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How to Talk a Friend Out of Having an Affair

So, do you have a friend, loved one, or colleague who is flirting with the idea of starting an affair? Or, do you know someone who has started an affair? If so, what, if anything, can you say to them to help them avoid making a horrible life-changing decision for themselves, their children, and their loved ones?

Well, no matter what you do you are in a bit of a predicament. If you say or do nothing you may end up being complicit in their decision to pursue their affair. On the other hand, if you say or do something it might risk your friendship.

So, your friend has mentioned to you or you have heard in a roundabout way that they are considering having an affair. Assuming you decide to say or do something, you can review the following questions and responses before initiating your conversation with them:

1. Why are you thinking about having an affair?

Their response might include something like:

  • My marriage doesn’t make me happy
  • We don’t have enough sex
  • I fell out of love with my spouse and am lonely
  • I don’t know how to fix our marriage

Research, studies, and common sense show:

  • 90% of Americans believe it is morally wrong to commit an adulterous act
  • Research has found that, when the affair is revealed, both partners can experience mental health issues including anxiety, depression, and thoughts of suicide. There can also be an increase in emotional and physical violence within the married or partnered couple.
  • Infidelity can have lasting impacts on the partners and children the couple may have. Grief, brain changes, behaviors down the road, and mental health conditions such as anxiety, chronic stress, and depression can result. Some families have been able to move past infidelity with time and therapy.
  • Infidelity is life-changing and should be avoided at all costs.
  • The ‘adultery story’ is always remembered and everyone that knows it is impacted forever. Even though you may choose to stay together, everyone who knows will treat you differently.
  • The adulterer and his or her victim; are forever characterized as such by close family and friends.

2. What do you expect to gain from having an affair? What did you expect of your marriage that isn’t fulfilling your expectations?

Their response might include something like:

  • I expect to be happy
  • Have more sex
  • Find a new love
  • Just have an uncommitted sexual relationship
  • To eventually get divorced
  • Stay in my marriage and just keep the affair secret
  • To be more comfortable than I am now

Research, studies, and common sense show:

  • Adultery is not a victimless crime. A person who commits adultery for self-serving reasons often blames his or her legitimate partner for cheating, the ‘discovery of the affair,’ in the mind of the adulterer, has no “innocent victims.” The thinking goes that one’s legitimate partner is also at fault (she/he wouldn’t have sex, communicate nicely, spend money responsibly, etc.). The truth is otherwise; the only person to blame for the cheating is the philanderer. Everyone else in the immediate family, as well as extended family members and friends, are all undeservedly hurt.
  • “Extramarital affairs are burdened with secrecy, clandestine elements, and the fear of being discovered. Paradoxically, these factors fuel the affairs and make it difficult to get out. As the affair continues for a long time, the person is left to grapple with the consequences of what happens next and whether to come clean or not,” said Dr. Khemani
  • The repercussions of an extramarital affair can be extremely damaging to your mental health. You could end up seeing yourself as a culprit and take the blame for everything that goes wrong.

3. What are you willing to give up to have an affair?

Their response might include something like:

  • To give up my life as it is now
  • To give up my family and time with my children
  • Whatever it takes to find happiness

Research, studies, and common sense show:

  • Infidelity is one of the top cited reasons couples decide to get divorced. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), infidelity in the United States accounted for 20–40 percent of divorces.
  • Among ever-married adults who have cheated on their spouses before, 40% are currently divorced or separated. By comparison, only 17% of adults who were faithful to their spouse are no longer married. On the flip side, only about half of “cheaters” are currently married, compared with 76% of those who did not cheat. (IF Studies)
  • According to a study published by the National Institutes of Health (NIH), one partner in 88% of couples studied cited infidelity as a major contributing factor.
  • In a Gallup poll, researchers noted that more than half of partners say they would leave their spouse and get a divorce if they found out their spouse was having an affair.

4. Do you plan on marrying the person you have an affair with?

Their response might include something like:

  • Maybe
  • I am just looking for some emotional and sexual connection
  • I may marry them but not sure

Research, studies, and common sense show:

  • While conclusive research and studies still seem sparse on this matter, the probability of an affair ending in marriage is very, very low — between three and five percent, and many join the 75 percent of second marriages that fail, a rate half again as high as first marriages. While fewer than 25 percent of adulterers (i.e. cheaters) leave a marriage for an affair partner, according to one source, most of those relationships are statistically extremely unlikely to endure. This research suggests that only 1% achieve stability and happiness. This is a grim statistic, to say the least especially when many negatively impact children and close family members. No matter which stat you use, that’s a grim statistic for couples hoping their affairs will last forever. Essentially, about 1% of affairs will end up intact and happily married.
  • As Dr. Jordan Peterson so appropriately puts it in his book, The 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote for Chaos, “You do not have a life with someone when you have an affair with them. You have an endless array of desserts… You see each other under the best possible conditions… An affair is not helpful, and people end up hurt. Particularly children — and it is to them that we owe primary allegiance.”
  • Relationships that last are based on mature love, which values responsibility. If one of you can’t own up to your mistakes, you’ll always be blaming someone or something else when things go wrong. If they do marry, time will tell if they will be the happy 1% that transition from an affair to a happy, long-term marriage.

5. Do you think sharing sex partners as a part of an affair is fair to your spouse and the parent of your children? Have you thought about the risk of getting and/or transmitting STDs or STIs?

