(The following article is a contributed article obtained through an interview.)

If I could write a letter to all the women of the world who are considering being a mistress, currently are one, or have been hurt by one, here is what I would say:

You don’t know me and probably never will. I realize that what I have to say in this letter may not end up meaning much to you but I hope you take a moment to read and consider what I have to say. I am writing this in the hopes that it will help you.

I have never had a mistress — or wanted one — but I know many men who have and I have also spoken with many women who were mistresses. I have also spoken to and interviewed many women whose spouses or partners have cheated on them with a mistress. My family has been damaged and severely impacted by mistresses. For a while, my wife even decided to be a mistress for another married man and tore apart two families in the process.

My father even had a few mistresses until my mother finally divorced him. So, I write this letter from direct experience as a victim and a place of deep sorrow and pain. Not sorrow and pain for me so much as the collective sorrow and pain of my family, children, relatives, friends, and those I have come to know whose lives have been irreparably damaged and altered by mistresses.

If you are a mistress or are considering being one, please stop! Think! Really, really stop and think about it. You are and can be so much more than a “mistress”. Your value and worth as a woman are so much more than being a mistress or side love project of a man who doesn’t value you enough to divorce his wife or end his romantic relationship with his partner. You shouldn’t settle for being his second choice, secret mistress, or paramour.

You shouldn’t have to sneak around, lie, cheat, deceive, or betray to feel loved or desired. You deserve to be a man’s first choice and only love. No matter how exciting your affair may feel, it isn’t real. It isn’t something to be proud of. No matter what your lover and affair partner is saying to you or doing with you it isn’t real or sustainable. Mistresses are hidden for a reason and purpose. They are not respected enough by the man to be treated honorably.

A man who is married or in a committed romantic relationship doesn’t love or respect his mistress. He dishonors her, his wife or partner, and his children through his infidelity and adultery. Mistresses give more than they can ever receive from an uncommitted and unfaithful man. Most research suggests that as little as three percent of affairs end in marriage — so if you are looking for love and commitment from your affair partner, you are looking at the wrong man. You shouldn’t bet your life and future happiness on a “three percent” chance.

As a mistress, you are complicit in the willful damage you do to marriages, spouses, partners, and their children. The discovery of your affair will further complicate your life and your affair partner’s life. You will both be known as unfaithful, uncommitted, and uncaring people moving forward regardless of whether you end up together.

Even if your ending up together leads to a formal commitment of marriage, most end in divorce. If you end up as the rare “one percent” of affairs that marry and stay married you will have to endure the pain and suffering of those you hurt. You will always question if your affair partner — turned husband — will remain faithful to you or cheat as he once did with you. You will forever be wondering about his faithfulness to you as he will of you. You both built your relationship foundation through an affair based on selfishness, lies, deceit, and betrayal. How can trust ever truly exist in a relationship built on such a foundation?

You deserve a better life than that of a mistress. If you are a mistress, stop! Apologize, make restitution, and move on to a better more fulfilling life. If you are considering being a mistress, stop! Please just stop. It isn’t worth giving up who you are for a fantasy that will unravel into a nightmare that will haunt you for the rest of your life. If you are a wife or partner who has been hurt by your spouse or partner and their mistress, you can and will move on and find happiness. Millions of women have and are much better off for it.

I hope — and even pray — you decide to live a life that you will be proud of and is free from the pain of hurting and scarring others through infidelity and adultery. Live your life in such a way that you will not be remembered as someone’s secret mistress, second choice, or the woman who damaged families. Whoever you love and choose to be with should choose you first and foremost. Find someone who will love, respect, and honor you more than anyone else. I hope you choose well!

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.