This isn’t a casual topic or one we take lightly. In fact, it is a very serious and unfortunately grave topic on how to calculate the benefits and costs of infidelity. While the CHADIE Foundation has conducted some inquiries and research on this topic, we have yet to find any rigorous research on the matter.

It’s clear that infidelity is widespread and that it has varying consequences. The faithful spouse, who has been betrayed, often finds it incredibly difficult to forgive and to trust again, along with suffering depression, a loss of confidence, and more. The unfaithful or cheating spouse can feel prolonged shame, guilt, and increased anxiety about the impact their infidelity has on their marriage.

The following extract is from a research article published in the “International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health” journal. In the article titled “Love and Infidelity: Causes and Consequences,” the authors note the following:

“In fact, research across 160 cultures revealed that spousal infidelity is the most common reason for a breakup [1]… Infidelity may not only have a destructive impact on the relationship, which may lead to separation or divorce but may negatively affect the partners’ overall emotional well-being, leading to enhanced depressive symptoms and lowered self-esteem [3]… However, comprehensive reviews encompassing many aspects of infidelity (e.g., distinctions between emotional and sexual affairs, gender differences to extradyadic behaviors, and the impacts of infidelity-based trauma) are sparse in the literature.”

Given the sparse nature of research on the actual benefits and costs of infidelity in romantic relationships — specifically marriage, we have put together a basic model in the hope that others someday will build better models. Until then, we share this to help educate those considering infidelity about the costs of infidelity. So, what are the supposed benefits versus the costs of infidelity in marriage?

Financial Impact

It is rare indeed that a divorce caused by infidelity will leave the divorced couple and their children in a better financial position than where they were prior to the infidelity and divorce. While it is difficult to measure the total financial impact of a divorce caused by spousal infidelity, there are some costs that can be calculated relatively easily. They include:

Asset Division — this would be the equal division of marriage assets, savings, retirement, and any business assets if applicable. Assuming the couple has a home, savings, and retirement the following scenario might be illustrative:

Home — A $750,000 home with a remaining mortgage balance of $200,000 would mean the splitting of $550,000 would end up being $225,000 for each spouse. (Minus any agent’s commission, fees, taxes, etc.)

Automobiles, Recreational Vehicles, etc. — this varies of course based on the couple, their family hobbies, disposable income, etc.

Alimony and Child Support — can be calculated in terms of financial impact. The cost of the divorce can also be measured in terms of opportunity cost and loss.

Let’s take an example of a married couple that has been married for 18 years with three children. Of course, each state in the U.S. approaches both alimony and child support differently, we can use some basic numbers here as a general guide. In some U.S. states, alimony might end up between $2,500-$3,000 with child support between $1,800-$2,400. While we could take the average of the two ranges, let’s go with the low end of both for a total of $4,300.

Assuming that the spouse who will receive the alimony may have young enough children to care for that they can’t work outside the home, they may be entitled to the full $4,300 per month. If they can work, they might have some of the alimony offset by their ability to earn and offset the alimony eligibility. This alimony could be eligible for payout until the spouse remarries or up to 18 years (the equivalency of the marriage.) So, in total, the financial responsibility might be somewhere between $300,000-$450,000 depending on the age of the dependent children and how long the dependent spouse remains dependent or unmarried.

Opportunity Cost — there is a natural cost to infidelity-caused divorce and then the eventual opportunity costs that flow from it. Opportunity cost is the value of something when a particular course of action is chosen. The opportunity cost is what one must forgo in order to get something. The benefit or value that was given up can refer to decisions in one’s personal life, in a family, in a company, in the economy, in the environment, etc.

For the above example, the cost of splitting assets and then paying alimony and child support will have an opportunity cost to the betraying spouse. Because the betraying spouse’s cheating led to the dissolution of their marriage, their finances and retirement may be irreversibly impacted for years or even decades.

Non-Financial Impact

Even though the financial impact can be hard and a major focus, it is only part of the impact. Often, the non-financial impact is much more difficult to overcome for the betrayed spouse, children, cheating spouse, and friends and family. How does one put a value on the loss of trust? Or, the impact that sexually transmitted diseases have on the betraying spouse or the betrayed spouse?

• Impact on Children — some costs are very difficult to quantify or measure. This is one of them. How do you measure the impact of parental infidelity on children? The emotional toll infidelity and divorce take on children, the emotional trauma, loss of trust in their parents, fear of abandonment or betrayal by others, etc. To our knowledge, there are few tools and research currently that attempt to calculate the cost or impact on children.
• Impact on Friends and Family — similar to the impact on children, it is difficult to measure or quantify the impact on family and friends. Infidelity splits family and friends and puts them in difficult situations where they can’t support both spouses or family members.
• Loss of Trust — the loss of trust is a very costly one. Most interactions between spouses and their children rely on trust and respect. When spouses and children don’t trust each other they tend to lose respect and confidence.
• Sexual Infections and Diseases — if the infidelity led to the transmission of STIs and STDs there can be financial impact as well as deep emotional trauma and the potential of living with long-term consequences of the transmission.
• Infidelity-Betrayal Trauma — while it is widely recognized that betrayed spouses can suffer from post-infidelity syndrome disorder (PISD), there is little known about how damaging it is to spouses and children. How does one put a value on infidelity-betrayal trauma?
• Tainted Reputation of the Betrayer — most businesses and government agencies spend great sums of money, time, and resources to manage their reputations. Why? Because their reputation means a lot to those they do business with or represent. Those who engage in infidelity have proven they do not honor vows or commitments to spouses and children and this can taint their reputation.

While there are more areas to consider, these at a minimum are worth considering when calculating the real costs of marital infidelity and divorce. In the final assessment, there is no real benefit to infidelity. Even when a new marriage results from infidelity, it can leave far more carnage than any supposed good it created. Broken marriages and traumatized spouses and children are not balanced out by cheating spouses marrying their affair partners. If anything, marriages that start as affairs cause more damage to the betrayed and betrayer because the marriage is a constant reminder of the ultimate betrayal and dissolution of marriage and family.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.