(This article is a contributed article.)

It’s an interesting question, isn’t it? “How should adultery partners first introduce each other to their children?” For the better part of the last two years, I have been reading, researching, studying, and interviewing couples and children negatively impacted by spousal infidelity, affairs, and adultery.

My journey of interest in this area started more than 20 years ago when my father’s extramarital affair was discovered — eventually leading to my parents getting divorced. I’ve since had many friends, family members, relatives, colleagues, etc. who have dealt with the betrayal of their unfaithful spouse and the resulting impact on their children. (As if this wasn’t enough direct experience, I also found out after many years of marriage that my wife had moved beyond ‘emotional affairs’ to having an adulterous affair with a married man. All of this, unfortunately, has given me direct experience and insight into the breakup of marriages, the destructive impact of parental infidelity, the chaos that ensues for children, and the process of rebuilding lives.)

In the course of the research that I have been doing for a potential book about the impact parental infidelity has on children, I have come across some profound yet, deeply sad studies and personal testimonials of how children are impacted by parental infidelity and adultery. Unfortunately, there is still much more research that needs to be done to fully understand the impact as well as to help reform divorce law to protect children from their unfaithful and misguided parents.

One of the saddest parts, at least for me, of the research, is drilling down on the questions to where one question leads to another even more saddening than the other. While research strongly suggests that the probability of an affair ending in marriage is very, very low — between three and five percent, and many join the 75 percent of second marriages that fail, a rate half again as high as first marriages — fewer than 25 percent of adulterers (i.e. cheaters) leave a marriage for an affair partner, according to one source, most of those relationships are statistically extremely unlikely to endure. This research suggests that only 1% actually achieve stability and happiness. This is a terribly grim statistic, especially when most negatively impacts children and close family members. No matter which stat you might choose to use, the outlook, statistically speaking for couples hoping their affairs will last forever is not worth betting on. Essentially, about 1% of affairs will end up intact and happily married.

Parental Selfishness and the Neglect of Their Children

Despite the facts and grim reality of affairs and adultery, there are those adulterous parents who scorch the earth in their pursuit of infidelity and selfish desires — often to the detriment of themselves and their children. These parents eventually force their children to meet their adultery partner against their will. This grim reality of course brings us back to the question, “How should adulterers first introduce each other to their children?” (The short answer is — they shouldn’t if they love their children!) Of all the stories shared with me and the interviews I have conducted, one specific example stands out to me.

Willie started his midlife and personal identity crisis off with an affair that led to his divorce and the ending of a 20-year marriage. He had several children all of which were still minors under the law. Shortly after his family found out about his illicit affair and adultery, he moved out of their home. He chose to move out of their family home on his birthday. A year later on his birthday, he decided to add another great family memory that would also indelibly be associated with his birthday — the day he introduced his minor children to his adulteress, Addie.

I interviewed Willie’s wife prior to and following their divorce. In one of our discussions, she informed me that Willie had told her children that he was introducing Addie to them on his birthday. (Happy birthday to me (Willie)! Here’s my adulterous partner, Addie. I know you are so happy to meet her!) Of course, they were in shock — to say the least — as was his wife.

While Willie had tried to keep his continued affair and adultery secret from his children for more than a year, they were aware of his secretive meet-ups and sleepovers with Addie. (They were also aware that Willie lied regularly about his work ‘schedule changing’ so he could spend time with Addie instead of them.) She had moved her furniture and personal belongings into his home. They had also seen home security videos of Addie arriving, sleeping over, and then leaving before they came over to spend time with their father. Even knowing all of this, they were understandably scared and even anxious about meeting his ‘adulteress’ with whom their father had thrown away his marriage, family, and honor.

Meeting the Adultery Partner

Willie was not a particularly invested father and his affair and abandonment of his children had only illustrated how self-centered he was. However, the fact that Willie decided to introduce his children to his adulterous partner showed just how focused on himself and his sex with Addie he was and not at all concerned about his children. As minors, they didn’t have a choice whether or not they would meet Addie. Willie wanted his children to meet her and that was how it would be for them.

So, how did their formal introduction to Addie go? While both Willie and Addie went out of their way to try to make it fun and less awkward than it obviously was, their relationship represented a willful violation of family trust, integrity, fidelity, and security for his children. They wanted no part of it but now had to deal with one more traumatic event they would need to reconcile with over time. Willie of course didn’t consult with his ex-wife or children’s therapist to see if this was appropriate or not. (What did Willie’s children think of Addie? They thought what most minor children would think of an adulterous woman who helped destroy their family, she was “Dumb”.)

In Ana Nogales’ book, Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults Are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful, she writes:

“Regardless of their age, children whose parents have been unfaithful often react with intense feelings of anger, anxiety, guilt, shame, sadness, and confusion. They may act out, regress, or withdraw. They may even feel pressured to win back the love of the unfaithful parent or to become the caretaker of the betrayed parent.”

“With all these messages we’re giving to our children, our (future) society will be different,” said Ana Nogales, clinical psychologist, and author.” “What is important is to create awareness that cheating in the marriage or a serious relationship is not just something about the two people, but it may affect, at some point, the whole family. So when people think ‘This doesn’t involve my children. It has nothing to do with my children,’ they’re lying to themselves. When this is known, the children are seriously affected.”

In a survey Nogales conducted of more than 800 adult children whose parents had been unfaithful, 96 percent of respondents said cheating was not okay, even if their partner didn’t find out, yet 44.1 percent had been unfaithful themselves.

Nogales believes children are most dramatically affected by infidelity through the loss of trust — which doesn’t always happen with divorce. “(A parent) is supposed to be the person a child can trust more than anyone else,” she said. “When one parent betrays another, it’s a supreme breach of trust. Most of the children felt that they were betrayed by the parent, too.”

“(Infidelity) is a terrible disillusion that says ‘One of my parents was profoundly dishonest to my other parent. And if they’re so dishonest with the parent, why would they be more honest with their kids?” he said. “You begin to question the foundations of your own relationships.”

So, if you are an adulterer looking to introduce your children to your adultery partner, remember that the day you do so will be a day of infamy and trauma to your children. (And, if you are naive enough to choose your birthday as the day you introduce them to your adultery partner, well — you’re also an idiot who deserves to have your children see your birthday as a day of shame rather than a day of celebration!) Such decisions have long-term, life-changing consequences for children — but this fact seems of little concern to unfaithful parents because they do not act in the best interests of their children. The research and data attest to it. Adulterers are forewarned!

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.