In recent years, there has been a dramatic move to ‘find happiness’ and to ‘find oneself.’ This movement has hit marriages extremely hard and caused irreparable damage to marriages and families. One of the ways it has hit marriages is in the form of extramarital affairs. In speaking to several friends and acquaintances, their justification is they were not happy and wanted some excitement and ‘free sex.’ One such example:

Will, a bald middle-aged man, was going through a midlife crisis. Married with three children, he was respected at work, in his community, and at church. He made good money and had a loving wife and family. By all intents and purposes, he was a successful man. However, as often is the case, appearances can be deceiving. Will was struggling with his life. Will had been addicted to pornography for 15 years of his marriage and had little involvement in his domestic responsibilities at home. He wasn’t particularly good-looking or able to make friends easily and didn’t connect with his children in a meaningful way. In fact, he wasn’t really engaged with his family. He was going to marriage counseling with his wife, Ann, but believed his marriage was terrible because of her personal issues and had nothing to do with him.

Kate, a middle-aged married woman was also going through her own midlife crisis. She was married to a good husband with good children and had a great life by most standards. She was reasonably attractive but struggled with her aging, and sacrifices for her family, and had become deeply insecure about herself. She was deeply religious but overly reliant upon her extended family. She had turned her insecurities into physical and verbal attacks on her family. She began spiraling out of control and channeled her unhappiness into pursuing distraction after distraction. She played, augmented her body, shopped, etc. to help distract herself from her own shortcomings and failures.

Will and Kate joined a local community sports group that played early in the morning. After some time, they struck up an affair and an adulterous relationship. Their affair was based on losing themselves in fantasy, deceit, and lies. They believed their affair was more exciting than their real lives and families. They created an adulterous life of escape together. They began creating their alternate reality to sustain their pursuit of ‘free sex.’ Soon, they had both fabricated ‘fake’ lives by lying to each other and their spouses.

Will lied to Kate about who he was. He told her he was a great husband and father but that his wife was mentally ill and that he wanted to divorce her because she was abusive to him and his kids. He claimed he only stayed married to her to protect his children from her abuse. He told Kate he was deeply religious and had always been faithful to his wife and family.

Will lied to his wife about where he was and who he was with. He lied to his children and missed their school and church activities in favor of living out his adultery fantasies. He also lied to his extended family to keep up good appearances and his charade.

Kate lied to Will about her life as well. Kate told Will that she was a great wife and mother but wasn’t happy in her marriage because she married too early and didn’t get the opportunity to grow up and fully experience life before getting married. She also told him that she was held back by her husband and family. She claimed that her husband didn’t provide her with what she needed to be successful in life. She convinced Will she was very religious and faithful during her marriage — even though she wasn’t for most of the last half of her marriage.

Kate lied to her husband and children. She told them she was with friends or at sporting events when she was with Will committing adultery. She lied to her extended family and limited her interaction with them so she didn’t feel guilty about being unfaithful in her marriage, violating her marriage vows, and lying to her children.

Lies, Lies, and More Lies

Will and Kate would secretly meet at parking lots, park one of their cars, and drive off to a secret location for sex in the car or at hotels. Life was exciting and filled with fantasy for them. Their adultery was fueled by lies and deceit — masking their betrayal of themselves, each other, and their spouses and children.

Both Will and Kate justified their adultery, betrayal, and deceit for more than a year. They had abandoned their morality and justified it by telling each other that they would build a better life together. Kate, during the process, believed she would be a better mother to Will’s children than their own mother. (Never really considering the reality that Will’s children would hate her and him for what they did to their families.) Will told Kate that she had “saved” him from a bad marriage. They told each other as many lies as they believed the other needed to hear to keep the fantasy and sex going.

Eventually, both Will and Kate were caught and exposed as the frauds they were. Neither of them had been good spouses or parents for some time. Realizing the damage they had done to their families, they continued on with their affair until they were both divorced and had devastated their families and lives. They pushed their souls to the limit for excitement but it soon diminished until they both had to face their new reality. They no longer had the benefit of secrecy and became erratic in their behavior and could no longer pretend that their adultery was worth the price they now had to pay.

From a monetary perspective, both of their divorces cost a few hundred thousand dollars in legal fees and time. Their divorce settlements also split their financial assets and forced the selling of homes, and family possessions, and damaging and disruptive changes in their lives and their children’s lives. Will and Kate went to professional counseling to help them worth through and rectify the tremendous damage they had done to their personal lives, marriages, spouses, children, extended family, and friends. As a result of who they had become, they lost their self-worth, self-esteem, confidence, and personal integrity. Those who were closest to them and trusted them struggled with Will and Kate’s lies, deceit, and betrayal.

Will and Kate’s ‘free sex’ didn’t end up so free in the end. Their fantasies cost them their integrity and destroyed their reputations. (Neither of which you can put a price or value on.) Their children no longer trusted or respected them. Will and Kate erroneously believed that they could have their adultery, divorce, and marry each other and that their lives wouldn’t be damaged or forever scarred as a result. They thought they could simply swap out spouses and their children would move on as if nothing had happened. What they didn’t bother to acknowledge or deal with was the reality that they were broken before they broke their marriage covenants, vows, and the sanctity of their homes. They betrayed their families for free sex and delusional fantasy. They didn’t want to face that their lies and deceit were not free but were actually chains of bondage. Their affair and adultery were not free. In fact, both Will and Kate are still paying for their selfishness, infidelity, deceit, lies, and will for the rest of their lives. More importantly, their children and extended family will have to deal with the shame and impact of what Will and Kate did. Every day will be a sad reminder for all of them that their lives are changed forever.

Extramarital sex isn’t free. It never was or ever will be. In fact, extramarital sex is a debt that takes a lifetime to pay off. Those who venture into extramarital sexual relationships are voluntarily indentured servants of that debt with a lifelong sentence and compound interest.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who have been negatively impacted by adultery, affairs, and infidelity. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or us at CHADIE.org.

Relationships

D