It’s strange when you think about it. It really is. Men and women innately feel ashamed and humiliated when their partner cheats on them. They feel this even though they themselves did nothing to be ashamed of. Too often, people feel embarrassed by their partners’ behavior, whether domestic violence, emotional abuse, drug or alcohol addiction, gambling, pornography addiction, or sex addiction.
All too often, those abusers and addicts shift the blame onto their wives and husbands. This tactic is called “blame-shifting”, a term originally coined as a self-defense mechanism by Anna Freud when a person attributes their own unwanted thoughts, feelings, or motives to another person (Anna Freud, 1936).
According to Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW in her article titled The Verbal Vomit of the Psychological Abuser: Projection and Blame-Shifting, “Projecting, or “blame-shifting” one’s undesirable mental and emotional notions onto another person, the individual is protected against having to be aware of and accountable to their own thought process. The object of the projection is then targeted for blame since the unwanted thoughts and emotions are too threatening to be accountable to.”
Abusers and addicts typically deploy this blame-shifting as a defense mechanism. Anyone can fall prey to a defense mechanism during a stressful event. Healthy people, however, can acknowledge where they need to access integrity and authenticity to explore uncomfortable feelings. Some people, particularly extremely narcissistic individuals, are incapable of that level of insight and feel very exposed and vulnerable to shame and judgment. Their narcissism prevents them from being aware of, showing, and admitting their own imperfections. As a result, projection or “blame-shifting” becomes habitual as they continue their behaviors, addiction, and abuse.
Blame-shifting is a very common psychological abuse tactic against the psychological abuser’s target — spouse, partner, family member, friend, or colleague. However, the truth is that we are only responsible for our own behavior and others must be accountable for theirs. Cheaters in marriage and relationships are often masters of blame-shifting and betrayal because they can’t accept blame for their infidelity and indiscretion.
The Ultimate Betrayal
Betrayal is a devastating assault upon our ability to trust. This assault undermines trust in ourselves, other people, our sense of justice, and even God or deity. Betrayal can affect our self-esteem if we allow it to. According to Wikipedia, marital betrayal is the ultimate betrayal because it is the “breaking or violation of a marital contract, trust, or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within the relationship between spouses.” Betrayal in the form of marital infidelity is a violation of a married couple’s emotional and sexual exclusivity that commonly results in feelings of anger, sexual jealousy, and rivalry.
For many, the worst part of adultery is the deception and lies. The deception is painful because it is the culmination of the sharing of a life with someone who has been lying, deceiving, and betraying. The betrayed feel gaslighted and begin to doubt their own senses. They might wonder, “Who was he or she, really?” “How could they do this to our marriage?” “Why didn’t I see the signs of their betrayal?”
More damaging is when we allow our partner’s behavior to be a judgment of our self-worth. We may wonder, “What did I do wrong?”, “Am I attractive enough?”, or “Can I ever find love again?” It can impact our most vulnerable fears — “Am I lovable?”, “Am I a good partner?”, “Can I help my future spouse be happy and fulfilled?” In actuality, the shame belongs solely to the cheater, not the victim.
Trust, integrity, commitment, and respect are cornerstones of all human relationships, particularly marriage. Marriage relationships cannot be healthy or last without both partners acting with integrity in both actions and words. Obviously, some failure of integrity is inevitable and understandable in every marriage as no one is perfect. Trust is not built on the absence of failure but on the genuine efforts of both partners to take responsibility and try to rectify those failures.
Rebuilding Your Life After Being Betrayed
Rebuilding your life and trust in yourself and others can be a long and arduous process. Sometimes, adultery is a symptom of problems in the marriage — a lack of open communication, sex, or emotional intimacy. Other times, it is a passive-aggressive act by the offending spouse of anger or a way to take some freedom or independence back. Still yet, it may be a result of the cheating spouse’s insecurities and low self-esteem. Building bridges of empathy with one another begins when the betrayer takes responsibility.
We are never responsible for someone else’s behavior, nor does it reflect upon our self-worth. Only our own actions reflect on us. Never, ever allow someone else’s words or actions to diminish your self-esteem.
If you’ve been betrayed, as so many of us have, don’t allow self-doubt to creep into your mind. Your value, and your self-respect, aren’t tarnished at all! You are not alone in being betrayed! Accept that you have been betrayed, abused, and violated and that you will rise above it in time with the proper effort and support network! You are not alone. Millions have walked this path before you and paved the way for your success!
Recovering from Infidelity
If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!
Share Your Story
The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.
About the CHADIE Foundation
The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.
The CHADIE Foundation 