(The following article is a contributed article.)

It’s, unfortunately, an all too common statement, “I was married, faithful, and then betrayed!” For those of us who have had unfaithful and cheating spouses, this phrase has an all-to-real and hurtful meaning. For those of us who have been betrayed — marriage, faithfulness, and betrayal aren’t just words. They each hold deep meaning and feelings of anger, bitterness, pain, suffering, and sadness.

Marriage can be complicated enough without infidelity and betrayal being introduced into the mix. When a spouse cheats in their marriage they have added another level of complexity to their marriage. They have desecrated marriage, violated trust and fidelity, and betrayed their spouse and children in ways that ripple through time and posterity.

When couples enter into marriage, they commit through vows, covenants, and promises of faithfulness to each other. This faithfulness must be complete in mind, body, words, and intentions. Complete faithfulness means complete fidelity to each other.

Marriage is predicated upon the principles of faithfulness, commitment, and fidelity. A faithful spouse will wholeheartedly fulfill marital responsibilities, promises, and obligations to their spouse. Faithfulness in marriage is unfailingly remaining loyal to your spouse and putting that loyalty into consistent practice regardless of extenuating circumstances. This faithfulness means spouses don’t engage in sexual relationships outside of the marriage.

Marital faithfulness is necessary for children. Children need to see consistent love and faithfulness between their parents. When children see consistent love and faithfulness between their parents it provides strength, stability, and security in their lives. This loyalty brings a sense of permanence to their family.

Trying to Understand Infidelity

Over the last year or two, I have been researching, interviewing, and writing about the decline of marriage, fidelity, and integrity. In one such interview, I learned of a sordid affair between Nitro and Tiger. (Their actual names are withheld for anonymity of course.)

Nitro and Tiger were having an adulterous affair. Nitro, was married with several children. He enjoyed the benefits of marriage but wasn’t particularly committed to the fidelity part of his marriage. He blamed his wife for his unhappiness and personal character deficiencies. He enjoyed the thrill of the hunt and pursuit of unfaithful married women. As his pornography addiction taught him, women were sexual objects for his self-gratification and exploitation. Such pursuits helped him soothe his insecurities and inadequacies. Tiger, on the other hand, was married with several children as well. She struggled with marriage, stress, children, and her growing insecurities. Her first-world problems were overwhelming to her. Her coping mechanism went from being a controller and manipulator in her marriage to indulging herself in multiple affairs.

Nitro and Tiger enjoyed the carefree nature of their affair — no responsibility, free sex, and pretending to be who they weren’t. They milked each other and their affair for months until eventually their affair was revealed. It didn’t take long for word of their affair to get around and the impact of the damage they had done to their spouses, children, family, and themselves. They both decided they would divorce their spouses and get married because they were in love with each other. This lasted about a month until they both decided to go back to their spouses. Their spouses decided to allow them to make restitution for their betrayal and infidelity but soon realized that their cheating spouses’ betrayal was complete and they both couldn’t be trusted as they had secretly tried to keep their affair going during reconciliation. Both Nitro and Tiger wanted the benefits of marriage but also their affair on the side.

What Nitro and Tiger didn’t understand was their lust for each other was not love nor did it save them from being the broken versions of themselves that they were running away from. No amount of exciting and distracting affairs or adultery would change who they were. They had betrayed their spouses, children, families, and each other. They were untrustworthy, dishonorable, and dishonest to their spouses and each other.

While it is too early to know how things will work out for Nitro and Tiger, they already have a bumpy runway ahead of them. They established their relationship on mutual infidelity to their spouses and each other. They have learned that they lied to each other about who they were, their spouses, and their own commitment to each other. Both have spent the last year in therapy grasping for meaning as they witness the devastation their infidelity has had on their children and families.

After sorting and weighing several sources of data and research, here are a few data points on the destructive impact of infidelity on cheaters and their victims:

• 56% of men and 34% of women who commit infidelity rate their marriages as happy or very happy.
• 40% of American adults, who have cheated on their spouse, are currently separated or divorced.
• Nearly 50% of cheating and unfaithful spouses are still married to their betrayed spouse.
• 76% of faithful spouses successfully remain married.
• Cheating husbands fair better with their marriage staying intact after their infidelity.
• 44% of cheating wives remain married to their betrayed spouse.
• 75% of children have lingering feelings of betrayal toward their cheating parent
• 80% of children impacted by their parent’s infidelity say that infidelity shapes their outlook on romance and relationships
• 70% of children impacted by their parent’s infidelity describe infidelity as affecting their general trust in others.

Nitro and Tiger Shouldn’t Expect to Do Better Together

Ironically, because Nitro and Tiger had been unfaithful, their next marriage is statistically less likely to fair better than their first marriage. When couples divorce over infidelity, there is an extremely high rate of failure in future marriages. The high divorce rate is a result of trust issues, not committing to couples therapy, struggling with a newly combined family, and working with ex-spouses.

Infidelity is also a pattern — or potential pattern. Recent research shows that if you have been unfaithful once, you are three times more likely to be unfaithful again, compared to someone who has never cheated.

Key Takeaways

Infidelity is heartbreaking and devastating to everyone involved. It hurts almost anyone it touches. Infidelity doesn’t necessarily mean the end of every marriage though. Both cheating and betrayed spouses can recover and become stronger than ever before by working together and resolving the issues that led to infidelity but both spouses need to be committed to working things out and moving on.

As for affairs that end in marriage, the odds are definitely against a happy ending. Nitro and Tiger only have a 3–7% chance of getting married and even then a 75% chance of divorcing after marriage. If they marry they are three times more likely to cheat again.

No matter what Nitro and Tiger do, they have to live with the damage they have done to their spouses, children, families, and reputations. The knowledge of what they have done coupled with their new realities can be devastating and heartbreaking to everyone involved.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.