Let’s be honest, it is human nature to be curious. Curiosity has been one of humanity’s greatest resources. So, what makes a person go from naturally curious to morally ambiguous and cross the line to infidelity?

What is it that leads one to cheat or be unfaithful? How does one abandon their integrity and honor to pursue infidelity and betrayal? Are there common behavioral characteristics among cheaters and adulterers? What motivates a spouse to break marriage vows of fidelity? We don’t know exactly but there are some common traits.

Defining the human psyche and explaining human behaviors has been a goal of psychologists and researchers for decades now. Infidelity remains one of the most challenging areas of human behavior yet to be fully understood and explained.

Infidelity, an inherently selfish behavior, has been analyzed by researchers to help us understand why people cheat in their relationships. Why do people who have generally been faithful for years or even decades one day cross a line they never thought they would cross into infidelity or adultery? Why do they decide to cheat and be unfaithful?

Infidelity, in its most basic form, is breaking a promise and commitment to remain faithful to a spouse or romantic partner. Some promises and obligations may be made as part of marriage vows, a private or sacred agreement between spouses, or an unspoken assumption.

As unconscionable as the notion of breaking such commitments may be at the time they are made, infidelity is unfortunately all too common, and when it happens, it raises extremely difficult questions:

• Can trust be rebuilt with my unfaithful partner?
• Should I stay?
• Should I just move on given my spouse’s infidelity and betrayal?
• Will my spouse cheat again?
• Can I ever trust my spouse again to be faithful and honorable?

Most people are aware of the costs of cheating in a relationship, particularly in a marriage. Betrayal can lead to divorce and parental disruption, and infidelity can be a predictor of depression, anxiety, and domestic violence. In surveys of individuals who have cheated, falling out of love, seeking variety, and feeling neglected were the most commonly cited reasons, followed by situational forces, a desire to raise self-esteem, and anger with a partner.

People Cheat Because…

For the cheater or adulterer, infidelity can be exciting, seductive, and even sexy. Their infidelity can temporarily bring feelings of renewal, rejuvenation, happiness, and joy. While in the act of infidelity, the cheater or adulterer is in denial of their betrayal and may not even recognize that their infidelity could be the end of their marriage or love. They lie and deceive themselves.

While personality traits and the dynamic of relationships play key roles, there is a lot of speculation on why people cheat. Anger and resentment in the relationship, dominant polyamory traits, low level of commitment, body image, low self-esteem, confidence issues, or stressors in life such as illness and financial difficulty from which people seek an escape; can all play a role in cheating.

In 2005, researchers Tricia Orzeck and Esther Lung conducted a study where participants voluntarily answered a questionnaire on personality traits about themselves and their monogamous partners. The study findings proved there is a significant difference between cheaters and non-cheaters when it comes to the Big Five model of personality traits.

In a 2018 study, data from two separate studies looked at the personality traits and relationship dynamics of newly married couples. Both studies lasted three years in length and examined the associations between personality and infidelity. Results of this study showed these were the couples who were most likely to experience infidelity in their marriage:

• Husbands partnered with a wife who had high neuroticism and/or extroversion traits were more likely to be unfaithful.
• Husbands partnered with a wife who had high narcissism traits were more likely to be unfaithful.
• Wives with high extroversion traits were more likely to be unfaithful.
• Wives partnered with a husband who had high neuroticism and/or extroversion traits were more likely to be unfaithful.

The results of the study suggest that a person’s personality traits aren’t enough to determine their likelihood of infidelity. Infidelity requires an in-depth look at both the personality traits of each person in the relationship as well as the dynamic between them.

That said, psychologists have narrowed down some of the most common reasons people give for cheating on their spouses, which include:

• Attention-seeking: not feeling fulfilled in a current relationship or having emotional or physical needs met.
• Boredom and insecurity: feeling insecure about yourself, needing validation, or wanting a “thrill,” even if it comes from self-destructive behaviors such as cheating.
• Poor self-control or not feeling committed to the relationship: impulsive behaviors, not thinking about the consequences of your actions, and lacking commitment to your current romantic partner.
• Selfishness or anger: putting your needs above your partner’s needs, not caring if your actions hurt those around you, or wanting some form of “punishment” for your partner.

Based on past research, men have typically been more likely than women to cheat or report having done so, but researchers have noticed a shift in recent years. Among adults under 30 who have been married, women report having committed infidelity at a slightly higher rate than men.

In the end, these motives vary from how they view themselves to how they view their relationship and the context of the situation. With infidelity, there is very rarely just one factor involved. It’s never just about a person’s personality traits or the dynamic in the relationship — it’s a combination of personality, events, circumstances, and choices. No matter the reasoning or cause, infidelity is damaging to all involved — especially children.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.