Mother’s Day can be such a special time for mothers, their spouses, and their children. It’s a time to honor mothers, wives, and daughters (who may be mothers one day.) Being a good mother is possibly one of the world’s most admirable but difficult and demanding jobs. It’s more than a tough job, it’s also a blessing to be a mother — especially when so many women want to be one but may not be able to for one reason or another.

“All that I am or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.” These weren’t casual, meaningless words for Abraham Lincoln. Mothers are the foundation of good families and strong nations. “Mothers play a critical role in the family, which is a powerful force for social cohesion and integration. The mother-child relationship is vital for the healthy development of children. And mothers are not only caregivers; they are also breadwinners for their families.”

Mothers are a powerful influence on good and society. Studies consistently show that having a mother who is present, nurturing, concerned, and involved does a world of good in a young child’s life.

So, what should a spouse and child do when they find a Mother’s Day card to their wife and mother from her adultery partner? A close friend of mine shared such a traumatic story of an adulterous Mother’s Day card with me. (I later had the opportunity to interview the wife who was having the extramarital affair to learn more from her about the Mother’s Day card from her adultery partner.) In reading the secret and adulterous Mother’s Day card, it became clear that neither Kate nor her adulterous lover, Tate, understood the meaning of Mother’s Day. They both didn’t understand the importance of being an honorable mother (or father in his case) and how to properly observe the special occasion of Mother’s Day.

Tate acknowledged in the Mother’s Day card he gave to Kate that giving Kate the card, in his words, wasn’t “typical” (more accurately it was actually immoral and totally inappropriate.) He didn’t elaborate why but as a married man having an adulterous relationship with another man’s wife who was also the mother of several children, he probably didn’t want to include the specific reason in the card. However, based on other documented elements of Tate’s life, sexual and porn addiction, neglect of his family, and his midlife crisis, it was clear that his investment in their affair was primarily based on their sexual relationship. The Mother’s Day card illustrated just how delusional and selfish Tate and Kate truly were.

A Shameful, Embarrassing, and Dishonoring Mother’s Day Card

To really understand the severity of their dishonor, one only needs to take a moment and read the card. Let’s break down Tate’s Mother’s Day card to Kate to see the irony of what he writes in his card to her:

1. Tate acknowledges what they have been doing in their secretive relationship and adultery is unworthy of a Mother’s Day card.
2. He references that Kate is a great mother. (How he could possibly know something like that isn’t clear. His relationship with her was based on secret rendezvous, infidelity, extramarital sex, lies, cheating on their spouses, and neglect of their children. He conveniently disregarded her marital infidelity to her husband and dishonored her children by violating her vows and commitments to them as both spouse and mother. Additionally, both Tate and Kate‘s marital infidelity introduced the “secretive risk” of transmitting STDs and STIs to each other and their spouses. None of this supports a claim that Kate is a great mother — in fact, it illustrates his ignorance and her total disregard for motherhood, dishonoring herself, and her family.)
3. Tate goes on to also say Kate was too young to marry and never got a chance to “discover” herself before marriage. (In reality, Kate married by design and chased her spouse for marriage. She wasn’t a victim. However, over time, she became unbalanced and started to go through her personal, religious, and midlife crises which had nothing to do with her age and everything to do with her mental instability and lapse of fidelity. She was in her mid-forties when she decided to commit adultery so age and experience had nothing to do with how she ended up where she did.) Because Kate couldn’t rectify her betrayal and immoral actions toward her spouse and children, she lied to Tate and herself. Her excuse? She married young and didn’t know herself. What she was essentially saying is she was a ‘victim’ of who she was more than 20 years earlier and that her children were a ‘mistake’. (Learning that this was how she viewed her children caused them serious trauma.)
4. Tate not only lists Kate’s children in the wrong order but he also misspells their names. (Tate’s card to Kate illustrated his shallow understanding of Kate, her life, and her children.)
5. Tate also implies that her children were raised by her alone. He doesn’t acknowledge or recognize her husband’s active role in the upbringing of their children. (Tate’s knowledge of Kate’s marriage, children, and mothering was solely based on what Kate told him. In essence, he relied on his unfaithful, dishonorable, adulterous lover to tell him who she was as a wife and mother.)
6. Tate references in the card that his mother was a great example to him. (Whether his mother would be approving of his adultery and infidelity isn’t clear as he doesn’t elaborate on what she would think of her son’s marital infidelity and betrayal of his wife and children. Either way, if his mother had been an adulteress, and she might have been given his behavior, would he have felt the same way about her being a good example to him as he did Kate?)
7. Tate also writes about how the world is blessed because Kate is a mother. (This is somehow to be separated from her infidelity, lies, and deceit to her spouse and children. He celebrates her motherhood while at the same time dishonoring Kate, her spouse, and her children through infidelity and adultery. If Tate honored Kate he wouldn’t have been having an illicit sexual affair with her and destroying her and her family’s reputation along the way. His hypocrisy is evident by the fact that he initially set boundaries in their affair — acknowledging that if they ‘crossed the line’ of those boundaries that their affair relationship wouldn’t last. They crossed those boundaries and more.)
8. Tate says nothing about how his adulterous affair with Kate would eventually ruin her reputation, name, and mental state for years to come. (In fact, it ruined their reputations amongst their children, family, friends, community, and affiliations. Their adultery tore two families apart and based on studies, would cause their children a lifetime of pain, fear, anxiety, and distrust. Both Kate and Tate had to go to professional counseling as a result.)
9. Tate neglects to mention his wife or if he also gave her a Mother’s Day card like the one he gave Kate. (He doesn’t mention how he celebrated his wife’s special “Mother’s Day” with her and their children. He also doesn’t mention their affair or anything about how he dishonored his wife and children. Not surprisingly, he doesn’t mention anything about his wife and how he was secretly exposing her to potential transmission of STDs and STIs and his violation of her rights to protect herself from his infidelity.)
10. Tate signs the card humorously that it will “delete” in 10 seconds. Unfortunately for Tate, the “Mission: Impossible” phrase he attempts to steal in his adulterous Mother’s Day card should actually read, “This message will self-destruct in 5 seconds.” (Tate attempts, quite poorly, humor in a dishonorable Mother’s Day card to Kate which ends up as another epic fail by Tate.)

