Well, are you bored of life, marriage, your spouse, and children? Are you looking for some excitement? Looking for some fun in the form of adultery? You’re bored, deserve more sex, need someone who understands you, and need to be free!

Well, before you go after that age-old pursuit of adultery, let’s see how exciting and fulfilling adultery is before you jump into it.

What Does the Research Show About Adultery

Studies and research vary of course but some research projects that 30 to 60% of all married individuals in the U.S. will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage. This translates into nearly 80% of all American marriages being impacted by cheating at some point.

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), infidelity in the United States accounted for 20–40 percent of divorces. Due to the secretive nature of infidelity, it is impossible to find the exact figures about cheating, extra-marital affairs, or their divorce relationship. In most cases, infidelity never gets discovered so the percentage is probably much higher.

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater

Being cheated on is not only an awful feeling — it can destroy lives and relationships. Cheating and its consequences are one of the most devastating moments in a relationship. Cheating hurts but what about serial cheating?

We’ve all heard it said, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” but is it true? According to a study from the University of Denver, research suggests there is solid evidence that it is.

For the study from the University of Denver, which was published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers had 484 people (68 percent of whom were women) answer questions about at least two different romantic relationships. Of the participants, 44 percent reported having sex with someone outside of their current relationship during their study.

People who had cheated before were much more prone to unfaithfulness. A lot more. Those who cheated in their first relationship were three times more likely to cheat again. So it may not be that people are learning from their mistakes, instead, they may just be getting used to their bad behavior. If you do it once and come to terms with it as something you do, then it may just not seem so bad the next time that you do it.

Interestingly enough, the study finding is also backed up by past research. A 2016 study found that among people who had cheated in former relationships, 30 percent cheated on their current partners. That’s compared to only 13 percent of those who had never been unfaithful at all.

Cheater’s Remorse and Guilt

What about the cheater’s remorse or guilt? Most, not all, cheaters feel guilty for going behind their spouse or partner’s back. In addition, they feel like they aren’t true to their own set of morals, even if their partner never finds out. They may feel like they can’t stop themselves, but they’re still tortured by what they’re doing. Conscience can serve as an important brake on infidelity and be an important driver of learning from it. (By contrast, cheaters with more sociopathic traits won’t feel much guilt for their actions which means they are more likely to take advantage of the next opportunity that presents itself.)

Many believe that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. (Note, the key word here is “predictor” which isn’t the same as a determinant.) Someone with a long history of infidelity, across multiple relationships, is more likely to repeat that past behavior. Either way, science strongly suggests the odds of being cheated on by a cheater are very high.

These predictors are just one of many reasons why marriages that start as affairs fail. Statistically speaking, marriages that start as affairs are only successful about 1% of the time.

What Chance is there of My Adultery Leading to a Happy Life or Marriage with My Affair Partner?

According to Dr. Frank Pittman, author of Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy and Elizabeth Landers, a second marriage that begins with infidelity will likely fail within two years. A second marriage that begins with infidelity probably will be heading to divorce within two years, according to Elizabeth Landers, who writes about marriage and family. Of course, there are no guarantees second marriages that begin as affairs will fail but the available research and data strongly support such outcomes.

Most experts point to several reasons why affairs fail or end. The most common reasons include:

1. Taboo and secret — affairs consume energy because they must be kept secret. They survive more on what each partner gets than what each invests in the relationship.
2. Sacrifice exceeded benefit — because of the dynamics of a forbidden relationship, one or both partners come to realize he or she lost much more than he or she now shares. “As relates to sacrifice, often one will discover (or feel) that his or her sacrifice was much greater than what the other person had to sacrifice, and this can lead to resentment and disillusionment.” Paradoxically, sacrifice sometimes feeds the relationship until there is nothing left to feed the relationship.
3. Betrayal and lies — the most obvious principles are that their marriage begins on a foundation of betrayal and lies, as is an affair, and cannot easily become one of trust and loyalty, as is marriage.

Dr. Pittman’s nine defects in the dynamics of affairs that become marriages chart the trajectory of love as it arcs from a forbidden romance to an established marriage to a marital breakup. These nine defects include:

