It seems that marriage and monogamous marriage are going out of style these days. Both are no longer hip or hot. A number of vocal “enlightened thinkers” are suggesting those who are interested in having monogamous marriages reconsider how, culturally, we view “fidelity” versus “infidelity”. These enlightened thinkers are calling on married couples and partners to be more realistic about the viability of long-term monogamy. These enlightened ones, as they are so self-anointed, argue that expectations of complete marital and relationship fidelity are terribly outdated and unrealistic. They argue couples couldn’t possibly commit to such rigid and outdated expectations of fidelity and monogamy.

Get with the times! Marriage and monogamy are social constructs! They are the chains that subjugate our free spirits and hearts from reaching their full potential. So goes this enlightenment thinking.

Esther Perel, a psychotherapist, speaker, and author said in her book, The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, “Infidelity has a tenacity that marriage can only envy. So much so that it is the only sin that gets two commandments in the Bible, one for doing it and one just for thinking about it.”

In “The State of Affairs,” Perel drills down into the subject of cheating, asking questions ranging from, “Why did it happen?”, “How can we recover?” and “What if an affair is good for a marriage?” She argues that our obsession with transparency, total disclosure, and suffocating intimacy constrains desire, arguing that, “fire needs air.” Furthermore, she goes on to explain our expectations are unrealistic, “Lovers today seek to bring under one roof desires that have forever had separate dwellings,” she writes.

In a paper titled “After the Storm: The Affair in Retrospect”, Perel proposed new possibilities, post-infidelity: “Most of us in the West today will have two or three marriages or committed relationships in our lifetime. For those daring enough to try, they may find themselves having all of them with the same person. An affair may spell the end of a first marriage, as well as the beginning of a new one.”

So, are we at a tipping point with marriage, monogamy, and infidelity? Is the best we can realistically expect from the institute of marriage a mere possibility for marital fidelity? Are marriage vows actually clauses for open opportunities and possibilities outside of marriage? If expectations of marital commitment and fidelity are no longer reasonable, what is it that the human race aspires to with relationships and family?

Let’s revisit some of Perel’s points and see what they might mean and where they might lead us. (We’ll set aside her Bible reference and leave that discussion for another time.) Perel states:

“Lovers today seek to bring under one roof desires that have forever had separate dwellings.”

Are we to believe that humans cannot regulate or control their sexual desires? Are we to succumb to basic sexual desires over commitment and fidelity? Couples in love and acting as “lovers” seek marriage to consummate their commitment to each other. Marriage is an outward expression of an inward commitment. Committed couples knowingly “bring under one roof desires” for each other and are witnesses that those (sexual) desires are not intended to forever have separate dwellings.

In essence, this statement suggests that our primal nature overrides our higher senses, values, and virtues. With this line of thinking, when a woman commits to marriage and having children she really shouldn’t expect her spouse to commit to her, their children, or their futures. She should essentially have a “backup plan” for the likelihood of her spouse’s infidelity and potential divorce. If she puts her career on hold to raise her family, she should understand that it is at her own risk because marital and parental fidelity is optional and unrealistic to expect from a spouse. She might even need to consider educating her children that their parents are not committed to their marriage or children and that divorce is more likely than not.

Such statements and thinking lead our society down a path filled with bad choices and outcomes.

Perel also states:

“Most of us in the West today will have two or three marriages or committed relationships in our lifetime. For those daring enough to try, they may find themselves having all of them with the same person. An affair may spell the end of a first marriage, as well as the beginning of a new one.”

Statistically speaking, Perel isn’t too far off. It is estimated that roughly 30% to 60% of all married individuals (in the United States) will engage in infidelity during their marriage. While studies vary, one study suggests that 69 percent of marriages break up when infidelity or an affair is discovered.

The decision to be unfaithful in marriage and cheat is rarely, if ever, a rational choice; instead, infidelity is usually driven by circumstances and one’s emotions. Most people are surprised by their behavior at the start of their affair.

Infidelity is a coping mechanism, like gambling, drinking, or other similar vices. In happy relationships, spouses might cheat not because they are dissatisfied with their spouse, but because they are dissatisfied with themselves. When people are happy in their relationship, it’s less likely that the spouse practicing infidelity has fallen out of love with their spouse. Rather they’re in love with the free, risk-taking, adventurous person they become when they’re having their affair.

