(The following article is a contributed article obtained through an interview.)

On a fateful day in May 2021, I received a text message from the wife of a man who my wife was having an adulterous affair with. She sent the text to me and my wife letting us both know that she had discovered my wife’s adultery with her husband. While the text was sent in the early hours of the morning, I hadn’t seen the text until after I had left my home office and was with my wife several hours later. My wife had seen the text and was hurrying to leave the house to meet up with her adultery partner. As I spoke with my wife, I opened my phone to see the text notification informing me of my wife’s infidelity and betrayal. In shock, I asked my wife if it was true. She acknowledged it was and that she was having an adulterous affair with another married man. (This was the second time she had an affair to my knowledge.)

One of the first things my wife said to me after admitting to her affair was, “You didn’t save me!” Moments later she then claimed, “You didn’t fight for me.” She had justified her infidelity by blame-shifting and accusing me of not saving her or fighting for her.

As one might guess, these accusatory statements cut me to the bone. We had been married for more than 20 years and I had sacrificed almost everything I could to provide for, care for, and love my wife and children. I had tried everything I could to ‘save my wife’ from her decisions but couldn’t walk the path she was walking in good conscience. In her midlife and mental crisis, she had started flirting with other men, allowing herself to be touched by other men inappropriately, distancing herself emotionally from me and our children, leaving home early, coming home late, criticizing me, demeaning our children, blaming life and others for her unhappiness, and taking issue with our religion and faith.

I spent countless hours talking with her and pleading with her to get help but she wouldn’t. However, she told me if I got the help she felt I needed she would too. So, I went to therapy and found it helpful in dealing with some of my deficiencies as a husband and father but my wife never followed through with her commitment to go to therapy. (Ironically, after the revelation of her adulterous affair, she started going to therapy and counseling a few times a week to cope with the public revelation and knowledge of her betrayal and infidelity. Unfortunately, it was too late for her to avoid the destructive path she had chosen and it was only a matter of time before she would risk everything for an adulterous affair.)

Conclusion

In the end, my wife was correct, I didn’t save her. I couldn’t ‘save’ her even though I wanted to for most of my marriage. In fact, it wasn’t even possible for me to save her. A spouse, no matter how well-intentioned, doesn’t have the power or capability to protect or ‘save’ their spouse from their decisions or themselves. Marriage is about being supportive of your spouse and helping them where you can but when a spouse is unwilling or unable to help themself that is when it is too late to save them and you have to accept that regardless of whether they blame you or not. You are not able to be your spouse’s savior. Find peace in the knowledge that your role as your spouse’s spouse is to love them, support them, help them where you can, and forgive them as often as you can. Unfortunately, the rest is up to them.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.