(The following article is a contributed article obtained through an interview.)

If I am honest with myself, I am not proud of my porn addiction. The problem is, since I got into porn, I am rarely honest with myself or anyone else. It is shameful but very addictive.

I didn’t realize it at the time but my porn addiction hurt my wife in so many ways. I hid it for a long time and then when she found out about it I denied it and then just excused it. She was upset but I just didn’t care or bother to understand why. The truth is, I didn’t care what she thought about it. My life and job were stressful and I needed an outlet. My job was a frontline job where I dealt with life-and-death situations all the time. Porn helped take the edge off and relaxed me.

After some time, I started to dream about other women. I had lucid dreams of other women. My fantasies were liberating and erotic. They were just fantasies so I didn’t feel guilty at the time.

Years into my porn addiction and lucid fantasy dreams, it all came to a dramatic climax. I started an affair with an older married woman. The affair was exciting and my mistress allowed me to pleasure myself with little emotional connection and commitment. I was living the life. Porn. Lucid fantasies and dreams. Adultery with my mistress. Sex with my wife. It seemed to be a good life until it wasn’t.

My wife finally caught me in my adultery. I guess I wanted to be caught because I wasn’t deleting my communications with my mistress. My wife found my Facebook messages with my mistress and that was the end of my marriage. I realized then it was all over. I panicked and ran to my mistress. My divorce soon followed as did my mistress’s divorce.

I still struggle with porn. It was my gateway drug to adultery. I ignored it at the time but I see it now that my ex-wife was damaged by my porn addiction. It hurt her self-esteem. The sad irony is, I would have never accepted her viewing porn but for some reason I expected her to be okay with my porn addiction. I simply didn’t care what she thought or how it made her feel. I can only hope that my children never view pornography or become addicted to it as I have become.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.