It’s extremely rare to see unfaithful spouses who decide to have affairs stop to consider the far-reaching effects their decision of infidelity has on not only their spouse (or partner as the case may be) but also their children and extended family members. Ironically, some of the top internet-related topics searched include similar questions commonly posed include, “What does infidelity do to families?”, “Is infidelity harmful?”, “Does infidelity hurt children?”, or “How does infidelity affect marriage?”

Infidelity undermines the very foundation of marriage. Infidelity destroys trust. Infidelity is parasitic in nature and divisive. Infidelity causes heartbreak, devastation, loneliness, distrust, feelings of betrayal, confusion, anger, sorrow, sadness, and resentment to one or both spouses in a marriage. Infidelity causes great trauma and pain in marriages and is oftentimes the reason or a contributing factor to divorce. However, some marriages that survive infidelity can be repaired and become stronger, more intimate, and more loving. Based on the studies and data available, marriages that survive and thrive after infidelity appear to be more of an exception than the rule.

No marriage or couple is perfect and most couples don’t enter their marriages expecting to be unfaithful or for infidelity to happen — but it does unfortunately occur. Because infidelity is secretive, it’s difficult to determine how many married people end up cheating. Unfortunately, the sad reality is that infidelity occurs more often than most people realize.

Infidelity and its Resulting Damage to Children

Infidelity impacts children in different ways. Some unsettling research published in the Journal of Family Issues found that children whose parents were unfaithful were twice as likely to be unfaithful themselves. (Of course, any kind of childhood trauma can increase the likelihood of infidelity, so it’s important to keep this statistic in context.) Children, especially younger ones, are often not aware of their parent’s infidelity. However, they will be able to pick up on the painful feelings and anger that infidelity may cause for their parents. Even if older children aren’t explicitly told what is going on, they may pick up on the signs of infidelity — or at least understand that their parents feel hurt or betrayed in some way.

If infidelity is an isolated incident, and the child’s parents can work it out amicably — very often through couples counseling — there may be minimal ramifications for children. If working through the infidelity leads to a deeper understanding and healing of wounds between parents, this can be a good thing for the children.

When infidelity leads to months or years of antagonism, broken trust, or a contentious divorce, children will likely be more strongly impacted, especially if they are not given emotional support or offered counseling services to help them move through their feelings.

Other factors that can negatively impact children include parents designating their children as “confidantes,” oversharing details of the affair, or hurt feelings with their children. If a child accidentally finds out about the affair, this can also have lasting impacts.

What Are the Psychological Effects of Infidelity?

Infidelity can have lasting impacts on parents and their children. Such impact on children can include grief, changes to the brain, behaviors, and mental health conditions such as anxiety, chronic stress, and depression. None of these effects of infidelity are positive. Infidelity is selfish and destructive to the heart, mind, and soul.

Recovering from betrayal trauma is not something that can be done in a few days or weeks. Typically, betrayal trauma usually takes between eighteen months to three years to fully recover. This recovery usually happens with help and moral support. The support of family and friends can greatly increase the recovery process and success.

Long-Term Effects of Parental Infidelity on Children

What happens when the children of cheating parents grow up? Do they carry the wounds of infidelity with them? How does their parent’s infidelity impact their relationships and marriages? Do they resent their cheating parent for cheating and breaking up their family?

The long-term effects of infidelity go deeper than future relationship behavior. According to clinical psychologist Ana Nogales, author of Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful, growing up in a family with infidelity has a lasting impact on children in terms of how they view their romantic relationships and their ability to trust future partners.

Nogales’ research found that 75% of children experience lingering feelings of betrayal toward their cheating parent, 80% say that the infidelity shapes their outlook on romance and relationships, and 70% describe the infidelity as affecting their general trust in others.

These are sobering statistics, but it’s important to keep in mind that, while the hurt and pain are real, there are things adults can do to heal and mitigate the negative impact on children. Simply being mindful of these issues and connecting them to your feelings about a parent’s infidelity is the first step. Therapy is a good way to work through these feelings and learn how to build more emotionally stable and trusting relationships.

Final Thoughts

If you or a loved one has been hurt by someone who has cheated, seek out a specialized therapist and resources to help you and your children recover. The recovery process can be difficult but it is necessary to move forward. There are already too many victims of infidelity — don’t let yourself remain a victim of infidelity and adultery. You owe it to yourself and your children to recover and move forward.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.