(The following article is a contributed article obtained through an interview.)

Not long after my wife’s affair was discovered, she started to tell our children and others that we should never have married. (At the time, my wife and I had been married for about 20 years and had several children.) When her affair became public she started to see how uncomfortable her affair made others so she started a blame-transference campaign.

Given how my wife’s infidelity hurt our children, family, and friends, my wife felt she needed to excuse and justify her infidelity and the betrayal of our family. As is human nature, she resorted to lying about the nature of her affair, our family, her upbringing, etc. She first tested the waters with her parents, siblings, and friends with a story of how “our marriage was abusive”. Most saw through her lie and some even called her out on it. Our children confronted her about her gossip and lies so she recanted.

She then started a rumor that I was not a good father or involved in my children’s lives. This lie too was short-lived. Next, she started saying our marriage was a “hard marriage” and that she married too young. She blamed her parents for raising her a certain way and not being “advocates” for her.

While she slandered and defamed me she seemed oblivious to its impact on our children, her parents, her siblings, my family, our friends, and our church congregation. She was so caught up in excusing herself of her betrayal and infidelity that she was blinded to the collateral damage she was causing our children.

As my children shared some of their fear, sorrow, shame, and sadness over her lies and infidelity, it became apparent to me that my wife’s excuses had caused them so much anxiety and insecurity that they questioned the value and efficacy of marriage and commitment. One of our children said they wouldn’t get married unless their spouse signed a prenuptial. Another of our children said they didn’t think it was possible to know someone before marrying them and felt they would likely not marry because they believed betrayal was inevitable.

As I spent time with our children, the common factor in their fear and anxiety was their mom’s claim that our marriage was a mistake. What she was saying without fully recognizing it was our children was a mistake. Her claim that we shouldn’t have married meant by logical extension that they shouldn’t have been born. I was horrified and sickened that our children would ever feel like they were a mistake. I told them, “No, you were not a mistake. You are loved. You are the greatest gift and blessing in my life. You are not a mistake.”

Because I was in the process of divorcing my wife at the time, I wasn’t able to discuss it more with my children but I hoped they would understand how much they were loved and that their mother’s infidelity and destructive behavior was hers to own and no one else. Their mother’s selfishness and lies compounded during the divorce and continued to divide our children, her parents, her siblings, and our friends.

My wife’s need to justify herself in her extramarital affair and infidelity hurt our children in so many ways. In the end, we divorced and my wife pursued her married adultery partner. She eventually married him after he divorced his wife and left his children. We are a few years into our “new family reality” and our family remains damaged and distant. My now ex-wife has since recanted her claim that we should never have married but it was too late and the damage was done.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.