(The following is a contributed article obtained through an interview.)

During my affair, my married affair partner and I discussed how our affair was proof of a fundamental flaw in our trustworthiness. We justified our infidelity but we couldn’t lie about it. The reality was, we were cheating on our spouses with each other. We waxed philosophical on how our relationship was a “higher relationship” than our marriages. I believed it.

Midway through our affair we did call off the affair and returned to our spouses but the trust that our spouses once had in us was gone and our hearts weren’t really on reconciliation and reparation. My affair partner and I eventually married in the aftermath of our divorces. We convinced ourselves of our “higher relationship” and even suggested it was a “spiritual relationship”. We were both members of the Christian faith and felt our infidelity was really a “spiritual connection”. (The mind is a funny thing when it can help you believe your own lies.)

As our families broke down in the wake of our affair and our eventual divorces and marriages, we lived our affair as if it was a marriage built on a higher purpose and meaning. The ironic thing is, our marriage was built upon the destruction of our previous marriages and on lies and deception. We had given up on our marriages for intimacy, sexual fantasies, and distraction. We didn’t parent our children during that time because we were caught up in our affairs and their higher purpose.

Once we achieved what we wanted, we were brought down abruptly from fantasy to reality. We believed we could trust each other in our marriage just as our spouses once believed they could trust us as well until they learned they couldn’t. The truth was, we wanted to believe we could trust each other but we knew we had both betrayed our spouses even though we convinced ourselves it was a “noble” betrayal. We had lied and cheated and now it was clear that the people we were when we cheated on our spouses were the same people we were when we entered our marriage. Nothing had changed other than we got what we wanted — each other. But for how long?

In the back of my head, I have this subtle but constant feeling that I can’t trust my new husband. He never says anything but I am confident that he now feels the same way. We mastered the art of deceit in our infidelity and now I can’t but think he might be unfaithful to me too. I wanted him and I was willing to do anything to get him and now that I have him I can’t help but wonder if he will eventually feel the same way about someone else someday.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.