Their response might include something like:

  • It’s my choice and has nothing to do with my spouse or children
  • Maybe not but I am not happy
  • My affair will not be sexual
  • We will practice safe sex in our affair

Research, studies, and common sense show:

  • New data published by the CDC estimate that on any given day in 2018, 1 in 5 people in the U.S. had a sexually transmitted infection (STI).
  • Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) — or sexually transmitted infections (STIs) — are generally acquired by sexual contact. The bacteria, viruses, or parasites that cause sexually transmitted diseases may pass from person to person in blood, semen, or vaginal and other bodily fluids.
  • STIs don’t always cause symptoms. It’s possible to contract sexually transmitted infections from people who seem perfectly healthy and may not even know they have an infection.
  • Each year there are an estimated 374 million new infections with 1 of 4 STIs: chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, and trichomoniasis. (World Health Organization)
  • More than 30 different bacteria, viruses, and parasites are known to be transmitted through sexual contact. Eight of these pathogens are linked to the greatest incidence of sexually transmitted diseases. Of these, 4 are currently curable: syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and trichomoniasis. The other 4 are incurable viral infections: hepatitis B, herpes simplex virus (HSV or herpes), HIV, and human papillomavirus (HPV). (World Health Organization)

6. Have you thought about how the news of your affair will impact your spouse, children, family, and friends?

Their response might include something like:

  • No, but I will just keep it a secret
  • My family already knows I am not happy
  • It doesn’t matter at this point
  • My family will understand

Research, studies, and common sense show:

  • 75% of children experience lingering feelings of betrayal toward their cheating parent, 80% say that infidelity shapes their outlook on romance and relationships, and 70% describe infidelity as affecting their general trust in others. (Ana Nogales’ book, Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults Are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful)
  • Parental infidelity can cause most children to question everything that they thought was real or true about their family. This can bring on depression and anxiety. “Infidelity can have a detrimental psychological effect on kids and lead to a dysfunctional family, which can then disrupt their life and hamper their potential,” Tatyana Dyachenko, a sexual and relationship therapist stated.
  • When a parent is unfaithful, it can make children wonder what’s real — and what’s not. “When a parent is unfaithful, it can cause a child to question the stability they felt at home,” Dr. Cassandra LeClair, Ph.D., a relationship expert and author of “Being Whole: Healing from Trauma and Reclaiming My Voice” stated.
  • In Ana Nogales’ book, Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults Are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful, she writes: “Regardless of their age, children whose parents have been unfaithful often react with intense feelings of anger, anxiety, guilt, shame, sadness, and confusion. They may act out, regress, or withdraw. They may even feel pressured to win back the love of the unfaithful parent or to become the caretaker of the betrayed parent.”
  • “With all these messages we’re giving to our children, our (future) society will be different,” said Ana Nogales, clinical psychologist, and author.” “What is important is to create awareness that cheating in the marriage or a serious relationship is not just something about the two people, but it may affect, at some point, the whole family. So when people think ‘This doesn’t involve my children. It has nothing to do with my children,’ they’re lying to themselves. When this is known, the children are seriously affected.”
  • Nogales believes children are most dramatically affected by infidelity through the loss of trust — which doesn’t always happen with divorce. “(A parent) is supposed to be the person a child can trust more than anyone else,” she said. “When one parent betrays another, it’s a supreme breach of trust. Most of the children felt that they were betrayed by the parent, too.”
  • “(Infidelity) is a terrible disillusion that says ‘One of my parents was profoundly dishonest to my other parent. And if they’re so dishonest with the parent, why would they be more honest with their kids?” he said. “You begin to question the foundations of your relationships.”

7. Do you want to always have the stigma of being a cheater?

Their response might include something like:

  • No, I don’t but if it happens then I will just deal with it then
  • I can work through it
  • I don’t care what other people think
  • Everyone cheats

Research, studies, and common sense show:

  • The ‘adultery story’ is always remembered and everyone that knows it is changed forever. Even though you may choose to stay together, everyone who knows will always treat you differently. The adulterer and his or her victim; are forever characterized as such by close family and friends.
  • 75% of children experience lingering feelings of betrayal toward their cheating parent, 80% say that infidelity shapes their outlook on romance and relationships, and 70% describe infidelity as affecting their general trust in others. (Ana Nogales’ book, Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults Are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful)

8. Did you know that most marriages that start as affairs fail?

Their response might include something like:

  • My affair will be different
  • I can make it work

Research, studies, and common sense show:

  • Dr. Jan Halper noted that only three percent of men who engaged in extramarital affairs married their mistresses.
  • According to noted marriage counselor Dr. Frank Pittman, men who do marry their paramours have a divorce rate as high as 75%.
  • In infidelity research from the Zur Institute, it was found that most affairs don’t go beyond the “falling-in-love” phase and are short-term.
  • According to Dr. Frank Pittman, author of Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy and Elizabeth Landers, a second marriage that begins with infidelity will likely fail within two years. A second marriage that begins with infidelity probably will be heading to divorce within two years, according to Elizabeth Landers, who writes about marriage and family.

9. Did you know that children are dramatically impacted by parental infidelity?

Their response might include something like:

  • They will get over it
  • That’s not true
  • My children are too young to understand
  • My children are old enough to understand
  • My affair will have nothing to do with my children

Research, studies, and common sense show:

Hopefully, as you try to help your friend, loved one, or colleague understand the serious life implications of having an extra-marital affair, they will be open to refraining from making such a damaging decision. Either way, you have warned them and it is up to them to heed the warning or deal with the lifelong consequences.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.

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