(The following article is a contributed article.)

It’s an unfortunate reality that so many children are so negatively impacted by their parent’s infidelity and the painful aftermath that follows. Parents choose to be faithful or unfaithful to their spouses and children. Children don’t often get a say in what follows as a result of their parent’s infidelity and adultery.

In interviews and discussions, we have gathered some insights into what children — of all ages — wish they could say to both their betraying parent and their parent’s affair partner. Unfortunately, most children never get to ask these questions.

What Children Wish They Could Say

These questions and comments represent some of the mental and emotional concerns and trauma children face when confronted with their parent’s infidelity. These questions are directed at both the cheating parent and their cheating affair partner.

1. Why did you think it was appropriate to have an affair and cheat on my dad/mom?
2. Did you consider the damage your affair would have to our family or me?
3. Your affair is now public and I have to live with others outside of our family knowing of your infidelity and cheating. How do you think that makes me feel?
4. Do you plan on divorcing and marrying your affair partner?
5. Why do you think you can divorce my dad/mom and marry your affair partner? You know that he/she cheated with you and you both have proven untrustworthy in marriage!
6. Your affair has really hurt me and my confidence in ever believing I could find someone who would not cheat on me.
7. Before having sex with your affair partner, did you have them tested for sexually transmitted diseases or infections (STDs and STIs)? If not, why not?!
8. How could you ever have sex with your affair partner while also continuing to have sex with my dad/mom?
9. When you were having sex with your affair partner, did you practice safe sex to avoid transmission of disease or infections to yourself or my dad/mom?
10. Did you bother letting dad/mom know that you were having sex with someone else? If not, why?! Did he/she not deserve to be protected from your infidelity?
11. Why would you risk your own health and that of my dad/mom by having sex with your affair partner?
12. Since your affair partner is married to someone else, did you not feel any obligation to tell my dad/mom or your affair partner’s spouse about your infidelity and sexual relationship? If not, why?!
13. Our family will forever be changed and even damaged because of your infidelity and adultery.
14. How could you lie to dad/mom and me about your affair?
15. Do you know how selfish and destructive you have been to our family?
16. Whether you still love my dad/mom or not, you’ve shown my dad/mom that you are willing to betray them and your children.
17. How could you be willing to damage our family and the family of your affair partner?
18. Did you feel guilty at any time about the lies, deceit, betrayal, and secrecy of your affair? If not, why?!
19. I don’t think I could ever trust you again. You are a liar and a hypocrite.
20. Do you know how much you have damaged my dad/mom by your affair with my mom/dad?
21. Once you’ve divorced my dad/mom and married your affair partner, do you really believe you could ever trust him/her? Can he/she ever really trust you to be faithful in marriage? If so, why do you believe that?
22. Marriage to you seems to be a very selfish and convenient thing. Fidelity seems to mean nothing to you.
23. Did you ever consider how hard your infidelity would hit my dad/mom, me, or the rest of our family? Did you consider how it would alter our lives?
24. How do I know you will ever be faithful to my dad/mom since you already cheated with my dad/mom?
25. You say you will be faithful to my dad/mom once you divorce your spouse and marry my dad/mom but how can I believe that since you already proved you would cheat in your marriage?

The Impact of Parental Infidelity on Children

The long-term effects of infidelity go deeper than future relationship behavior. According to clinical psychologist Ana Nogales, author of Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful, growing up in a family with infidelity has a lasting impact on children in terms of how they view their romantic relationships and their ability to trust future partners.

In Nogales’ book, she writes, “Regardless of their age, children whose parents have been unfaithful often react with intense feelings of anger, anxiety, guilt, shame, sadness, and confusion. They may act out, regress, or withdraw. They may even feel pressured to win back the love of the unfaithful parent or to become the caretaker of the betrayed parent.”

“With all these messages we’re giving to our children, our (future) society will be different,” said Ana Nogales. “What is important is to create awareness that cheating in the marriage or a serious relationship is not just something about the two people, but it may affect, at some point, the whole family. So when people think ‘This doesn’t involve my children. It has nothing to do with my children,’ they’re lying to themselves. When this is known, the children are seriously affected.”

Nogales believes children are most dramatically affected by infidelity through the loss of trust — which doesn’t always happen with divorce. She notes:

“(A parent) is supposed to be the person a child can trust more than anyone else,” she said. “When one parent betrays another, it’s a supreme breach of trust. Most of the children felt that they were betrayed by the parent, too.”

“(Infidelity) is a terrible disillusion that says ‘One of my parents was profoundly dishonest to my other parent. And if they’re so dishonest with the parent, why would they be more honest with their kids?” he said. “You begin to question the foundations of your relationships.”

Nogales’ research found that 75% of children experience lingering feelings of betrayal toward their cheating parent, 80% say that the infidelity shapes their outlook on romance and relationships, and 70% describe the infidelity as affecting their general trust in others.

In a survey Nogales conducted of more than 800 adult children whose parents had been unfaithful, 96 percent of respondents said cheating was not acceptable, even if their partner didn’t find out, yet 44.1 percent had been unfaithful in relationships themselves.

“(Infidelity) violates everything (children) know about their parents as people,” said Don-David Lusterman, a marriage and family clinical psychologist and author.

Key Takeaways

For parents who have betrayed through spouse and children through infidelity, you can minimize the impact on your family. First, you need to seek professional counseling for yourself, your spouse, and your children. If you can’t fix or are unwilling to fix your marriage, you need to be honest with your spouse and children about why you cheated and why the marriage is ending. Do not lie to your spouse or children. Allow your children the time to process and ask questions. Be honest with them and sincere in listening to them no matter their age.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.