(The following is a contributed article obtained through an interview.)

Marriages can suffer many traumas and devastations and still survive and thrive but some traumas and devastations are too much to overcome. In looking back at my failed “covenant marriage”, I realize that my marriage suffered two different ignominious deaths.

About fifteen years into our marriage, my wife was increasingly struggling with her decision to be a stay-at-home mother for our children and her personal decisions. She was raised in a home where her mother chose to be a stay-at-home mother and excelled at raising her large family. My wife greatly admired and tried to emulate her mother in many ways.

Initially, my wife was a good mother but increasingly suffered from lower self-esteem over time. She unfairly and mistakenly compared herself with other women and families. Her critical judgment of her parenting was unwarranted and an unfortunate cross for her to bear.

All of her self-esteem was erroneously tied to our family and children rather than her self-worth and value. On too many occasions, I tried to explain to her that her values and self-worth were within her and were not dependent on how successful we or our children were.

The First Death

One day, a recently divorced man moved next door to us and introduced himself to our family. He shared custody of his children with his ex-wife and he arranged with my wife, not me, times for my wife to watch his children when he was at work. This arrangement proved to be a significant pain point for our family.

Our children were young and needed rearing and attention but with the addition of our neighbor’s children at our home, we would have up to 8 children at our house. My wife, good intentions and all, was seeking to help our neighbor without any form of monetary compensation but at a tremendous toll on our family, children, and her mental state.

Our new neighbor also ended up attending our church so he and his family ended up being in almost every facet of our lives. His life, divorce, and drama became our life and drama. He took advantage of everything we could offer to him and his children. He borrowed one of our cars regularly, spent a lot of time with my wife, and left his children at our home as often as he could.

I soon learned that he was an opportunist and master manipulator. In time, a few of the men in our neighborhood also expressed concern about his flirting and the time he spent with their wives. He was quite good at playing his “divorced” card and asking for favors.

The women in the neighborhood took pity on him and he used it. Months later, we learned that he had started a sexual affair with one of the women in our church. I had caught him with my wife in questionable “infidelity” behavior as well. (As I mentioned, he was an opportunist so one woman and one affair didn’t seem to be enough for him.)

My wife denied having an affair with him and simply excused her behavior with him as “helping” him during a tough emotional period. Her “helping” him came at the expense of our children who complained often of his children being at our home and being a higher priority for her than they were.

I begged my wife to put our marriage and children first but she chose not to. Eventually, we found out just how far our neighbor’s manipulation went. He had schemed his way into many women’s hearts and beds. When my wife learned that her “relationship” with him wasn’t unique, she was ashamed but denied the extent of her betrayal of our marriage and children. (Ironically, my wife had made it a practice to delete her texts with him daily up to that point to ‘save storage space on her phone’.)

Although I had made it clear to our neighbor over the previous months that I didn’t want him to be over at our house without me home and to not take advantage of our kindness to him and his family, he continued taking advantage because my wife was blinded by his charm and needs. He had proven to be a very keen schemer.

During the following year, we worked on repairing our marriage. I eventually found a job out of state so we could move and put distance between us and our predatory neighbor.

The Second Death

For the next few years, I worked hard to repair our marriage. My wife’s infidelity had hurt me to my core but I believed we could work through her infidelity and have a great marriage again. At times, it seemed like we could have a great marriage again. My wife seemed to want to but over time her guilt and shame turned against her. She grew judgmental and angry. Her life wasn’t what it was supposed to be. She wanted to be someone else. We didn’t live up to her expectations. She grew more and more restless and angry with us.

Not long after our move, she started a small home business, serving more in our church, and volunteering in community events and activities. These lessened her anger but didn’t resolve her low self-esteem and growing insecurities. In time, she met a married man in our church who was also going through similar issues with his life and marriage. They eventually started an affair. They became emotionally and sexually entangled. They successfully hid their affair for months but it eventually came out and then our two families imploded.

My wife’s married affair partner quickly regretted his affair and abandoned my wife leaving me and our children to manage our lives with a broken wife and mother. However, my wife clung to her old affair partner even when he went back to his wife and family. She pursued him. They still met up and had sex even while he tried to work his marriage out with his wife. Eventually, his wife saw that their marriage, like her husband’s soul, was dead too.

I look back at my marriage and see good in it but I am also overwhelmed with a sense of deep and regrettable sadness for the deaths of our marriage. I do not regret the loss of my spouse but the loss of my children’s mother. The mother she was is not the mother she is now. They not only have to live with the loss of our ‘family’ but also with the loss of their mother.

Their new mother denies the truth and blames everyone and everything for her actions and what she gave up and took from our family. One of the most difficult memories I have is when our son told me that he knew his mom was never ‘coming back’ and he has unfortunately been correct.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.