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The 7 Questions You Need to Answer Before Jumping into an Affair

So, are you looking at starting an affair? Is your marriage not what you thought it would be? Lots of stress and unmet expectations? Dreams and aspirations not fully realized? Is your spouse expecting too much of you? Got children and tired of the responsibility?

If real life doesn’t suit you, take a minute to consider what indulging in an affair might do to you and those you should love and respect. Below are a few basic questions to consider prior to starting an affair.

1. What do you expect to gain from having an affair? What did you expect of your marriage that isn’t fulfilling your expectations?

  • I expect to be happy
  • Have more sex
  • Find a new love
  • Just have an uncommitted sexual relationship
  • To eventually get divorced
  • Stay in my marriage and just keep the affair secret
  • To be more comfortable than I am now

Research, studies, and common sense show:

  • Adultery is not a victimless crime. It never has been a victimless crime. A person who commits adultery for self-serving reasons often blames his or her legitimate partner for cheating, the ‘discovery of the affair,’ in the mind of the adulterer, has no “innocent victims.” The thinking goes that one’s legitimate partner is also at fault (she/he wouldn’t have sex, communicate nicely, spend money responsibly, etc.). The truth is otherwise; the only person to blame for the cheating is the philanderer. Everyone else in the immediate family, as well as extended family members and friends, are undeservedly victims.
  • “Extramarital affairs are burdened with secrecy, clandestine elements, and the fear of being discovered. Paradoxically, these factors fuel the affairs and make it difficult to get out. As the affair continues for a long time, the person is left to grapple with the consequences of what happens next and whether to come clean or not,” said Dr. Khemani
  • The repercussions of an extramarital affair can be extremely damaging to your mental health. You could end up seeing yourself as a culprit and take the blame for everything that goes wrong.

2. What are you willing to give up to have an affair?

  • My marriage
  • The way my life is now
  • My family and time with my children
  • Whatever it takes to find happiness

Research, studies, and common sense show:

  • Infidelity is one of the top-cited reasons couples decide to get divorced. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), infidelity in the United States accounted for 20–40 percent of divorces. Some sources suggest it may be as high as 70%.
  • Among ever-married adults who have cheated on their spouses before, 40% are currently divorced or separated. By comparison, only 17% of adults who were faithful to their spouse are no longer married. On the flip side, only about half of “cheaters” are currently married, compared with 76% of those who did not cheat. (IF Studies)
  • According to a study published by the National Institutes of Health (NIH), one partner in 88% of couples studied cited infidelity as a major contributing factor.
  • In a Gallup poll, researchers noted that more than half of partners say they would leave their spouse and get a divorce if they found out their spouse was having an affair.

3. Do you plan on marrying the person you have an affair with?

  • Maybe. Not sure yet.
  • I am just looking for some emotional and sexual connection
  • I may marry them but will have to see how it goes
  • No, it’s just for fun

Research, studies, and common sense show:

  • As Dr. Jordan Peterson so appropriately puts it in his book, The 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote for Chaos, “You do not have a life with someone when you have an affair with them. You have an endless array of desserts… You see each other under the best possible conditions… An affair is not helpful, and people end up hurt. Particularly children — and it is to them that we owe primary allegiance.
  • ”While conclusive research and studies still seem sparse on this matter, the probability of an affair ending in marriage is very, very low — between three and five percent, and many join the 75 percent of second marriages that fail, a rate half again as high as first marriages. While fewer than 25 percent of adulterers leave a marriage for an affair partner, according to one source, most of those relationships are statistically extremely unlikely to endure. Combined sources of studies suggest that only 1–3% achieve stability and happiness.
  • Relationships that last are based on mature love, which values responsibility. If one of you can’t own up to your mistakes, you’ll always be blaming someone or something else when things go wrong. If you do marry, time will tell if you will be the happy 1–3% that transition from an affair to a happy, long-term marriage.

