(The following article is a contributed article obtained through an interview.)

Many of us recall the awkwardness of sports in school, at the park, or in the neighborhood where teams were decided one player at a time. We waited in anticipation to be chosen as the team captains would select their team. It seemed to be a privilege to be chosen first and an embarrassment to be chosen last.

Life often mimics sports but not in affairs and infidelity. Sometimes spouses prefer to be the last choice. I wouldn’t have believed that to be the case until I realized my wife was insecure and desperate enough to be chosen last by her affair partner.

A few years ago, my wife entered into her mid-40s suffering from insecurities she never seemed willing to address. She refused professional counseling and support and “pretended” she was fine. As our children began leaving for college her insecurities grew. She immersed herself in community, church, and civil service but that only seemed to distract her from her growing insecurities and fear. She was looking for “stability” from the world around her but lacked the fortitude to focus on mental and emotional stability from within.

Over time, she began seeking validation from other men which turned into flirtatious encounters. She started to wear revealing clothing and spend time with other men at the club. Eventually, she found a married man who was equally insecure and unstable. Their affair went on for months before I learned of it. During that time, my wife would be distant, irrational, emotional, irritable, and then extremely sexual with me. She would sneak into bed naked curl up next to me and initiate sex. Her irrational behavior concerned me but she refused seeking or accepting professional help so she continued to spiral downward. I couldn’t save her.

Once I learned of her affair I realized just how far she had spiraled before she crashed. Her crash reverberated throughout our family and the family of her adultery partner. A few years later most of our children are in therapy. It took the crash and two divorces for my now ex-wife to finally seek the mental help she needed years earlier. Her adultery partner soon followed her to therapy as have his children too.

In reality, her adultery partner chose her last. When he saw how the scaffolding of his, his children, and his wife’s life fell he went back to them. They eventually rejected his return so he turned his attention back to my ex-wife. He chose her after his family rejected him. My wife tried to come back to me and our children but she was lost and rejected. My ex-wife chose infidelity and in doing so rejected her family. He chose my ex-wife last. What a team they make now. Both rejected and stuck with each other wondering if they would ever be each other’s first choice. Such is the life of the unfaithful and uncommitted. Now our children are left to suffer through the drama of their bad choices.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.