There is a lot currently being said and talked about about the subject of narcissism. Some of it is true and some are simply misdiagnosed cases by the public and media. It indeed appears more people are narcissistic these days. It’s even likely that we are seeing a rise in a new generation of narcissistic behavior but it is important to fully understand what narcissism is and whether or not those who are acting in narcissistic ways are narcissistic or not.

The Mayo Clinic defines narcissistic personality as “A mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others.”

In essence, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a disorder in which a person has an inflated sense of self-importance. While narcissistic personality disorder is more commonly found in men, women can also have the disorder. At this time, the cause of NPD is unknown but is likely a result of a combination of genetic and environmental factors.

The Mayo Clinic notes that symptoms of NPD “include an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others’ feelings, an inability to handle any criticism, and a sense of entitlement.”

Based on data obtained through MayoClinic.org, fewer than 200,000 cases are treated per year in the U.S. Based on this data, NPD is considered a rare disorder in terms of the number of cases treated annually. That said, these 200,000 cases per year are only cases where those with the disorder have sought NPD treatment.

There are likely millions more who never seek treatment because the nature of NPD is that those who have it are less likely to recognize their disorder and seek treatment. (Remember, those who have NPD have “…an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others’ feelings, an inability to handle any criticism, and a sense of entitlement.”)

Are All Cheaters and Adulterers Narcissists?

The simple answer is no. Not all cheaters or adulterers are narcissists. However, it is important to distinguish between narcissism and narcissistic behavior. Meaning, narcissism is a disorder that encompasses narcissistic behavior by the person with NPD while people who do not have NPD can still exhibit narcissistic behavior.

The Mayo Clinic notes that those with NPD exhibit common symptoms that include: “grandiosity, callous and unemotional traits, disregard for others’ feelings, excessive need for admiration, or social isolation.” These traits are common among people with NPD.

Many of our readers and those we have interviewed have suggested that they married narcissists who were unfaithful and cheaters. Many of them may be correct but it is difficult to know for sure until they are diagnosed. Needless to say, there are some common behaviors and themes among those who engage in infidelity and adulterous behavior and those who have NPD.

More often than not, those who engage in infidelity and adultery exhibit callous and unemotional traits and behaviors, disregard for others’ feelings, and excessive need for attention and admiration. Not all of course but those who cheat are doing so intending to deceive and total disregard for their spouse or committed romantic partners’ well-being and safety.

They may initially approach their affair and infidelity with some guilt and shame but eventually become callous, and unemotional, and disregard the feelings of their spouse or partner and children. They use their mistress or adultery partner with selfishness because few affairs convert into committed relationships and marriage. Based on some studies, only three percent (3%) of affairs end in marriage. Most of those who convert from an affair to marriage end in divorce. Many end because of repeated infidelity.

The Mental Health Center of America or MCHA states, “Narcissists cheat on their spouses, commit adultery and have extramarital affairs and liaisons for a variety of reasons which reflect disparate psychodynamic processes.” The MCHA also notes that there are two types of narcissists: somatic and cerebral.

The MCHA goes on to note that the psychodynamic process enables cheating. They note the following regarding the psychodynamic process of narcissism:

1. In the quest for narcissistic supply, the somatic narcissist resorts to serial sexual conquests.
2. Narcissists are easily bored and they have a low tolerance for boredom.
3. Narcissists maintain an island and focus on stability in their lives, but all the other dimensions of their existence are chaotic, unstable, and unpredictable.
4. Narcissists feel superior and important and so entitled to be above the law and to engage in behaviors that are frowned upon and considered socially unacceptable by others.
5. Marriage, monogamy, and child-bearing and rearing are common activities that characterize the average person. The narcissist feels robbed of his uniqueness by these pursuits and coerced into the relationship and into roles — such as a husband and a father — that reduce him to the lowest of common denominators.
6. Narcissists are control freaks. Having a relationship implies a give-and-take and a train of compromises which the narcissist acutely interprets to mean a loss of control over his life. To reassert control, the narcissist initiates other relationships in which he or she dictates the terms of engagement (love affairs).
7. Narcissists are terrified of intimacy. Their behavior is best characterized as an approach-avoidance repetition complex. Adultery is an excellent tool in the attempt to retard intimacy and resort to a less threatening mode of interaction.

As noted earlier, those with NPD are not the only ones who can exhibit narcissistic behavior or traits. The difference is that those with NPD simply exhibit these behaviors and traits more consistently throughout their lives than those who don’t have NPD. So, spouses who do not have NPD can still exhibit NPD behaviors and traits but should not be labeled as narcissists but only have narcissistic behaviors.

Key Takeaways

The NPD disorder needs to be diagnosed by a professional. Treatment involves talk therapy. Treatment can help, but the NPD condition can’t be cured.

If you are married or in a relationship with someone who may have NPD, talk with them and seek professional diagnosis, treatment, and counseling. If you think you might have NPD, you should also seek professional diagnosis, treatment, and counseling. Marriage and committed relationships are already inherently complicated and having NPD or NPD behavior that is left undiagnosed and treated can only lead to more pain and difficulty. Treatment for NPD or NPD behavior can help.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.