Cultural norms about love and courtship vary significantly throughout the world. Understandably so. It’s estimated that more than half of marriages worldwide are arranged. A “modern arranged marriage” is a marital union planned by the families, typically parents, of the couple. Research suggests that arranged marriages last longer with fewer divorces than love-based or choice-based marriages. Love-based or choice-based marriages are unarranged marriages in which couples find each other on their own and love and romance are the foundation of those marriages.

However, given the high failure rate of love-based marriages in the U.S., some marriage experts are asking whether arranged marriages produce better marital relationships in the long run than typical U.S. marriages do. In the U.S., we rarely hear about arranged marriages. When we do hear about them, we discuss their infamously low divorce rates. While the divorce rate in the U.S. is said to be between 40 to 50 percent, the divorce rate for arranged marriages is estimated to be around 4 percent. (Some research suggests that nearly 70% of the U.S. divorce rate is influenced by or a direct result of marital infidelity.) In contrast, in India, where it is estimated by some that 90 percent of marriages are arranged, the divorce rate is only 1 percent.

So, the question naturally follows, “Are low divorce rates for arranged marriages a sign that arranged marriages work better than non-arranged marriages? Or simply a sign that those involved in arranged marriages are less likely to file for divorce? The closer one looks at the world of modern arranged marriages, the more curious it becomes. Questions like, “What makes arranged marriages lead to less divorce than non-arranged marriages? Do arranged marriages seem to garner more commitment than non-arranged marriages? Are non-arranged or choice-based marriages simply more prone to being less commitment-based than arranged marriages?

While there are plenty of legitimate concerns about the efficacy of arranged marriages in Western culture, there is little argument that many modern approaches to arranged marriages are proving to be more successful and satisfying than love-based marriages. In the U.S., we celebrate autonomy and the opportunity to find and select a spouse. However, given the rapid speed couples meet, have premarital sex, cohabitate, marry, separate, and divorce, there is some logic for looking at arranged marriages to see if there are some lessons to learn for improving love-based marriages.

Arranged Marriage Lessons

Are there lessons in how arranged marriages prosper that can be applied to non-arranged marriages in the U.S.? Robert Epstein, an author and a senior research psychologist at the American Institute for Behavior Research and Technology, found that one lesson to a successful arranged marriage is the amount of parental involvement at the beginning of the marriage. The role and involvement of parents seem to be very helpful in the screening process of marriage partners. Many arranged marriage couples attribute the success of their unions to the involvement of their parents.

Dr. Brian J. Willoughby, an assistant professor in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University has stated, “Arranged marriages start cold and heat up and boil over time as the couple grows. Non-arranged marriages are expected to start out boiling hot but many eventually find that this heat dissipates and we’re left with a relationship that’s cold.” He also noted, “Whether it be financial support for weddings, schooling or housing, or emotional support for either partner, parents provide valuable resources for couples as they navigate the marital transition.”

Key Takeaways

What does the state of love-based marriage in the U.S. say about our marriage choices for whom we select to marry, high rates of marital infidelity, and our propensity to divorce? How is it that unarranged marriages fail so frequently and easily? What does the involvement of parents and family in selecting a spouse for adult children say about the wisdom and insights they have for their adult children in successfully selecting a spouse? Does parental involvement foster shared interest in the success of the marriage? There are many questions left unanswered.

In the end, there are some lessons to be learned from both arranged and unarranged marriages. However, what is very evident in both approaches to marriage is they both require integrity, honor, commitment, and fidelity to marriage to be successful and satisfying.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.