It can be incredibly frustrating and unsettling to discover that your spouse (or partner) is cheating on you. It will likely turn your whole world upside down. (If you have children, be prepared for a much more complicated ‘upside down’ experience for them as well.) You thought your spouse was a good and committed person but you are blindsided when you learn they aren’t. They have been lying to you, deceiving you, and betraying you. They have betrayed you their spouse and committed friend and advocate.

They have committed the ultimate betrayal as your best friend. Be prepared for the chaos that will follow — both inward and outward. You will begin to question everything including whether your relationship, life, and family aren’t what you thought they were. Maybe nothing is what you thought it was. Discovering a spouse’s infidelity may be the most upsetting, disrupting, and damaging event you can go through.

Amid the upheaval, it can be tempting to look for something solid to hold onto. You may want to get even with your spouse and show them how it feels to be betrayed while a part of you may want to hold them close telling them you forgive them and never let go. You may be furious at them for their betrayal — and at yourself for being deceived and fooled. You feel self-righteous but also ashamed, hurt, used, and betrayed.

With all of this uncertainty and contradiction, you may feel unsure of what to do. This is where simple and direct advice can feel reassuring, whether it’s “once a cheater, always a cheater” or “stand by your spouse.” In such circumstances, it’s easy for others to give simple advice when they don’t have to face the emotional complexity that you must face.

1. Decide Slowly and Thoughtfully

When you are both faithful in a relationship, it’s easy to say to each other that if one of you ever cheated you both can just say it’s over and divorce but it isn’t always as simple as that. You both have intertwined your lives and have a past with each other. The decision to walk away is now much more complicated. (Again, if you have children the decision is even more complicated — as it should be since children are the primary victims you should be caring for.)

So, if you find yourself in the unenviable position of needing to make a decision, don’t make this life-changing decision too quickly. (Kate Cohen-Posey, a mental health counselor, says that “80% of those who part due to infidelity regret their divorce — both the betrayer and the betrayed.”)

This could be the decision to leave, but also the decision to stay. Take your time and think it through. Let a cooler mind prevail.

2. How to Assess if Your Marriage is Worth Saving

1. Abuse — Is there abuse or hurtful behavior? If your spouse is physically or emotionally abusing you, then staying in the marriage is probably not a good idea for you or your children. You deserve a loving relationship with a person who treats you with respect. This is one situation in which leaving a marriage is likely the best option, as long as you can do so safely. You should not regret divorcing someone who does not want to have a loving relationship with you.
2. Children — Do you have children together or combined as a marriage? If so, how will leaving or staying in the marriage impact them? You should consider their ages, relationships with your spouse, their current mental health, etc. The well-being of your children should be a primary factor in your decision-making process.
3. Second Chance Worthy — Should you give your marriage another chance? Think about the problems in your marriage. Can they be fixed? Is there anything that can bring you and your spouse closer together or is your marriage too far gone? Are you willing and able to give them a second chance knowing that they could cheat again and that you might feel like you have to look over your shoulder all the time?
4. Work and Energy — Keeping a marriage together takes a lot of work. Do you have the energy to keep trying? Is it worth it? Are they worth it?
5. Marriage Partners or Not — Do you both want to work things out? Are you committed to working it out? For a marriage to work, both partners need to put in the effort. It will not work if one person is doing everything. If your spouse says they want to keep trying, you need to determine if they are going to keep their promise. (Remember, they cheated on you but that doesn’t mean the marriage can’t be fixed but it also doesn’t mean it can either. Their cheating usually means they have given up working the marriage out.)
6. Ownership of Bad Marriage — No one is blameless in a marriage — good or bad marriages. No matter how great of a spouse you have been, you are not without some blame. (Note, some blame is normal but it doesn’t mean your spouse was justified in cheating on you and your children.) What is your contribution to your marital issues? While you might feel as though your spouse is the one causing all the marital strife, you need to take a good long look at yourself. What can you do to change things? How can you improve the state of your marriage? How can you better communicate without arguing? What can you do to help your spouse be happier? Instead of blaming your spouse for everything, think about how you could improve. (Remember, you have ownership in the good and bad of your marriage but you can’t save your spouse from their choices and decisions. You can only control your decisions.)
7. Professional Counseling — Are you both willing and able to commit to professional marriage and individual counseling? Counseling can be very helpful in identifying blind spots in a couple’s behavior.

