There are many views and opinions on marriage. Some argue that marriage is a religious institution and some a social construct. However, the institution of marriage in the United States is not a religious-driven institution or contract; it is a secular agreement between two people and the state. In other words, no couple, heterosexual or same-sex, can be legally married without a license issued by the state. As an institution, marriage’s primary purpose is companionship, fellowship, and mutual help and comfort. These translate into creating a stable home to live in and raising children to grow, prosper, and feel secure.

If you are to believe recent news reports and studies on marriage you might be wondering what is happening to the institution of marriage. Thoughts like, “Why do people bother getting married today?”, “Is marriage dying?”, or “Who needs marriage anyway?” might be running through your mind. Either way, marriage itself seems to be under extreme attack. Vicious attack even — mostly from within marriage itself.

On the topic of marriage, Dr. Sherrie Campbell said, “Infidelity is on the rise in our culture. Women and men are having affairs in equal numbers, and it is destroying the American concept of marriage.” Today, infidelity remains the number one reason that married and unmarried relationships end — not just in the U.S. but all across the world.

It is estimated that roughly 30% to 60% of all married individuals (in the United States) will engage in infidelity during their marriage. These numbers are probably on the conservative side when you consider it is reported that close to half of all marriages end in divorce. Another estimate concludes that a stunning 70% of married Americans cheat at least once in their marriage. Still, 74 percent of men and 68 percent of women admit they’d cheat if it was guaranteed they would never get caught.

Somewhat surprisingly, statistics show that 56% of men and 34% of women who commit infidelity rate their marriages as happy or very happy. What then does this mean? It means even happy marriages don’t guarantee that a spouse will be faithful. Happily married people sometimes cheat due to a desire for novelty, change, or distraction while others cheat because of insecurity and dissatisfaction with who they are.

So, if married spouses cheat when they are both happy and unhappy, what is lacking in marriage? Can marriage be fixed or saved? Should it be saved? What is a viable alternative solution if marriage is no longer working? What alternatives are there to marriage?

Will Cohabitation Replace Marriage?

If marriage isn’t working then is cohabitation the solution? Cohabitation — before marriage or without plans for marriage — is on the rise in the U.S. and has been for decades now. Since the 1970s, the percentage of men and women who cohabitate before marriage increased by almost nine times. In the 1970s, only a small fraction of the U.S. population cohabitated with romantic partners. Less than half of one percent cohabitated in the 1970s. Today 70 percent of women aged 30 to 34 have cohabited with a male partner, and two-thirds of new marriages are between couples who have already lived together for more than 2.5 years.

There’s little doubt that American culture now views cohabitation differently than it did several decades ago, and not surprisingly cohabitation is on the rise. This increase in cohabitation seems to reflect reduced stigma towards premarital sex, delays in the age of first marriage, high living expenses, and other financial factors.

For many, cohabitation offers some “short-term benefits” in lowering divorce risk during the first six months following the wedding and slightly lower in the subsequent six months. During that initial year of marriage, romantic couples that did not live together first are at higher risk for divorce. This research may infer that cohabitators have less of an abrupt transition after their marriage giving them an initial advantage during the first year of marriage. However, after that first year of marriage, romantic couples who cohabitated before marriage have increased risk relative to those who did not cohabitate prior to marriage.

Despite changing norms and perceptions, premarital cohabitation still appears to be a risk factor for divorce. Regarding premarital cohabitation, Theresa E. DiDonato Ph.D. stated “This doesn’t mean that every romantic couple living together prior to marriage later divorces; nor does it suggest that not living together before marriage guarantees stability. Across all years examined in this study, the odds of divorce were 1.31 times higher for women who cohabitated prior to marriage.”

A recent Pew Research Center study found that the majority of married and cohabiting adults have a fair amount of trust in their spouse or partner to be faithful to them, act in their best interest, tell them the truth and handle money responsibly. However, married adults are more likely than those who are cohabiting to express a great deal of trust in their spouse or partner in each of these areas. The research shows that married couples express trust significantly more than cohabitating romantic couples.

Closing Thoughts

While marriage may not be working as it once did for the majority of married couples in the U.S. cohabitation doesn’t seem to be the best alternative. While cohabitation is common and normative today it still is a significant risk factor for future divorce. The common factor between marriage and cohabitation is — “people” and their “choices”. In both marriage and cohabitation, people make choices about being faithful or not. They make choices to be committed to each other through the good and bad — or not.

The data across marriage and cohabitation research suggests the problem with marriage is the people who are in the marriage and not necessarily the institution itself. The data also suggests that cohabitation isn’t a replacement for marriage or the best way to enter into marriage. Maybe instead of the discussion being whether marriage is working, we should reflect on whether we are working on making marriage work. The failure of marriage negatively impacts spouses, children, families, society, and governments around the world.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who have been negatively impacted by adultery, affairs, and infidelity. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or us at CHADIE.org.