(The following article is a contributed article obtained through an interview.)

Having been betrayed by my wife of more than 20 years, I was quickly introduced to the wasted world of marital infidelity. The first time my wife was unfaithful was with our next-door neighbor. (I traveled a fair amount for my job.) When I found out about her first affair, I forgave her in the hopes that it was simply a mistake she was sorry for and would never repeat.

Unfortunately, my wife didn’t learn from her past infidelity and repeated her betrayal. She was anything but contrite about her adultery. She denied her adultery even though the wife of the man she was having an affair with had recovered more than a thousand private messages her husband and my wife had secretly exchanged. Their messages outlined their physical and sexual relationship in detail. (In reading those messages, it became clear that their affair was a lot like a bad high school love story, immature and out of touch with reality.) Even with this indisputable evidence, both my wife and her lover denied their adultery. Here is where the rub is. Infidelity and affairs are built on lies and deceit. Cheaters lie about their lies and lie about the facts.

From the moment that the news of her latest affair came out, I began my journey of recognizing that the lies about my wife’s affair had just started. She began lying about everything. She lied because her adultery and affair we now public and contradicted the life she had lived and now pretended to live. Her lies and deceit increased. She lied to rally support from her parents, children, relatives, friends, and church. Her paramour did the same.

The damage their lies started to cause was mindblowing. They were both deadset on lying, deceiving, and conning everyone into believing that they were unfortunate victims in their marriages. So much so that I retained an attorney and private investigator to gather evidence to protect myself from their attempts to slander, defame, and discredit me during the divorce process. It was a costly and time-consuming endeavor.

In speaking with my private investigator, I soon learned that my wife and her paramour were just downright stupid in their affair. He quickly gathered incriminating evidence of their sleepovers and sexual rendezvous excursions that any judge would see through their lies.

In the end, I realized, that as difficult as my wife’s betrayal and infidelity were, I was happy with the fact that as the betrayed “victim” in our marriage, I was free from the need to lie to everyone about who I was, what I did, and who I had become. My wife would never be able to free herself from the lies she has sewn until she came clean, apologized, made restitution, and committed to making reparations for all whom she had betrayed.

In 1983, the band known as the Thompson Twins released a hit song called, “Lies”. Some of the words from the song’s lyrics ring true about my wife’s infidelity:

“You told me you loved me
So I don’t understand
Why promises are snapped in two
And words are made to bend”

…Do I have to catch you out
To know what’s on your mind?
Well, Cleopatra died for Egypt
What a waste of time

White ones and red ones
And some you can’t disguise
Twisted truth and half the news
Can’t hide it in your eyes

…You say you’ll try harder
But I think it’s just too late
Well, the car is revving in the drive
And I’m not the sort to wait

The bigger, the better
Some nicked from old Saigon
Collected from around the world
Love lies on and on and on and on and on and

Lies, lies, lies, yeah (they’re gonna get you)
Lies, lies, lies, yeah (they won’t forget you)
Lies, lies, lies, yeah (they’re gonna get you)
Lies, lies, lies, yeah (oh, you know I know)…”

As sad as it is, my wife’s repeated affairs started with lies and continued forward with lies. Lies are now all she can give from her lying heart. Yeah, lies, lies, lies yeah. I am happy to be supported by the truth and free from her lies. I am sorry we are all left to sort through the lies and damage done to our family.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.