What happens when an affair and the adulterous relationship ends? Statistically speaking, most affairs do not end in a marriage for the affair couple. In fact, affairs that end in marriage are very rare.

As Jordan Peterson so appropriately puts it in his book, The 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote for Chaos, “You do not have a life with someone when you have an affair with them. You have an endless array of desserts… You see each other under the best possible conditions… An affair is not helpful, and people end up horribly hurt. Particularly children — and it is to them that we owe primary allegiance.”

Typically, affairs will last as long as it suits the cheaters’ purpose. Some affairs last hours, while others last a lifetime. Research suggests an average affair lasts two years while others suggest they last between 6–18 months.

For cheaters who are considering leaving their marriage for their affair partner, issues of trust will most likely become serious and constant considerations down the road. Most spouses who leave their marriages for their affair partners have made life-changing sacrifices — both personally and regarding their families. Their sacrifice includes enduring public and personal shame, resentment, and uncertainty. Most of these sacrifices are unwittingly self-inflicted.

Affairs burn hot and then out because they require secrecy, deceit, lies, and betrayal. Affairs require a sacrifice of one’s integrity. Affairs survive more on what each partner withdraws from the relationship rather than what they deposit or invest.

The probability of an affair ending in marriage is very, very low. Some data and research suggest it is between three and five percent. Others suggest it is five to seven percent. While fewer than 25 percent of adulterers (i.e. cheaters) leave a marriage for an affair partner, most of those relationships are statistically unlikely to endure. Second marriages that begin as affairs typically fall into the “75 percent chance of divorce” category. This research suggests that marriages that start as affairs have only a fractional chance of stability and happiness.

Adultery and affair partners are far more likely to get what they want from the affair and move on. Their commitment only goes as far as the convenience and thrill of the experience. There is a growing body of research and evidence that infidelity is increasing and contributing to the rise in divorce. In general, infidelity is not leading to marriages that begin as affairs. Most marriages that last are not built on infidelity or affairs. Most marriages that begin as affairs end in divorce or another affair.

Cheating is a relationship destroyer. The goal of a cheater is to deceive and get gain while also avoiding getting caught. The cheater typically gets out of their affair more than they put into it. The very elements that create an exciting and intoxicating affair are the fuel that consumes the relationship when it becomes a marriage. This is because the affair is fueled by lust and not love. Such marriages begin on extremely weak foundations eventually collapsing under the strain of everyday life. When affairs are at their peak, the ‘adultery’ partners are blinded to the inevitability that the ‘romance consumes itself’ because it is based on lust rather than love. Those caught up in the lust of an affair nearly always imagine that they are the exceptions to an established pattern of human affairs. They are almost always wrong.

Issues of lost trust and integrity are a common theme with married former affair partners. The resulting distrust is a natural byproduct of relationships borne out of lies, deceit, betrayal, and infidelity. Furthermore, recent research also suggests that those who have cheated in marriage or romantic relationships previously are three times more likely to cheat again.

Affairs Generally Do Not Lead to Marriage

According to Dr. Frank Pittman, author of Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy and Elizabeth Landers, a second marriage that begins with infidelity will likely fail within two years. A second marriage that begins with infidelity probably will be heading to divorce within two years, according to Elizabeth Landers, who writes about marriage and family. Of course, there are no guarantees second marriages that begin as affairs will fail but the available research and data strongly support such outcomes.

Experts say children who learn about parental infidelity react similarly to children whose parents divorce, except the emotional responses to cheating are more profound and can have a greater, longer-lasting impact.

Relationships that are meaningful and lasting are based on deep and mature love, which values responsibility. If one of you can’t own up to your mistakes, you’ll always be blaming someone or something else when things go wrong. If they do marry, time will tell if they will be the happy 1% that transition from an affair to a happy, long-term marriage.

Once a Cheater Always a Cheater?

Some recent studies and research project that 30 to 60% of all married individuals in the U.S. will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage. This translates into nearly 80% of all American marriages being impacted by cheating at some point.

In a study from the University of Denver, published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers had nearly 500 people answer questions about at least two different romantic relationships. Of the research participants, 44 percent reported having sex with someone outside of their current relationship during their study.

People who had cheated before were much more prone to unfaithfulness. Those who cheated in their first relationship were three times (3x) more likely to cheat again. So it may not be that people are learning from their mistakes, instead, they may just be getting used to their bad behavior. If you do it once and come to terms with it as something you do, then it may just not seem so bad the next time that you do it.

Interestingly enough, the study finding is also backed up by past research. A 2016 study found that among people who had cheated in former relationships, 30 percent cheated on their current partners. That’s compared to only 13 percent of those who had never been unfaithful at all.

Key Takeaways

With the odds against affairs and adultery ending in marriage for cheating couples, what do they do when their infidelity leads them to divorce? What do their dating and future marriage prospects look like? How do they explain their infidelity and adultery to their dates and potential future spouses? Are they honest about their infidelity in their past marriage or do they need to lie about it?

Do most of their dates and potential future spouses feel confident in their character to believe they would be faithful in a future marriage even though statistically speaking cheaters are three times more likely to cheat again in marriage than those who have never cheated? How difficult will it be for former cheaters to find someone willing to accept them and their increased risk of infidelity as future spouses when they have already proven unfaithful and untrustworthy?

The reality is, that those who engage in infidelity and the destruction of their romantic or marital relationships have essentially tainted their futures and their character. Marriages are built on love, trust, respect, and integrity. Those who engage in affairs and infidelity have proven they can’t be trusted, or respected, and are without integrity.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.