To be human is to err. Alexander Pope, an English poet of the Enlightenment, lent a famous line from his treatise, “An Essay on Criticism to the US Institutes of Medicine’s report on patient safety: To Err is Human.” The origin of the proverbial expression, “to err is human, to forgive is divine.” Alexander Pope gets the credit for coining the proverb in his poem “An Essay on Criticism, Part II,” published in 1711.

However, there is an increasing trend amongst the human race that is concerning. The trend? Transference and blame. Or, as some are coining the term: blame-shifting. We are prone to projecting our own feelings, beliefs, and experiences onto the other person. For example, if we feel disconnected from someone, feelings of abandonment, rejection, hurt, anger, or loss can arise. When this happens, we can look at the actions or behaviors of others and want to blame them for these feelings. The fault for the emergence of these feelings lies with the other person, and this is victimization. “You make me feel this way!” is the result of this dynamic and mental state.

Transference is a psychological phenomenon where an individual redirects emotions and feelings, often unconsciously, from one person to another. Often, the patterns of transference are representative of a negative relationship from childhood.

As long as people persist in believing that their major problems are a result of something outside their control — the actions of other people, short tempers, bad nerves, social class injustices, genes — then they are damned in their personal progress and development. However, if we hope for more significant behavioral change, we must assume responsibility. This means that we need to understand how we contribute to our own problems and challenges.

Readiness and willingness to accept responsibility vary greatly from person to person. Some of us may immediately recognize our role in our mistakes and shortcomings while others find taking responsibility too difficult to accept. Blame-shifters are abusers and seek targets for their abuse.

Blame-shifting also exploits whatever disparity in power exists in the relationship. But, it has certain subtleties that gaslighting does not. Blame-shifting behavior is about power and the unfortunate truth is that the victim tends to be the one who loves, needs, and depends on the abuser in ways that are significantly different from the motivations of the person blame-shifting. In close relationships, specifically marriage or romantic ones, blame-shifting may be a mastered art.

The Art of Blame-Shifting

This particular form of ‘art’ comes in the form of ‘manipulation.’ For blame-shifting to work, it depends on the abuser knowing your weaknesses and tendencies well; among these might be your avoidance of conflict or your willingness to play the peacemaker; your tendency to backpedal on your positions; your own insecurities and doubts about yourself; and your tendency to question the rationale of your thoughts and feelings. Many of those caught in this negative behavior grew up in homes where their emotional needs weren’t met, and they were unloved, unsupported, or mistreated in their families.

Unfortunately, I speak from direct experience here. I noticed late in my marriage that my wife had mastered the art of blame-shifting. (To be clear, I was not a perfect husband or without some fault. The difference was, I didn’t blame others for my mistakes and deficiencies.) Over several years, the blame-shifting increased to the point that everything was my fault and I was her scapegoat. She wasn’t happy or fulfilled in life because of me — her happiness had nothing to do with her — just me. She controlled me by blame-shifting and I had fallen for it for years because I still loved her and wanted our marriage to work.

As is common among blame-shifters, she justified everything she did including justifying her emotional and sexual affairs. In the end, she told me, “You didn’t save me.” and “You didn’t fight for me.” Such statements are standard blame-transference techniques of abusers.

Why Controllers Blame-Shift

Controllers use blame-shifting because it helps them avoid responsibility for their words and actions. Blame-shifting reinforces the perception of the “controller” that they are stronger and superior, despite the guilt and shame they may have about their blame-shifting. Since your goal is to have things work out between you, you don’t even see you’ve been manipulated and abused.

Through research, investigation, and interviews for my book, I have come to realize that blame-shifting is often motivated by the need to reduce the intended target or victim to self-blame. The controller tries to strip the target of a sense of agency. This takes form when the intended target is under attack, the target then resorts to old default positions such as apologizing to or trying to placate the abuser. Inevitably, the target reverts to another learned behavior which is self-blame. That is, of course, what the controller wants and what feeds their empty soul.

Take Control Back from Abusers and Stop Self-Blame

Blame-shifting is an emotionally abusive behavior or tactic used by manipulators and abusers. An abuser has a deep capacity for self-deception. The abuser projects the blame for their relationship difficulties onto their partner. The abuser projects blame like:

1. If you would stop doing what you are doing then I could be happy.
2. I wouldn’t get angry if you would stop nagging me so much.
3. I wouldn’t lie to you if you didn’t get upset at me.

An emotional abuser sets up a dynamic where the victim comes to believe that they are to blame and that they must work harder to fix the problems (such as improving the relationship.) This rarely works because the problem is not the victim; the abusive behavior is the problem.

In all relationships, we err. We make mistakes. We offend with or without intent. We are imperfect humans. As such, we miss the mark. As Alexander Pope said so eloquently, “to err is human, to forgive divine.” Blame-shifters will try to exploit your understanding of your own acceptance of this while they deny their own flaws and mistakes. Nothing you do will change that.

No matter how nice, patient, understanding, and accommodating you are, nothing that you do will change an emotionally abusive person’s behavior. Nothing. Accept it and move on — in time will be able to forgive them for their abuse and manipulation.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.