(The following article is a contributed article obtained through an interview.)

Even though my divorce happened some time ago, my thoughts occasionally wander back to how my marriage ended. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t miss my marriage or my ex-spouse for that matter. The last few years with her were a living hell but I am getting ahead of myself.

My spouse cheated on me, our marriage, and our children. I accepted it and forgave my spouse and hoped to move on and did for a while but my spouse was never quite the same. Years later, my spouse repeated her infidelity through another affair. I tried to work through her infidelity until I realized my spouse was too deep and too mentally and emotionally gone to reconcile.

The toll my wife’s infidelity took on her was sad to witness. She was once a very vibrant and faithful wife but her secret life as a mistress had taken a toll on her. Who she once was no longer existed. She was shallow and self-consumed. She neglected our children in favor of being with her affair partner.

I’ve since divorced my ex-spouse and have moved on. The journey of forgiving my ex-spouse has been very difficult but necessary to move forward. I have since spent significant time retrospectively assessing my journey and recovery. While I didn’t enjoy being betrayed by my ex-spouse, I would much rather be the “betrayed” than the “betrayer”.

I occasionally run into my ex-spouse. We don’t talk but I often see a mix of emotions in her eyes and face when I do. The mix includes shame, regret, and indignation. She puts on the appearance that she is happy but there are significant signs she struggles with who she is, what she did, and what she gave up.

I was very hurt and even damaged by my ex-spouse’s betrayal. It felt like I had been punched so hard that I would never be able to catch my breath again. It felt as if I would only struggle for air from that time forward. Even when it seemed I finally caught my breath it felt like the world around me had changed — even morphed. The air itself seemed dark and heavy and I struggled to breathe when the reality of my marriage’s end hit me.

As horrible as it was being betrayed, I am grateful to be the betrayed and not the betrayer. My ex-spouse is riddled with guilt, shame, pain, and bitterness. My ex-spouse lives in constant guilt, shame, and sorrow.

I have since spent time with other spouses who are undergoing counseling to work through being betrayed as well as those who betrayed their spouses. Most agree that they would rather be betrayed than be the betrayer — if for no other reason than the guilt, sorrow, and shame are different. Being a betrayer is the ultimate trespass and imprisons the betrayer in chains of self-doubt, sadness, bitterness, blame-shifting, and guilt.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.