(The following is a contributed article obtained through an interview.)

I was deadset on making my extramarital affair work. I loved my affair partner and was done with my marriage. My affair partner was married too but that was just a technicality. We were in love and that was all that mattered.

My affair partner told me how his children loved him and how his wife was abusive and unstable. I felt great sorrow for him and his children. I wanted to rescue them from a bad marriage and family environment.

As our affair developed, I promised my affair partner, “I will be a better mother to your children than their mother.” He seemed pleased but also a bit taken aback by my comment. I assured him I would win his children over to me and we would live happily ever after.

A few months later, reality hit us with so much force that it sent us both reeling for months. Our spouses found out about our affair. We huddled and figured out our strategy together. We would divorce our spouses and then get married and begin our beautiful journey together. We were perfect for each other. Our marriages had gone bad, despite our best efforts, so we made plans for our future together. Our children would be happier because we were so happy together.

Unfortunately, our divorces took about a year to finalize. Neither of us realized how complicated betrayal and adultery make marriage or divorce. We soon did though. I prepared my children to meet my affair partner and gloated about how great a father he would be to them. They didn’t want to meet him but they eventually would because I was the adult.

My affair partner planned a night out with his children so I could meet them. We went to an aquatic center and then home for homemade pizza. I put on my motherly charm to show them how nice I was and how I would be a better mother than their mother. They seemed distant and indifferent to me.

After months of activities with my affair partner’s children, they were no more than civil to me. It was clear they hated me. I was sure they would be happy with me as their new mom because their mom was so mean to them. It took months for me to realize that their mom was not anything like my affair partner had suggested. She was a busy and stressed mother but she wasn’t mean, violent, or abusive as he had led me to believe. In reality, her children loved her and hated me. They didn’t hate their dad but they no longer trusted him because of his manipulation and lies.

My affair partner and I did eventually marry. Looking back on it, my affair partner told me what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear that he needed me. I wanted to hear his children needed me. I wanted to hear that they needed me to rescue them from a bad marriage and family environment. My affair partner was running away from a spouse who he didn’t support at home or love as he should have. She was not the bad wife and mother he led me to believe. Or, as bad as I wanted to believe.

Imagine, I sought to be validated in my adultery by being told by my affair partner, a cheating spouse, he needed me to help ‘rescue’ him from his wife and his children from their mother. I believed I would be a better mother than their mother. Their mother was the foundation of their family and I was the vixen who took her away from them. I am now left wondering how stupid and ignorant I chose to be. My affair partner’s children absolutely hate me and I struggle to find a reason why they shouldn’t hate me for the rest of their lives.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.