1. Stimulating unreality — While still married to others, the affair partners become immersed in “stimulating unreality,” but the second marriage illuminates reality. “Only after their marriage did the divorce become real enough to see that it was a horrible mistake. They were so caught up in the infatuation that they never got around to figuring out if what they were doing was sane.”
2. Overwhelmed with guilt — The cheaters who wrecked a family (or two) and inflicted tremendous pain on innocent people may feel little to no guilt during the affair but become overwhelmed with guilt after they marry.
3. Disparity in their sacrifice — Divorces drain both financially and emotionally. After affair partners marry, the new couple may feel a disparity in what had to be sacrificed to bring them together.
4. Expectation misalignment — Unfaithful couples who marry may believe that the life after the marriage will be as good as life during the affair, and that “[t]he greater the sacrifices, the greater the expectations for the new marriage.” In short, “[t]he more people enjoy the battles involved in wrecking and escaping marriages, the less they are likely to enjoy the business as usual of the new marriage.”
5. Foundation of Distrust — The unfaithful affair partners, develop a distrust of marriage and of the affair partner who is now a spouse. A marriage that begins on an untruth cannot have a trusting foundation.
6. Betrayers Insulate Themselves — During the affair and the divorce, the unfaithful couple isolates and insulates themselves, and they retreat to a private little world “protected from the devastation that they have created, safe from anyone who tries to pull them apart.” In this regime, memories or even mention of the betrayed spouse can be difficult. Later, the now married couple may long to reconnect with these people; however, “[e]veryone involved is hurt by the betrayal and not as forgiving as they have expected. They often find that they only have each other and that can be very lonely.”
7. Failure to Nurture Relationship — When the romance fades, as it does in most marriages, romantics do not understand that this is part of the growth of the marriage, and they do not know how to nurture “a deeper more meaningful relationship”; rather, “they believe that they have just fallen out of love.”
8. Betrayal of Fantasies — During the affair and the divorce, the affair couple convinces each other that the defective marriage is the fault of the betrayed spouse. To acknowledge otherwise, now that the remarriage has taken place, seems a betrayal of “the rescue fantasies that fed the affair in the first place.”
9. Jealousy and Insecurity — The absence of a shared history that nurtures a comforting familiarity with relationships that begin earlier in life makes talking about the past difficult. An affair that wrecked the first marriage makes it painful and embarrassing for both spouses to discuss the past because it may promote jealousy and insecurity. Affair partners who marry do not want to hear about the good qualities of the previous marriage and spouses, nor about any good times the former partners had. Trying to start over can be lonely and disheartening.

While fewer than 25 percent of adulterers (i.e. cheaters) leave a marriage for an affair partner, according to one source, most of those relationships are statistically extremely unlikely to endure. This research suggests that only 1% achieve stability and happiness.

Adultery and Its Impact on Children

More often than not, infidelity causes children to question everything that they thought was real or true about their family. This can bring on depression and anxiety. “Infidelity can have a detrimental psychological effect on kids and lead to a dysfunctional family, which can then disrupt their life and hamper their potential,” Tatyana Dyachenko, a sexual and relationship therapist stated.

Experts say children who learn about parental infidelity react similarly to children whose parents divorce, except the emotional responses to cheating are more profound and can have greater, longer-lasting impacts.

“(Infidelity) violates everything they know about their parents as people,” said Don-David Lusterman, a marriage and family clinical psychologist and author. “(Their parents) have told them to be good, tell the truth…and suddenly they discover that their parent is doing something way out of the promises they know that their mom and dad have made to each other.”

So, why do so many married people pursue happiness through infidelity and affairs? It’s quite simple. They are blinded by their selfish pursuits of self-gratification and the belief that they are an unfortunate victim seeking happiness. The irony is, in their pursuit of happiness they burn down the foundations of trust and fidelity which leads to pain and suffering for their families, kids, and eventually themselves.

The long-term effects of parental infidelity can run much deeper than future relationship behavior (i.e., cheating or not cheating). According to clinical psychologist Ana Nogales, author of Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults Are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful, growing up in a family with infidelity has a lasting impact on children in terms of how they view their romantic relationships and their ability to trust future partners.

Nogales’ research found that 75% of children experience lingering feelings of betrayal toward their cheating parent, 80% say that infidelity shapes their outlook on romance and relationships, and 70% describe infidelity as affecting their general trust in others.

The good news is children only have to pay the price of such bad decisions for the rest of their lives. The future of our children is at great risk due to the neglect of bad parents and the consequences of their selfish and destructive decisions.

Have You Decided on Adultery or Not?

While conclusive research and studies still seem sparse on the correlation between adultery and its overall impact on existing marriages, divorce, and affairs that lead to marriage, the available research suggests mostly heartache will follow parental infidelity.

Additionally, the probability of an affair ending in marriage is very, very low. (In contrast, the likelihood of infidelity leading to divorce and unhappiness is quite high.) How likely will an affair end in marriage? Only between three and five percent end in marriage and many join the 75 percent of second marriages that fail, a rate half again as high as first marriages. While fewer than 25 percent of adulterers (i.e. cheaters) leave a marriage for an affair partner, according to one source, most of those relationships are statistically unlikely to endure. This research suggests that only 1% achieve stability and happiness. This is a grim statistic, to say the least, especially when many negatively impact children and close family members. No matter which stats are used, the statistics for adulterers hoping their affairs will last forever aren’t good. Essentially, about 1–3% of affairs will end up intact and happily married.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.