For cheaters who are considering leaving their marriage for their affair partner, they must understand that issues of trust will most likely become front and center down the road. Many people who leave their marriages for their affair partners have made life-changing sacrifices — both personally and regarding their family. Their sacrifice includes enduring public and personal shame, resentment, and uncertainty. Many of these sacrifices are unwittingly self-inflicted to their detriment. Issues of trust and integrity are a common theme with now-married former affair partners. (This is the natural byproduct of relationships borne out of lies, deceit, betrayal, and infidelity.) Affairs burn hot because they require secrecy, deceit, lies, and betrayal. They require a sacrifice of one’s integrity. Affairs survive more on what each partner withdraws from the relationship rather than what they deposit or invest.

The probability of an affair ending in marriage is extremely low — between three and five percent. Most of those marriages that begin as affairs end in divorce. Research suggests 75 percent of second marriages that fail, a rate half again as high as first marriages. While fewer than 25 percent of adulterers (i.e. cheaters) leave a marriage for an affair partner, most of those relationships are statistically unlikely to endure. This research suggests that only 1% achieve stability and happiness.

What is so easily forgotten is oftentimes the most important — children. What does marital or parental infidelity mean to children?

Long-Term Effects of Parental Infidelity on Children

When a parent is unfaithful, it can make children wonder what’s real — and what’s not. “When a parent is unfaithful, it can cause a child to question the stability they felt at home,” Dr. Cassandra LeClair, Ph.D., a relationship expert and author of “Being Whole: Healing from Trauma and Reclaiming My Voice” stated.

When affairs occur, children may feel unsure about who to trust, and more importantly, who to show their love towards. “They may feel a sense of betrayal and confusion about loyalty,” says Dr. LeClair. “If they have been taught to be honest and care about others’ feelings, they may question why their role models did not have to follow the same rules.” So when parents think, ‘My infidelity or adultery doesn’t involve my children. It has nothing to do with my children,’ they’re lying to themselves.

The long-term effects of parental infidelity can run much deeper than future relationship behavior (i.e., cheating or not cheating). According to clinical psychologist Ana Nogales, author of Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults Are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful, growing up in a family with infidelity has a lasting impact on children in terms of how they view their romantic relationships and their ability to trust future partners.

Nogales’ research found that 75% of children experience lingering feelings of betrayal toward their cheating parent, 80% say that infidelity shapes their outlook on romance and relationships, and 70% describe infidelity as affecting their general trust in others. The research, and common sense for that matter, clearly show how infidelity and affairs are immeasurably damaging to families and children.

Studies show that children from cheating homes are twice as likely to be unfaithful. In the study, “Family Background and Propensity to Engage in Infidelity,” children of parents who cheated were more likely to cheat as adults, too.

Of children affected by infidelity, Dr. Frank Pittman stated that the children who have grown up the strongest are those who had the chance to “deal with parental infidelity openly, as an error or a character flaw, rather than normal activity or an appropriate solution to a marital problem.”

Key Considerations

The enlightenment that we are undergoing as a society is not all good or all bad. There are, however, some bad suggestions coming from this movement. Marriage may not be for everyone but that doesn’t mean it isn’t for anyone either. Marital fidelity is a reasonable expectation for a spouse and children. In fact, fidelity is what marriage was built on. We need no longer accept that our “sexual desires” have more validity and value to ourselves and society than our marital commitments. We are not defined by our “sexual desires” nor should we allow them to override the marital commitment to our spouse or children.

Despite our love affair with infidelity, nearly half of Americans think the country’s moral values are bad, and almost three-quarters believe conditions are only getting worse, according to a Gallup study. While the percentage is declining, 90% of Americans still believe infidelity is wrong. We just seem to have a disconnect between what we believe and what we commit to.

Infidelity, affairs, and adultery only offer short-term distractions from life but leave a lifetime of pain. The long-term impact of infidelity, affairs, and adultery on self, spouse (partner), children, family, and friends not only lasts a lifetime but leaves a legacy of shame, hurt, insecurity, and sorrow. This impact ripples for generations through children, families, and societies with immeasurable damage and carnage.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation, (Children Hurt from Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma) helps spouses, partners, and children who have been negatively impacted by adultery, affairs, and infidelity. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please visit CHADIE.org.