Once you boil it down to the basics, extramarital affairs are more often than not, little more than a distraction from a larger issue or problem. When you evaluate the research that is available, and admittedly there isn’t a satisfactory level of research to be gleaned from, affairs do not yield great success. This begs the question, “What is the purpose of an extramarital affair and how do those in affairs measure if it was a success?”

Married spouses engage in extramarital affairs for different reasons but they generally fall into the following categories:

1. Variation — Provide emotional and sexual variation from a committed spouse and monogamous marriage
2. Revenge and jealousy — Get even with a spouse or make them jealous
3. Mistake or Unplanned — A simple mistake (an unplanned or a one-time event)
4. The Final Chapter — Ending a marriage
5. Distraction — Running away from a marital problem

Based on some research studies, affairs have a 97% failure rate. This seems very high but when you factor in what many would argue is success, it really is a small percentage that ends successfully.

Let’s break down what a successful affair is. Let’s suppose that a successful affair means achieving one or more of the following outcomes:

1. Permanent long-term relationship with an affair partner
2. Marriage to the affair partner
3. Ending a marriage

There are of course some who would argue that an extramarital affair may be determined successful if it provides emotional support or even sexual satisfaction for the cheating spouse. However, these would arguably be short-term at best given the secrecy that almost all affairs rely on.

According to Dr. Jan Halper, just three percent (3%) of men who had extramarital affairs actually wed their mistresses. Said a different way, for every 100 extramarital affairs, only three will ever end in a marriage between the cheaters.

Available research suggests fewer than 25 percent (25%) of cheaters leave their marriage for an affair partner. Most of those marriages that begin as affairs join the 75 percent of second marriages that fail. That said, the probability of affairs ending in marriage is very low. The research and estimates available suggest it is somewhere between three and five percent. Some research suggests it is actually closer to five to seven percent. Regardless, the likelihood of affairs successfully ending in marriage remains very low.

According to Elizabeth Landers, who writes about marriage and family, a second marriage that begins with infidelity will likely fail within two years. Of course, there are no guarantees second marriages that begin as affairs will fail. However, the available research and data strongly support such outcomes. Other research suggests most marriages that begin as affairs don’t survive past five years.

Dr. Frank Pittman, the noted psychiatrist, and author, and many others have conjectured about why almost all affairs falter and fail to produce lasting and healthy marriages or romantic relationships. Many of those reasons also follow those rare cases when an affair ends in marriage and cause their demise.

Cheating Marriages

By definition, cheating is acting dishonestly or unfairly to gain an advantage. Marital or romantic relationship cheating is the breaking of a promise made to a spouse or partner by having an intimate relationship or sex with someone else. Cheating and infidelity are similar. Infidelity is the act or fact of having a romantic or sexual relationship with someone other than one’s husband, wife, or partner — unfaithfulness to a moral obligation. It is disloyalty and dishonor. Cheating is the ultimate romantic relationship violation of trust, fidelity, honor, and integrity.

For cheaters who left their marriage and married their affair partner, issues of trust will most likely become serious and constant considerations during their marriage. Most spouses who left their marriages for their affair partners have made life-changing sacrifices — both personally and regarding their families. Their sacrifice includes enduring public and personal shame, resentment, and uncertainty.

Issues of lost trust and integrity are a common theme with married former affair partners. The resulting distrust is a natural byproduct of relationships borne out of lies, deceit, betrayal, and infidelity. Furthermore, recent research also suggests that those who have cheated in marriage or romantic relationships previously are three times more likely to cheat again.

Cheaters are More Than Three Times (3x) More Likely to Cheat Again

In a study from the University of Denver, published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers had nearly 500 people answer questions about at least two different romantic relationships. Of the research participants, 44 percent reported having sex with someone outside of their current relationship during their study.

People who had cheated before were much more prone to unfaithfulness. Those who cheated in their first relationship were three times (3x) more likely to cheat again. So it may not be that people are learning from their mistakes, instead, they may just be getting used to their bad behavior. If you do it once and come to terms with it as something you do, then it may just not seem so bad the next time that you do it.

Interestingly enough, the study finding is also backed up by past research. A 2016 study found that among people who had cheated in former relationships, 30 percent cheated on their current partners. That’s compared to only 13 percent of those who had never been unfaithful at all.

Key Takeaways

Most cheaters feel guilty about cheating on their spouses. In addition, they feel like they aren’t true to their own set of morals, even if their partner never finds out. They may feel like they can’t stop themselves, but they’re still tortured by what they’re doing. For many, conscience can serve as an important brake on infidelity and a lesson for learning from infidelity. (By contrast, cheaters with more sociopathic traits won’t feel much guilt for their actions which means they are more likely to take advantage of the next opportunity that presents itself.)

For marriages that begin as affairs, both spouses already know that each is capable of infidelity, deceit, lies, and betrayal. Is it surprising that most affairs do not end in marriage and those rare ones that do end in marriage don’t end well? Cheaters who bet their life and happiness on being in the three percent group, when factoring in the 75% divorce rate for second marriages, are essentially in the one percent (1%) survival group from ‘affair to second marriage’ success.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who have been negatively impacted by adultery, affairs, and infidelity. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.