Being the victim of an unfaithful partner is difficult and life-changing. It’s emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially damaging. Victims of unfaithful spouses, both spouse and children, ponder why their spouse or parent cheated, what precipitated their cheating and what signs were missed indicating their cheating.

In Gallup polls, 91% of people say infidelity in a marital partnership is morally wrong, and 64% say they would not be prepared to forgive their partner if caught cheating. And yet, 54% of Americans say they know someone who has an unfaithful spouse.

Infidelity research reveals that there are three distinct personality types correlated with a higher likelihood of cheating:

1. Sociopaths
2. Narcissists
3. Lost and lonely hearts

Sociopaths

Psychopathy is the tendency to disregard the moral code and the rights of others, acting purely on one’s behalf. Experts disagree about whether or not the distinctions between psychopathy and sociopathy are significant enough that the terms can’t be used interchangeably. In broad terms, psychopathy is considered a more severe form of sociopathy. All psychopaths are sociopaths, but not all sociopaths are psychopaths. That said, the traits shared by psychopaths and sociopaths are the traits that make both types more likely to cheat: a disregard for social mores and the rights and feelings of others, and a failure to feel remorse or guilt.

The research strongly supports that there is a strong correlation between psychopathy and infidelity. In short, there is a very high likelihood that a psychopath or sociopath will engage with other sex partners outside the marital relationship. Psychopaths tend to have a higher number of lifetime sex partners — in part because they can separate love from sexual activity, and they are more willing to engage in behaviors involved in an unfaithful relationship or lifestyle, like prolonged periods of lying.

Narcissists

Even when terms like “psychopath” and “narcissist” are used to describe people, it’s important to remember that these characteristics exist on a spectrum — with the average person having at least some level of narcissistic traits even without having a narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissism is distinct by grandiosity and conceit. Narcissists believe:

1. They are better-looking, smarter, fitter, and better than their spouses, which leads them to believe they are justified in cheating.
2. They are entitled to use their ‘affair partner’ exclusively for their sexual pleasure. (Sexual narcissism itself is considered by many as one specific type of narcissism.)

Narcissists may be somewhat neurotic, with a deep underlying lack of confidence. Under their confident exterior, they may suffer from excessive worry, guilt, and anxiety.

Meanwhile, the smooth-operating and deceitful sociopath is much more detached. The sociopath may have an avoidant attachment style and have trouble getting close to, trusting, and relying on others. They seek out relationships that are more likely to be distant and less emotionally demanding. They seek comfort from those who are less intimate and committed in their relationships — an extramarital relationship avoids the threat of intimacy in a sexual relationship, which explains the link between their attachment avoidance and infidelity.

Studies show that both the sociopath and the narcissist tend to have more lenient attitudes toward infidelity than the typical Gallup responder. They tend to be more permissive about sex, have a greater desire to have casual sex, and are more willing to engage in sex without emotional commitment. They tend to be dominant in their relationship with their spouses, have a higher propensity for sexual excitation (referring to how often and to what degree one becomes sexually excited), be sensation seekers (referring to both exciting and possibly dangerous situations), and score higher on psychological measures of impulsivity, or the inability to control one’s actions.

The marital relationships of sociopaths and narcissists tend to include poor problem-solving patterns, a lack of coping skills, little consistency, low mutual respect, and poor communication skills. In addition, the satisfaction of time spent together, satisfaction with physical appearance, and social prestige are all lower in marriages containing either sociopaths or narcissists.

Lost and Lonely Hearts

The lost and lonely heart is a much broader category than ‘Sociopaths’ and ‘Narcissists’. In one study of 100,000 subjects, boredom was the reason given for infidelity by 71% of unfaithful men. (With the rise of infidelity in women, this stat will likely increase for women as well.) Additionally, people married to partners who are emotionally unavailable or have difficulty enjoying intimacy may find that their emotional needs can be met in an extra-marital affair.

How Children Are Damaged by Parental Infidelity

So, how does infidelity affect children — both amid infidelity and long-term? “(Infidelity) violates everything they know about their parents as people,” said Don-David Lusterman, a marriage and family clinical psychologist and author. “(Their parents) have told them to be good, tell the truth…and suddenly they discover that their parent is doing something way out of the promises they know that their mom and dad have made to each other.”

According to clinical psychologist and author Ana Nogales, “(A parent) is supposed to be the person a child can trust more than anyone else, “When one parent betrays another, it’s a supreme breach of trust. Most of the children felt that they were betrayed by the parent, too.” Nogales believes children are most dramatically affected by infidelity through the loss of trust — which doesn’t always happen with divorce.

What about when these children grow up and move on? Do they carry the wounds of infidelity with them, and how does this impact their relationships and marriages? Unfortunately, they do. Studies show that children from cheating homes are twice as likely to be unfaithful. In the study, “Family Background and Propensity to Engage in Infidelity,” children of parents who cheated were more likely to cheat as adults, too.

Of children affected by infidelity, Dr. Frank Pittman stated that the children who have grown up the strongest are those who had the chance to ‘’deal with parental infidelity openly, as an error or a character flaw, rather than normal activity or an appropriate solution to a marital problem.”

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.