(The following article is a contributed article obtained through an interview.)

After almost 20 years of my so-called “bad marriage”, I realized maybe there was more to it being bad than I wanted to admit. The problem was, I was having an affair and getting divorced so I didn’t bother to see what made my marriage bad.

At the time, I was married and had a few children and was tired, worn down, and annoyed by my wife’s constant needs and my children not meeting my expectations. My wife and I were going to marriage counseling together but my heart wasn’t in it. In all reality, my heart hadn’t been on making my marriage work for some time.

I was a successful professional with an advanced education. I made good money, owned a home in a nice neighborhood and community, had a good education, worked for a reputable healthcare facility, and was respected. (I even had the means to lease a sporty car that started to mean more to me than my family.)

I spent my days focused on my career, savings, and my car. I was middle-aged and life was moving forward for me but my family seemed to be a big drag on my life. I hadn’t enjoyed being home with them for some time so I went out of my way to be at work. My wife was always stressed and wanted me to spend time with her and help with our children, cook, and clean the house. It seemed she was never content with what I provided for the family — at least not enough to just let me provide while she took care of our children and home. I just wasn’t happy so I started having an affair.

A few months into our sexual relationship, I tried to call off my affair but my mistress was relentless in keeping our affair going. I came up with several excuses to “temporarily” cool our affair down. In the end, I said I needed more time with my children. My mistress begrudgingly acquiesced but by then it was too late. My wife found out about my affair and that is when I started to realize what I had done. My wife kicked me out of my home so it freed my time up to be with my adultery partner.

Finally, after the “affair” fun started to wear off, I realized how much I missed my wife and children. They weren’t as bad as I thought. I tried to reconcile with my wife and children but it was too hard. My wife set expectations that she wouldn’t work on reconciliation unless my mistress was out of the picture forever. While I missed my wife and children, I wasn’t quite ready to give up sex with my mistress.

Two years later, looking back, I am divorced from my ex-wife and reluctantly married to my affair partner. My ex-wife is also married and has moved on. I’ve moved on too but am haunted by what could have been. I am haunted by my selfish ignorance. I blamed my wife and children for my unhappiness. My married life with my former affair partner is more complicated, stressful, and unhappy than my first marriage. On top of it all, my children know that I betrayed them and their mother. They also resent that I married my adultery partner. My new spouse’s children are also not too fond of me for tearing their family apart.

It only took me 20 years to realize that I had started blaming my wife and children for my unhappiness when it was me. I blamed them for making me unhappy. I indulged in pornography because it helped me feel like a man. I started an affair to show what a man I am and now I am divorced. That is what I am. I am an unfaithful and divorced man. My “bad marriage” was really me just being “bad in marriage” and no one else’s fault other than my own. Unfortunately, I started my second marriage in a bad way (i.e.; an affair) and may be on my way to a second bad marriage and divorce if I don’t figure things out soon.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! There is hope if you are a spouse who has betrayed your marriage’s trust, love, and fidelity! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy and groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you want to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.