(The following is a contributed article obtained through an interview.)

The week that I found out about my wife’s sexual affair was the week I learned that my life and our children’s lives would forever be altered and divided. I wasn’t ready for the weeks that followed either.

While I filed and moved forward with my divorce, my wife took the opportunity to tell me, our children, and others who learned of my wife’s adultery that her married affair partner and her were only dating before their divorces. Ironically, neither my wife nor her affair partner had informed us of the pending divorces. (In fact, my wife’s adultery partner backed out of divorcing his wife the first chance he had and dumped my wife.)

My wife and I sat down a few times before our divorce was finalized and she shared with me what “dating before divorce” meant to her. Our conversations went something like this:

Me: “What exactly does “dating before divorce” mean?”

My cheating wife: “It just means I was dating [adultery partner’s name withheld] before you and I and he and his wife divorced.”

Me: “Hmm. That is interesting since I didn’t know we were getting divorced and it doesn’t sound like his wife knew she was getting divorced while you were having your affair.”

My cheating wife: “We didn’t tell you.”

Me: “So, how can it be dating before divorce then if a divorce is not in process or both spouses haven’t been informed of your intent to divorce?”

My cheating wife: “Both marriages were over.”

Me: “They were only over if you both stopped being committed to your marriages. Your so-called “dating” was adultery, not dating. It is called infidelity or cheating.”

My cheating wife: “It was just dating. An emotional affair of the heart.”

Me: “Sex isn’t an emotional affair only. It is a sexual affair or adultery.”

My cheating wife: “It wasn’t sexual.”

Me: “Really?!”

My cheating wife: “No, it wasn’t!”

Me: “So, the text messages that your affair partner’s wife found where you and your lover talk about your sexual affair is really just an emotional affair? Your sex and kissing are just emotional and not sexual?”

My cheating wife: “We didn’t have sex. It was just emotional. We just dated.”

Me: “So, in your texting, you both lied to each other about having sex with each other? All of your back-and-forth texting about having sex, kissing, and foreplay with each other was just a lie? It was just an emotional affair and dating?

My cheating wife: “No, I mean, yes. Our relationship isn’t physical or sexual.”

Me: “Even with irrefutable evidence proving you are lying, you won’t admit that you are lying. An affair is an affair. Whether emotional or sexual it is an affair. You both broke your marriage vows in your hearts, minds, and with your bodies. Infidelity is all about deceit, betrayal, selfishness, and lies. You lied to me and our children. You are still lying to yourself. You are a liar and a cheat. Our children deserve better from their mother. You have no integrity or honor in your actions. Your married lover deserves you and your deceit just as you deserve him and his deception. Now that your reputation is tarnished with infidelity and adultery, you both are left with your bad decisions, selfishness, and the repercussions. Good luck with reconciling that with yourself and everyone else.”

Our conversations generally ended with her excusing her actions and blaming others for her circumstances and affair. Two divorces later, the chaotic aftermath remains a constant for our children and the children of her lover.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.