4. Do you think sharing sex partners as part of an affair is fair to your spouse and the parent of your children?

  • It’s my choice and has nothing to do with my spouse or children
  • Maybe not but I am not happy
  • My affair will not be sexual
  • We will practice safe sex in our affair

Research, studies, and common sense show:

  • New data published by the CDC estimate that on any given day in 2018, 1 in 5 people in the U.S. had a sexually transmitted infection (STI).
  • Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) — or sexually transmitted infections (STIs) — are generally acquired by sexual contact. The bacteria, viruses, or parasites that cause sexually transmitted diseases may pass from person to person in blood, semen, or vaginal and other bodily fluids.
  • STIs don’t always cause symptoms. It’s possible to contract sexually transmitted infections from people who seem perfectly healthy and may not even know they have an infection.
  • Each year there are an estimated 374 million new infections with 1 of 4 STIs: chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, and trichomoniasis. (World Health Organization)
  • More than 30 different bacteria, viruses, and parasites are known to be transmitted through sexual contact. Eight of these pathogens are linked to the greatest incidence of sexually transmitted diseases. Of these, 4 are currently curable: syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and trichomoniasis. The other 4 are incurable viral infections: hepatitis B, herpes simplex virus (HSV or herpes), HIV, and human papillomavirus (HPV). (World Health Organization)

5. Have you thought about how the news of your affair will impact your spouse, children, family, and friends?

  • No, but I will just keep it a secret
  • My family already knows I am not happy
  • It doesn’t matter at this point
  • My family will understand

Research, studies, and common sense show:

  • 75% of children experience lingering feelings of betrayal toward their cheating parent, 80% say that infidelity shapes their outlook on romance and relationships, and 70% describe infidelity as affecting their general trust in others. (Ana Nogales’ book, Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults Are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful)
  • Parental infidelity can cause most children to question everything that they thought was real or true about their family. This can bring on depression and anxiety. “Infidelity can have a detrimental psychological effect on kids and lead to a dysfunctional family, which can then disrupt their life and hamper their potential,” Tatyana Dyachenko, a sexual and relationship therapist stated.
  • When a parent is unfaithful, it can make children wonder what’s real — and what’s not. “When a parent is unfaithful, it can cause a child to question the stability they felt at home,” Dr. Cassandra LeClair, Ph.D., a relationship expert and author of “Being Whole: Healing from Trauma and Reclaiming My Voice” stated.
  • In Ana Nogales’ book, Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults Are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful, she writes: “Regardless of their age, children whose parents have been unfaithful often react with intense feelings of anger, anxiety, guilt, shame, sadness, and confusion. They may act out, regress, or withdraw. They may even feel pressured to win back the love of the unfaithful parent or to become the caretaker of the betrayed parent.”
  • “With all these messages we’re giving to our children, our (future) society will be different,” said Ana Nogales, clinical psychologist, and author.” “What is important is to create awareness that cheating in the marriage or a serious relationship is not just something about the two people, but it may affect, at some point, the whole family. So when people think ‘This doesn’t involve my children. It has nothing to do with my children,’ they’re lying to themselves. When this is known, the children are seriously affected.”
  • Nogales believes children are most dramatically affected by infidelity through the loss of trust — which doesn’t always happen with divorce. “(A parent) is supposed to be the person a child can trust more than anyone else,” she said. “When one parent betrays another, it’s a supreme breach of trust. Most of the children felt that they were betrayed by the parent, too.”
  • “(Infidelity) is a terrible disillusion that says ‘One of my parents was profoundly dishonest to my other parent. And if they’re so dishonest with the parent, why would they be more honest with their kids?” he said. “You begin to question the foundations of your relationships.”

6. Did you know that most marriages that start as affairs fail?

  • I don’t care. It’s just sex.
  • My affair will be different
  • I can make it work
  • My current marriage is failing so what do I have to lose?

Research, studies, and common sense show:

  • Dr. Jan Halper noted that only three percent of men who engaged in extramarital affairs married their mistresses.
  • According to noted marriage counselor Dr. Frank Pittman, men who do marry their paramours have a divorce rate as high as 75%.
  • In infidelity research from the Zur Institute, it was found that most affairs don’t go beyond the “falling-in-love” phase and are short-term.
  • According to Dr. Frank Pittman, author of Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy and Elizabeth Landers, a second marriage that begins with infidelity will likely fail within two years. A second marriage that begins with infidelity probably will be heading to divorce within two years, according to Elizabeth Landers, who writes about marriage and family.

7. Did you know that children are dramatically impacted by parental infidelity?

  • They will get over it
  • That’s not true
  • My children are too young to understand
  • My children are old enough to understand
  • My affair will have nothing to do with my children

Research, studies, and common sense show:

If you are considering having an affair, hopefully, this article gives you pause to reconsider. If not, you have been forewarned about the serious life-changing implications of having an extra-marital affair and its impact on you, your spouse, and your children. We hope you choose wisely.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! There is hope if you are a spouse who has betrayed your marriage’s trust, love, and fidelity! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy and groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you want to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.

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