Infidelity is easy. It’s simple to do. It doesn’t require an education, degree, or special training. Infidelity isn’t complicated even if society suggests it is. What’s complicated is the damage infidelity does to children, families, and those who are guilty of infidelity. Despite there now being different types, forms, definitions, and degrees for what infidelity is — there’s no denying what infidelity is. Unless of course, you are the one committing infidelity.

We all inherently recognize infidelity when we see it or hear it. Infidelity is the action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or other sexual partner. Infidelity is built and based on dishonor, distrust, disloyalty, irresponsibility, lies, and deceit. Sustainable relationships, marriage or otherwise, are not built on the foundations of infidelity. Affairs are built on infidelity.

Fidelity is, on the other hand, faithfulness to a person, cause, or belief, demonstrated by continuing loyalty and support. Fidelity is based on honor, trust, loyalty, responsibility, truth, and honesty. Sustainable relationships, marriage or otherwise, are built on the foundations of fidelity.

Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy and Trust

While conclusive research and studies are still lacking on the matter, the probability of a relationship built on infidelity, as is an affair, ending in marriage is very, very low — between three and five percent. Of those, 75 percent of second marriages fail, a rate half again as high as first marriages. While fewer than 25 percent of adulterers (i.e., cheaters) leave a marriage for an affair partner, most of those relationships are statistically extremely unlikely to endure. This research suggests that only 1% achieve stability and happiness. No matter which stat is used, that’s a grim statistic for couples hoping their affairs will last forever.

Most experts point to several reasons why relationships built on infidelity fail or end. The most common reasons include:

1. Taboo and secret — affairs consume energy because they must be kept secret. They survive more on what each partner gets than what each invests in the relationship.
2. Sacrifice exceeded benefit — because of the dynamics of a forbidden relationship, one or both partners come to realize he or she lost much more than he or she now shares. “As relates to sacrifice, often one will discover (or feel) that his or her sacrifice was much greater than what the other person had to sacrifice, and this can lead to resentment and disillusionment.” Paradoxically, sacrifice sometimes feeds the relationship until there is nothing left to feed the relationship.
3. Betrayal and lies — the most obvious principles are that their marriage begins on a foundation of betrayal and lies, as is an affair, cannot easily become one of trust and loyalty, as is marriage.

According to Dr. Frank Pittman, author of Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy and Elizabeth Landers, a second marriage that begins with infidelity will likely fail within two years. Of course, there are no guarantees second marriages that begin as affairs will fail but the available research and data strongly support such outcomes. Dr. Pittman’s nine defects in the dynamics of affairs that become marriages chart the trajectory of love as it arcs from a forbidden romance to an established marriage to a marital breakup.

The nine defects that result from infidelity include:

1. Stimulating unreality — While still married to others, the affair partners become immersed in “stimulating unreality,” but the second marriage illuminates reality. “Only after their marriage did the divorce become real enough to see that it was a horrible mistake. They were so caught up in the infatuation that they never got around to figuring out if what they were doing was sane.”
2. Overwhelmed with guilt — The cheaters who wrecked a family (or two) and inflicted tremendous pain on innocent people may feel little to no guilt during the affair but become overwhelmed with guilt after they marry.
3. Disparity in their sacrifice — Divorces drain both financially and emotionally. After affair partners marry, the new couple may feel a disparity in what had to be sacrificed to bring them together.
4. Expectation misalignment — Unfaithful couples who marry may believe that the life after the marriage will be as good as life during the affair, and that “[t]he greater the sacrifices, the greater the expectations for the new marriage.” In short, “[t]he more people enjoy the battles involved in wrecking and escaping marriages, the less they are likely to enjoy the business as usual of the new marriage.”
5. Foundation of Distrust — The unfaithful affair partners, develop a distrust of marriage and for the affair partner who is now a spouse. A marriage that begins on an untruth cannot have a trusting foundation.
6. Betrayers Insulate Themselves — During the affair and the divorce, the unfaithful couple isolates and insulates themselves, and they retreat to a private little world “protected from the devastation that they have created, safe from anyone who tries to pull them apart.” In this regime, memories or even mention of the betrayed spouse can be difficult. Later, the now married couple may long to reconnect with these people; however, “[e]veryone involved is hurt by the betrayal and not as forgiving as they have expected. They often find that they only have each other and that can be very lonely.”
7. Failure to Nurture Relationship — When the romance fades, as it does in most marriages, romantics do not understand that this is part of the growth of the marriage, and they do not know how to nurture “a deeper more meaningful relationship”; rather, “they believe that they have just fallen out of love.”
8. Betrayal of Fantasies — During the affair and the divorce, the affair couple convinces each other that the defective marriage is the fault of the betrayed spouse. To acknowledge otherwise, now that the remarriage has taken place, seems a betrayal of “the rescue fantasies that fed the affair in the first place.”
9. Jealousy and Insecurity — The absence of a shared history that nurtures a comforting familiarity with relationships that begin earlier in life makes talking about the past difficult. An affair that wrecked the first marriage makes it painful and embarrassing for both spouses to discuss the past because it may promote jealousy and insecurity. Affair partners who marry do not want to hear the good qualities of the previous marriage and spouses, nor about any good times the former partners had. Trying to start over can be lonely and disheartening.

All nine of the defects that Dr. Pitman outlines above are results of infidelity. Infidelity undermines all foundations it seeks to build upon.

Infidelity is Simple. Dealing with Infidelity Aftermath Isn’t.

Why do so many married people pursue happiness through infidelity and affairs? It’s quite simple. They are blinded by their selfish pursuits of self-gratification. The irony is, in their pursuit of happiness they burn down the foundations of trust and fidelity which leads to pain and suffering for their families, kids, and eventually themselves.

Citations, Quotes, and Sources

www.divorcesource.com%2Fblog%2Fwhen-marriages-begin-as-affairs%2F

https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/724471.Private_Lies

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.