Some affairs may end up in marriage. Some that do end up in marriage may end in successful relationships enduring as healthy long-term marriages that last, but according to most experts, these are the exceptions that prove the rule.

In Dr. Frank Pittman’s classic book, Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy, he outlines nine defects that flaw a second marriage that begins as an affair. A second marriage that begins with infidelity is very likely heading to divorce within two years, according to Elizabeth Landers, who writes about marriage and family.

The very elements that create an exciting and intoxicating affair are the storms that consume the relationship when it becomes a marriage. Such marriages begin on very weak foundations that eventually collapse under the strain of life. When the affair is at its peak, the “adultery partners” are blinded to the inevitability that the lustful romance consumes itself. While they imagine that they are the exceptions to an established pattern of human affairs — they are almost always wrong.

Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy and Trust

While conclusive research and studies are still sparse on this matter, the probability of an affair ending in marriage is very, very low. Based on the data available it is between three and five percent. Of those affairs that do end in marriage, most join the 75 percent of second marriages that fail which is significantly higher than first marriages.

While fewer than 25 percent of adulterers leave a marriage for an affair partner most of those relationships are statistically extremely unlikely to endure. This research suggests that only 1–3% achieve stability and happiness. (Another source suggests that it is closer to 5–7%.) This is an alarming statistic especially given the impact they have on children and family members.

These nine defects include:

1. Stimulating unreality — While still married to others, the affair partners become immersed in “stimulating unreality,” but the second marriage illuminates reality. “Only after their marriage did the divorce become real enough to see that it was a horrible mistake. They were so caught up in the infatuation that they never got around to figuring out if what they were doing was sane.”
2. Overwhelmed with guilt — The cheaters who wrecked a family (or two) and inflicted tremendous pain on innocent people may feel little to no guilt during the affair but become overwhelmed with guilt after they marry.
3. The Disparity in their sacrifice — Divorces drain both financially and emotionally. After affair partners marry, the new couple may feel a disparity in what had to be sacrificed to bring them together.
4. Misaligned expectation — Unfaithful couples who marry may believe that the life after the marriage will be as good as life during the affair, and that “[t]he greater the sacrifices, the greater the expectations for the new marriage.” In short, “[t]he more people enjoy the battles involved in wrecking and escaping marriages, the less they are likely to enjoy the business as usual of the new marriage.”
5. Foundation of Distrust — The unfaithful affair partners, develop a distrust of marriage and of the affair partner who is now a spouse. A marriage that begins on an untruth cannot have a trusting foundation.
6. Betrayers Insulate Themselves — During the affair and the divorce, the unfaithful couple isolates and insulates themselves, and they retreat to a private little world “protected from the devastation that they have created, safe from anyone who tries to pull them apart.” In this regime, memories or even mention of the betrayed spouse can be difficult. Later, the now married couple may long to reconnect with these people; however, “[e]veryone involved is hurt by the betrayal and not as forgiving as they have expected. They often find that they only have each other and that can be very lonely.”
7. Failure to Nurture Relationship — When the romance fades, as it does in most marriages, romantics do not understand that this is part of the growth of the marriage, and they do not know how to nurture “a deeper more meaningful relationship”; rather, “they believe that they have just fallen out of love.”
8. Betrayal of Fantasies — During the affair and the divorce, the affair couple convinces each other that the defective marriage is the fault of the betrayed spouse. To acknowledge otherwise, now that the remarriage has taken place, seems a betrayal of “the rescue fantasies that fed the affair in the first place.”
9. Jealousy and Insecurity — The absence of a shared history that nurtures a comforting familiarity with relationships that begin earlier in life makes talking about the past difficult. An affair that wrecked the first marriage makes it painful and embarrassing for both spouses to discuss the past because it may promote jealousy and insecurity. Affair partners who marry do not want to hear about the good qualities of the previous marriage and spouses, nor about any good times the former partners had. Trying to start over can be lonely and disheartening.

What About the Children?

Too often, the focus is on the cheating couple. It’s not just about the couple; infidelity can cause lasting damage to children. In Ana Nogales’ book, Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults Are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful, she writes:

“Regardless of their age, children whose parents have been unfaithful often react with intense feelings of anger, anxiety, guilt, shame, sadness, and confusion. They may act out, regress, or withdraw. They may even feel pressured to win back the love of the unfaithful parent or to become the caretaker of the betrayed parent.”

“With all these messages we’re giving to our children, our (future) society will be different,” said Ana Nogales, clinical psychologist, and author.” “What is important is to create awareness that cheating in the marriage or a serious relationship is not just something about the two people, but it may affect, at some point, the whole family. So when people think ‘This doesn’t involve my children. It has nothing to do with my children,’ they’re lying to themselves. When this is known, the children are seriously affected.”

In a survey Nogales conducted of more than 800 adult children whose parents had been unfaithful, 96 percent of respondents said cheating was not acceptable, even if their partner didn’t find out, yet 44 percent had been unfaithful in relationships themselves. Nogales believes children are most dramatically affected by infidelity through the loss of trust — which doesn’t always happen with divorce.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.