(The following is a contributed article obtained through an interview.)

“We both knew our affair would have consequences and we accepted that,” said my wife. It struck me when she told me that she and her adultery partner had discussed their affair in such a cold and clinical manner. I knew she had started to justify her flirting with other men but would not have expected her to have started an affair with such callous disregard for me and our children.

My wife went on to tell me that her affair partner had discussed with her that there were only three outcomes to how their affair would be discovered:

1. They would both confess to their spouses about their affairs
2. Their affair would be discovered by their spouses
3. Their affair would be discovered by friends, colleagues, or family

In the end, he was half right. Their affair was discovered by his wife who then informed me of their affair.

However, when my wife was explaining to me how “mature” and “logical” she and her married lover were in accepting that they would eventually be caught in their sexual affair, she told me they would “willingly accept the consequences” for their affair. She told me this with confidence and conviction but they both had no idea what they had done or how hard and impactful it would be for them and their families.

Within days of their affair being public, they got such pushback from their children, family, and friends that they had to “rethink” their willingness to accept the consequences of their affair. Both my wife and her lover started a smear campaign against their spouses with their children, friends, and extended families:

1. Abuse and Bad Marriages Propaganda — They lied and created false narratives of how their marriages were bad and abusive.
2. Rewriting History — They claimed they had never been happy in their 20-year marriages and were “heroes” for staying in their bad marriages for their children for so long.
3. Removing and Hiding Evidence — They removed evidence on social media of events and images that contradicted their deceptive and false “new narratives” about their marriages.
4. They Used Sex to Manipulate — When they realized that their spouses had hired attorneys and private investigators, they colluded and tried reconciliation and sex to work out their marriages with their spouses. However, they were soon exposed as having colluded to destroy the evidence gathered against them by the private investigators for their spouses.
5. Alignment and Alienation — They began to indoctrinate their children with lies and deception to align their children in an effort to alienate them from their ‘betrayed’ spouses.

One of the many interesting things that happened is my wife and her married lover betrayed each other. Her lover begged his wife to take him back. He saw the financial impact his divorce would have on him and how his children didn’t trust him anymore. He told my wife his children needed him. His betrayal of my wife was only complete when he then turned on my wife and then betrayed her through his return to his wife.

However, even when my wife’s lover went back to his wife and children, he would still find time to meet up with my wife to have sex. Her self-esteem was so low and her willingness to continue her self-betrayal truly baffled me. In the end, they both lost their marriages. They were both “mature” and “logical” during the secrecy of their affair in discussing their accountability and willingness to accept the consequences of their adultery but when they had to truly face the consequences they lied, deceived, and manipulated. They refused to face the consequences of their actions and dragged both families through the mud. In the end, reality was not as easy to face as affair fantasy led them to believe.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.