3. Is Reconciliation Not Possible or Reasonable?

After taking time and considering the above assessment areas, you may conclude that divorce is the best outcome for your family. It isn’t easy but you need to be resolved in your decision. You can’t save your spouse from their actions but you can protect yourself and your children!

4. Lawyer Up!

Even if your spouse says they want the divorce to be equitable and fair, you need a good divorce lawyer to ensure that you get proper representation. Divorce can get ugly quickly and you can’t afford to not have strong legal representation for yourself and your children. It’s at this time when you may see your spouse change their tune or mind about the divorce or even want the divorce to be equitable. (Your cheating spouse may also be surprised at the damage they have done and the potential emotional and financial costs it will bring.)

5. Understand the Law and Protect Yourself

You need to understand divorce law — not as an attorney but as a betrayed spouse. Your spouse may try to entrap you or manipulate things to their benefit. What are the divorce laws in your state, region, or area? Should you move out of your home or residence? You are obligated to yourself and your children to protect yourself and them from manipulation by understanding the law. Consult your attorney on divorce issues, risks, and concerns. They aren’t just representation for the divorce but your protection during the process.

6. Document Everything

Document everything. Everything. Keep a journal, recordings, and videos. Most everything is a potential risk in a marriage gone bad. You can assume the best of your cheating spouse but their cheating and infidelity should be a constant red flag about their lack of trustworthiness and integrity. You can’t refute a liar without evidence and documentation so document everything!

7. Watch Your Words and Actions

With trust gone, words and actions are subject to scrutiny by the law. Do not let anger or hurt from betrayal lead you into saying something you may regret later. Defend and protect yourself wisely but do so by keeping in mind what you say and do may be used in your divorce. If you are ever in situations where it could come down to your word against your cheating spouse’s words, be sure to document or record what you can.

8. Explain to Your Children What Decisions Have Been Made and Why

This is a delicate topic but if your children are old enough to understand what a divorce is, you owe it to them to explain why you are getting divorced. They may not need to know all of the details or justification for the divorce but they do not also need to be left in the dark. Your children deserve to be informed but not burdened by the divorce.

9. Your Children’s Involvement Should be Limited

If you can, keep your children out of the divorce proceedings. They have enough to deal with as innocent children. Do not try to align or alienate them from your spouse. Your spouse may try to but it will eventually hurt them more than help them. Your children are innocent and should be protected from being involved in the divorce.

10. Speak With a Professional Counselor

There will undoubtedly be a lot to unpack and deal with in the aftermath of your spouse’s cheating and infidelity. Seek professional help to deal with the aftermath of your cheating spouse’s infidelity and the resulting divorce. You and your children should seek professional help and counseling as you grapple with the chaos your cheating spouse has unleashed upon you and your children. There is no shame in getting help from a professional counselor or life coach — in fact, doing so may be one of the best decisions you make during the divorce.

11. Secure a Private Investigator

While you may have already been able to gather evidence of your spouse’s infidelity, you should consider if you need a private investigator to help gather additional evidence of adultery and neglect of children. Remember, your cheating spouse is no longer your best friend and is not to be trusted without certain precautions being in place, like having an attorney, documenting everything, and hiring a private investigator. Private investigators can provide additional evidence-gathering expertise and services that you are not legally able to do yourself even if you are still married to your spouse. They can provide surveillance and document what your spouse is doing, with whom, and when. You should consult your attorney and potentially secure your private investigator through them to help protect the evidence they gather.

12. Ensure You Are Healthy

Take care of yourself and your children. Get plenty of sleep. There will be plenty of sleepless nights of going over your spouse’s betrayal and cheating but do everything you can to get sufficient sleep. Exercise regularly. Get out and interact with others. Take time off from work as needed. Don’t focus too much on the divorce. Get a physical exam to ensure you haven’t contracted any STDs or STIs from your cheating spouse. Your physical and mental health is imperative.

Try to have fun when and where you can. Just because you are getting divorced doesn’t mean you need to divorce from your life.

Summary Thoughts

Educate yourself about the divorce process and who you are dealing with now that you know your spouse is a liar and cheater. Divorce can be ugly. Divorce can also be prolonged and complicated. Be prepared for the potential battle of your life and your children’s lives. Divorce isn’t about getting even it is about getting out while protecting yourself and your children. The divorce will pass and you need to be strong mentally, physically, and spiritually to move on to a better life.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.