Shortly after giving Kate this Mother’s Day card, Tate broke off their adulterous affair for the summer. He told her they needed the summer to see if their adulterous relationship was real. He also told her he needed to be with his family for the summer. (Here’s where Tate shows just how great a husband and father he is to “temporarily put off his affair” for the summer to spend more time with his wife and children! Yes, it is unfortunate that Tate didn’t get recognized for any ‘Father of the Year’ award for such chivalry and honor.)

A few days later, Tate’s wife discovered his affair with Kate. Over the next several weeks they continued their affair while their spouses dealt with the shock and damage to their families, filed for divorce, hired attorneys and private investigators, etc. Finally, Tate recognized the trauma his midlife crisis and selfishness caused his family. His children were in counseling and struggling with his infidelity and their distrust of him. Tate broke off his affair with Kate. (He would do so two more times in a three-week period.) Kate, however being as dishonorable and desperate as she was, used sex to bring him back to her. Kate realized Tate was a sex addict and his wife refused to be his sex object. His addiction to porn and sex had damaged his relationship with her. His argument to Kate was she had his heart but his wife had his mind. That is apparently how he interpreted love. Given Tate’s heart was in his sexual organ, that is how he made his decisions on love and infidelity.)

A year later, Tate and Kate were divorced from their spouses and partly estranged from their children. They were cohabiting off and on and neglecting their parental responsibilities in their pursuit of sexual fantasy, entertainment, and the pursuit of reliving their high school days. (Tate, being the tremendous husband and father that he was, only asked for the state-required minimum time with his children — around 30%. However, ironically enough, he had told Kate early on in their adultery that his wife was abusive and he would get primary custody of his children because he wanted to protect them from her. These are just a few examples of his lies and propaganda to perpetuate his affair.)

Both Tate and Kate’s children were in therapy as a result of their betrayal of their families. Their children were betrayed, lied to, neglected, ashamed, and insecure because of Tate and Kate’s infidelity. And, interestingly enough, Tate and Kate both ended up in therapy because they could no longer run from the consequences of their actions and what they had done to their families. (Even though Tate and Kate tried to reconcile with their spouses and children it didn’t work so they had to go back to each other. They both failed as spouses and parents and were desperate enough to gamble on their 1% chance of converting their affair into a happy marriage.)

In the end, Tate’s Mother’s Day card to Kate showed, despite appearances otherwise, how little he actually respected his wife, children, mother, Kate, Kate’s husband, and their children. His sexual desire was where he placed the highest priority which led him and Kate to dishonor themselves and break up their marriages and families.

Tate and Kate both set in motion extremely difficult futures for their children and themselves. Parental infidelity causes most children to question what they thought was real or genuine about their family. This can bring on depression and anxiety. “Infidelity can have a detrimental psychological effect on kids and lead to a dysfunctional family, which can then disrupt their life and hamper their potential,” Tatyana Dyachenko, a sexual and relationship therapist stated.

The long-term effects of parental infidelity can run much deeper than future relationship behavior (i.e., cheating or not cheating). According to clinical psychologist Ana Nogales, author of Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults Are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful, growing up in a family with infidelity has a lasting impact on children in terms of how they view their romantic relationships and their ability to trust future partners.

Nogales’ research found that 75% of children experience lingering feelings of betrayal toward their cheating parent, 80% say that infidelity shapes their outlook on romance and relationships, and 70% describe infidelity as affecting their general trust in others. If we break this down into simple numbers — 3 out of 4 children experience lingering feelings of betrayal toward their cheating parent, 8 of 10 children say their parent’s infidelity shapes the way they think about romance and relationships, and 7 of 10 children say that their parent’s infidelity affects their trust of others.

Not only is Tate’s adulterous Mother’s Day card to Kate an “epic fail” and in bad taste, but the damage they have done to their families is ultimately their “epic fail” legacy and carries with it generations of damage and chaos.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.