

Kaydee: Well, if I define true love as adultery and causing heartache to my spouse, children, and family, then yes, my adultery and divorce have brought me “true love” at the expense of damaging everyone. On the other hand, most of our children are in therapy because of the heartache I have brought to them. My reputation is ruined and most people now know that I am a liar, cheater, and marriage covenant breaker. I lied to everyone about the nature of my relationship with William and our adultery. I told everyone I was a victim and in a bad marriage that was a good marriage. When people didn’t believe my lies I made up more. In actuality, I am a victim of my decisions but I have to play a victim of life circumstances to excuse my infidelity and betrayal.

William: My wife messed up my plans for just having an affair on the side with Kaydee while keeping up appearances with my marriage. I’ve never really enjoyed marriage or commitment, but everyone my age is married with kids, which is what I believed I needed to keep up appearances. I wasn’t committed to my kids or wife. My addiction to pornography and infidelity was and always will be more important than my wife and kids. My kids are all in therapy because of my marital infidelity but they will eventually get over it.

Kaydee: William is the love of my life now. Because of our adultery, he now pays alimony to his ex-wife. We chose each other over our marriage vows, families, and faith. He is so committed to me and our marriage that started as an affair. My other affairs were never as meaningful as this one. My midlife crisis over the last few years set me up well to make the thousands of choices needed to have an affair with William. Of my affairs, my affair with William is the affair I am most proud of. This affair turned into a marriage built on marital lies, deceit, and betrayal. Every day that William goes to work early, comes home late at night or has to go to work for an emergency, I wonder if he is being faithful or not. I am so happy!

William: That is why I think I can love Kaydee. She is committed to making our marriage, which began as an affair, work! She recognizes that her other affairs were not the right affairs. We know that the odds of making our marriage work are against us because we built our relationship on infidelity, deception, and betrayal but that’s okay. The research shows we have about a 1% chance of having a great marriage and are three times more likely to cheat on each other than non-cheaters are. This is the foundation I chose to build my future and raise my children.

Jill: Well, uh… it was… interesting to meet you… two… uh… bye.

The grim and unfortunate reality is, that cheaters condemn themselves and their families to an endless cycle of deception, shame, and lies. No matter how delusional they may choose to be, eventually, they will have to face reality and how “their shared origin story” is one best-kept secret for all involved.

Cheaters are Three Times (3x) More Likely to Cheat Again

Some recent studies and research project that 30 to 60% of all married individuals in the U.S. will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage. This translates into nearly 80% of all American marriages being impacted by cheating.

In a study from the University of Denver, published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers had nearly 500 people (68 percent of whom were women) answer questions about at least two different romantic relationships. Of the research participants, 44 percent reported having sex with someone outside of their current relationship during their study.

People who had cheated before were much more prone to unfaithfulness. Those who cheated in their first relationship were three times (3x) more likely to cheat again.

When someone starts an affair they don’t think through the damage they will cause to everyone around them — including their spouses and children. The cheaters pay the price of a forbidden relationship based on lies, deceit, and betrayal. This debt is paid by having to continue to lie about how they met, had an affair, divorced, and married — they ultimately deny themselves a path to being honest about who and what they betrayed to become a couple. As sad as this is, far more damaging is the impact their parental infidelity had on their spouses, family, and children.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.