For those of us who have been betrayed through our spouse’s infidelity and adultery, we face a long journey of recovery and healing. The healing process, more often than not, requires the strength of heaven to journey through the hell that follows our spouse’s infidelity and betrayal.

Some marriages can survive infidelity. Some can’t survive infidelity. Other marriages struggle with it long-term. The rift created by infidelity and the ultimate betrayal it represents is daunting. No one is perfect in their marriage but learning to forgive an unfaithful spouse requires time, patience, love, and forgiveness.

In reality, cheating is often devastating for most relationships. More often than not, when people enter a marriage or romantic relationship, they do so with the understanding that there will be love, mutual respect, fidelity, and commitment to each other. In a marriage, cheating and being unfaithful can lead to the destruction of the faith and confidence couples have in each other and their commitment to marital fidelity.

There are numerous reasons why individuals engage in cheating and infidelity. Some are bored in their marital relationship. Rather than working on the issues or communicating their feelings with their partner — or leaving — they engage in cheating and infidelity.

Some engage in cheating and infidelity because of their insecurities and low self-esteem. In other cases, cheating happens as a result of seduction — they desire someone new — they desire variety. They have personal insecurities about their desirability or are not sexually satisfied in their relationship so they go outside of their marriage to satisfy their desires.

Ultimately, cheating is a choice. Infidelity is a choice. No one is forced into cheating on their spouse.

Learning to Forgive Even if You Can’t Forget

When affairs, adultery, and infidelity enter marriage, there is generally deep pain and anguish. Spouses and families are hurt and damaged by betrayal and infidelity.

For Victims of Infidelity

For victims of infidelity and cheating, the only way to move on is to work toward forgiving your betrayer and offender. Whether you stay married or divorce, you need to forgive so you can move on. Being betrayed and then being required to forgive is extremely difficult and can take months, years, and even decades. As hard as forgiving betrayal may be, not forgiving and harboring anger, resentment, and hate will only hurt more.

For Betrayers and Cheaters

If you cheated and had an affair, it’s important to look with true introspection at what you did, why, and who you have become as a result of the betrayal of your marriage vows and promises. You need to be willing to show honesty, courage, and an open heart, at what you believe you were getting from the affair that you weren’t getting from your marriage. It’s not enough to fall back on insecurities or deficiencies. Excusing your actions due to your flaws is cowardly and dishonest. Excusing your actions and their consequences is cowardly and will not help your marriage and the one you love make restitution and reconciliation.

Healing yourself and your marriage can only happen when you own what you did and the consequences of your actions. You need to be willing to show regret and remorse, not just for the damage and pain your affair has caused, but for starting the affair. What’s important is your renewed commitment to protecting your marriage above all else and letting go of your affair and infidelity. Some questions to consider in this healing and reconciliation period are:

• What do you regret about having the affair?
• How do you feel about your affair ending?
• What excuses or justifications did you tell yourself to keep your affair going?
• How do you feel about what it’s done to you, your spouse, your children, and your marriage?
• Would you still regret having the affair if it had never been discovered?

Betraying your spouse and children is devastating to them. If you want to be whole again, you have to go through the process of asking to be forgiven, showing remorse, and making restitution to those you have offended and betrayed. It will not be easy. It will not be fun. It will not be fast. Your infidelity created ripples in your marriage and you will have to ride the ripples to see how they impact your family and you.

As damaging and selfish as infidelity is, there is always hope. Hope for repairing the damage done. The hope of being forgiven. The hope of building something out of the ashes. You must have the courage to face the pain and suffering you have caused and hope for better days ahead.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.