(The following article is a contributed article obtained through an interview.)

“Is it true? Are you having an affair?” Gary asked.

“Yes, I am. Things are no longer black and white.” Tigra responded.

“Really, no longer black and white?! So fidelity is no longer black and white?!” Gary responded.

“Yes. Thad and I are in love.” Tigra said defiantly.

“Really? You both are in love?!” Gary asked.

“You didn’t save me. You didn’t fight for me.” Tigra said emotionally.

Tigra, the marital betrayer here, quickly shifted the blame from herself to her husband. It was his fault she made hundreds of decisions of infidelity and betrayal. It was his fault she was caught and no longer able to lie to and deceive her family and friends about her adultery. She was in actuality a victim. Her husband didn’t save her from herself. He was to blame.

As things progressed with the news of her affair, Tigra started to claim her affair was only an emotional affair but as with most betrayers, she continued her lies, secrets, and deceit. Thad’s wife found several weeks of Tigra and Thad’s secret communication in Facebook Messenger Chat clearly confirming their sexual relationship and infidelity. Try as she might, Tigra was caught in her lies and betrayal. She had not only been having an emotional affair but an active and dangerous sexual affair as well. In fact, their relationship seemed much more sexual than emotional. (Thad being a narcissist was only able to play the part of being emotionally connected to Tigra when he was simply enjoying extramarital sex on the side.)

Their Conspiracy

Tigra began an active campaign to downplay her affair as merely an “emotional affair” or “dating before divorce.” Thad started the same campaign with his wife, children, friends, and work. Thad saw the potential financial impact of his adultery and pending divorce and sought to minimize it. Tigra and Thad initially fooled many but the truth slowly surfaced exposing their lies, deceit, and betrayal.

Both Tigra and Thad’s spouses hired private investigators to document their affair, adultery, and parental neglect. The private investigators were able to document Tigra’s sleepovers at Thad’s place where she left her children home alone. (Tigra and Thad no longer had to settle for sex in their family cars, hotels, or parks.) Thad, realizing that his betrayal had cost him his spouse, and children, welcomed Tigra’s sleepovers, sex, and private meetups because he had no financial commitment or responsibility to Tigra. (This is how many narcissistic people view life and relationships.)

Dating Before Divorce

Both Tigra and Thad soon realized that they had torn their families apart, causing two divorces, their children to seek professional therapy, and irreversibly damaging their reputations. Tigra and Thad’s personal, religious, and midlife crises had cost them their families and destroyed the sanctity of marriage, stability, and security they once had.

As with most affairs, both Tigra and Thad soon realized that they had both been lying to each other about their fidelity in their marriages prior to starting their affair with each other. They had lied to each other about their marriages and parental involvement. They also lied to each other about their commitments to each other. They had even gone so far as to tell each other that they felt guilty for cheating on each other because they were still married to their spouses. Their delusional affair fervor left them impaired and disconnected from reality.

Final Thoughts

When married, there is no ‘dating before divorce’ because dating anyone you are not married to while still being married is infidelity and adultery. You either work out your marriage and make it great or you divorce and move on. Dating someone other than your spouse while married only damages the cheated-on spouse, children, and the cheaters. No amount of blame-shifting or excuses will change the facts.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.